Break up can reset your dream when you take advantage of it by ezekiel adewale fatomilola

We are like an aeroplane which needs a propeller to ascend as high as it wishes to go.

When next you break up your relationship, or your partner does, do not bury your head in the palm, wailing and throwing in life’s towel, see it as time to get the pin, insert into the reset button hole, like its located in a router, you will be amazed at the amount of goals you will achieve far more than your ordinary strength would have.

For most of us that have had a feel of love and a break up in the course of this year, you realise how the momentum gradually drop between the first day of January and today, the 19th of April.

I had a conversation with a colleague yesterday and she requested i put up an article on this.  She recounted her big defeat.

Tolu had planned to be someone’s wife by June, this year. Unfortunately as the second quarter was coming in, she got the news that the man she had spent the last four years of her life , hoping to be betrothed by him had just secure a working visa to Australia and she was just getting to know on the eve of his departure, through another friend of hers.

As if that was enough, a call placed to him, his brother and friends debunked the rumour stating the lies beclouding it, only for her to see a picture of him and the same sibling who debunked it had escorted him to the airport, where he departed with Emirate airline, unfortunately for him, one of the attendants who check in luggage at the Murtala Muhammed International airport is a very close friend of this lady but one who is not so much known by him.

Cutting to the chase, Tolu cried for days and could not recover from the shock that her four years relationship was nothing but fluke! Like every right thinking women, she picked herself up and got a redefined life from it. Even though she works with a multinational, she withdrew the over 1.3 million naira she had saved in supporting both the wedding and the marriage, got herself a Toyota Matrix, renewed her driving license and is about registering for the uber/Taxify ride sharing business.

This, she had crave to do since October last year as a side hustle to complement her 8-5 employment.

There is no experience you can’t recover from! Not even a break up, the minute it occurs, go to the bathroom, freshen up, put on a nice cloth and perfume, go to the ATM, cash out some money and celebrate the damn person who broke you up with a tasteful barbecue with chilled yogurt!.

There is no dignity in you wasting over an already wasted years/month/time you have spent in the unfortunate relationship.

The truth is, the person may not even know he/she may quit you when you were starting off, but since it has happened, then consider it a glorious exit. Celebrate him/her like you do to the demise of a loved one. Remember in the celebration, you have zeroed your mind towards seeing these ones again, same apply to this lost partner, DO NOT think there could be a second chance, even if there is or will be, DO NOT be the one to initiate this.

There is so much pain in the world to now add the disappointment of a lover with expiry date. The break up could be the RESET button you need to record the groundbreaking deal, so chase your dream and be the best person you can at the given opportunity.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book The Handicapped Hero with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.
The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others
@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Maritalpsychologist@gmail.com (https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

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A date with love by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Back then as a kid, love gave me appointment and this year makes it the second decade since the pact was signed but exactly two years plus now since the deal day, the appointment date had been consecutively missed for reason unknown.

The names of suitors have been changed four times like a failing investment that had struggled for its existence even though resources have been consistently stashed into this seemingly unprofitable venture. And in faith,I have continued to hope  my hardwork will meet luck in the way. From princess to queen, to Daisy and now Diadem, the future had since remained uncertain.

If you have been in my position you will know quite alright that the situation may look ugly but all along it had been a thrilling journey thus far.

In the later part of 2010, the first appointment was made and the deal was said to be ready for closure within six years of launch. It looked like a far time but momentarily the offer faded off almost two years after it started.

We had kept 2016 in mind as the appointed year. The year after the crash in 2012 brought about a booming hope, one with glittering imagination. Tons of offers were made and eventually three were signed one after the other and all ended within nine months.

We have only one currency in this journey as we moved from one bus to the other and that is ‘hope’. One experience had remained constant and that ofcourse has been failure. In any case, if we had even succeeded, today may not bring about the enormous failure that have built up into experiences.

In the later part of 2015, love seemed like it had finally arrived and in a matter of one year and half, the deal should be closed on it but hey, it took me another frustrating two solid years to unravel the more wait in the offing.

I didn’t have to wait much longer to realise the fruitless adventure, the two years love walk had been, it ended like a pack of card and like every odd year, 2017 birthed another rush hour till the end of 2018, the hope permanently remained dark and breakthrough didn’t appear to be on its way.

Also in 2018, the brand was renamed from Queen to Diadem and it became a household name that everyone looked forward to meet and they ofcourse expected to match a face to the name.

Eventually, one of the biggest offer was made at the begining of 2019, the ninth year after the first appointment was made and ever since January the drama had since been intriguing and this had also been with numerous suspense.

Unfortunately, this article being the first since July 2018 didn’t come with any good news but the story of the sad walk so far. Just like no investor would want his or her investment to amount to wastage, I have not in any way been a happy man with these numerous experiences.

While I have these regrets, this article’s main lesson is that no love story has ever been successfully written without the success of the anchor person. In other words, if you crave for a successful love story, write a successful career journey and have something that will attract the suitor. It may not be that big but let it be something others can live to tell on your behalf.

It may not be winning Grammy but closing thousands of naira deal is something close to it. At least, you have something to show that before these people came into your life, you were self reliant.

Another thing to also note is that love is the ultimate but it doesn’t walk alone. If you must make others love you for who you are, be sure that, that person you are becoming is who you are also proud of. If you become who you don’t even wish to marry, you may not be able to convince others to walk the love journey with you. Abi, will a man with mouth odour make a good marketer of toothpaste?

Your taste may not remain the same but you must be consistent.  Consistent that I mean is in the area of choice. Do not be hasty to move on when your offer bounces! Try again, again and again! Ensure you fail your way to victory.

Not every dick should be your choice! Be selective. Don’t be selective because you have many choices to choose from but because your standard is too high to be afforded by all.

While in the waiting room, please build on! The same you of yesterday without growth will not sufficiently compete in the ever growing world of tomorrow. So take extra classes , read more books and get more travel exposure!

You might end up realising that fate had kept your anticipated lover in the area you have not launched only for you to realise that it wasnt  fate’s fault afterall but your own shortcomings as if you had explored that same field you see while going out every day since the pact was signed you would have since then realised that love doesn’t happen because they chose to but they came to realisation because we woke them up.

So take the lead while others follow and remember consistent dynanism is the key to repeated successful feat.

My name is Ezekiel Fatomilola and I am not in any way going to give up on love.

Be on the lookout for my successful love story as I have a date with love! This article is dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. Olumide Adelugba.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book The Handicapped Hero with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.
The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others
@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Maritalpsychologist@gmail.com (https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Someone’s Second Best

In this world where getting into a relationship is as easy as exchanging WhatsApp chat and sharing taxify rides. There is this girl who always believed that love is a sacred thing. It is something that you can’t just add to your priorities as if it just a necklace to add on your loud Asoebi.

Love is a priority, and so is getting into a relationship. So, what’s the result? She always ends up being the second option because some guys just cannot wait. And she got used to being someone whom a guy cannot wait for, so when the man who can finally wait comes, it’s no longer easy to open her heart.

She always expects you to leave her when you get tired, so she mastered the art of being selfish.

At this point, putting your unceasing conversation into a halt is absolutely impossible. It has become a habit that you talk to her until the crack of dawn, even though you don’t have anything to say anymore. But you still continue to do so. One thing is only running in her mind, you’ll eventually get tired of conversing with her so she’s already on her path of accepting the fact that you are going to leave sooner or later.

This is why she learned how to be selfish. She knew that your attention will soon subside, so while the fire is burning she will keep on provoking you to say sweet words and give a subtle confession that she can dismiss nonchalantly. No need to get mad and feel like you’re being deceived, she was just making sure that even if you hurt her in the end. At least you’ve fashioned a particular emotion in her hypothalamus.

She learned how to counterattack confusion and worries by acceptance.

Whenever she feels like you are about to incorporate to words the interpretation of your sudden brisk heartbeats, she will suddenly have panic attacks with questions like “Am I ready to be in a relationship with him?”, “Do we deserve each other?” or simple as, “Is he truthful right now?” As much as she is the mastermind of all the acts of provoking, she still gets confused and worried because she has never been in that status.

She is confused if she is ready or not, and at the same time worried that if she’s not yet ready, she might be the second option again. But in the end, she will accept what she believes in, that you will not end up together. She learned how to take failure and pain. She always tells herself that she will get over you after the act of forgetting becomes a habit.

She was so used to being the second option that she stopped believing that there will be someone that will make her the first choice.

In her mind, she always tells herself that she “just” likes you a little. It’s too little that she won’t ask you to reciprocate any feelings, but she wants you to tell her that you have certain feelings for her. She wants you to admit that you like her, but she won’t allow you to have a relationship with her. Complicated? Yes, because she was used to the set up that after she confesses her feelings to a guy, the next step is to always move on.

And now that you are telling her that you are going to make her a first choice is something that is nothing but incoherent for her.

She will give you excuses like questioning how you feel and accusing you of just being obsessed with the idea of falling in love. But those are just excuses. She just doesn’t want to accept the truth laid in front of her.

She was so used to being the second option that she stopped believing that there will be someone that will make her the first choice.

Falling in love with a girl who has been used to being the second option will be extremely complicated. She will tell you she likes you, but not enough to be with you. She will kiss you, but not enough to make love.

Dear Uncle, believe me once she realizes that you are the reason why she never became the first choice, you will experience a heaven you never thought you can discern.

Source:Love Pro

IMAGINE A FATHERLESS LIFE

Sigmund Freud said,“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.”

What any boy needs to be a man is in his father and all he needs to do is to learn! But what does he do when the man is nowhere to be found?

What does it mean to be a male when the father is not there to provide a confident and rich model of manhood, and then why won’t the boy be left in a vulnerable position?

The ever increasing number of children without fathers today is due to nothing but the nauseating domination of boys instead of men.

They had no time to watch their wards grow; to father them is even easier than anything in the world.

There are so many psychological implications of having a father who is evasive of his responsibilities or not even identifying with the children he fathered with his sperms.

All these psychological implications pose more threats in other areas of lives of the children. For instance, the child develops sense of insecurity, lack of life skills, lack of complete moral upbringing, deprivation of love, sense of mistrust and inferiority.

Some wards don’t have a situation of an absent father, while others share in disadvantages of the excessive reproduction of their parents with little or nothing to cater to them. Some of these wards may not suffer from any disorders while developing like Anuoluwapo did.

Some may even outlive it merely due to the fathers’ presence. Another serious threat is that the child might fail to develop his personality properly.
Things he ought to learn directly from his father, who is supposed to be his immediate role model, will be learnt from outsiders due to the father’s absence.

Another related story of the divorced families is the united but living apart family. Choosing separate homes is generally seen as an eccentricity of the rich and famous.
For instance Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton, Margaret Drabble and Michael Holroyd, Clive James and Prue Shaw, and, of course, Simone de Beaudoin and Jean Paul Sartre.

All these people were united in rearing their children but lived apart.

Infact, one in ten couple in Britain today have made what is seen as a growing, and increasingly acceptable, lifestyle choice, a phenomenon that has been identified as LAT (‘living apart together’), whereby couples who regard themselves as firmly
committed have separate homes through choice or circumstance.

This trend is echoed throughout Western Europe,America and Africa.
At a time when nearly half of all marriages ending divorce, and long-term live-in lovers, often with children, are at least as likely to separate, isn’t it encouraging to see
people trying different ways of arranging their emotional and domestic lives?

One thing to bear in mind as strength in our weakness is some had no father and yet lived up to their potentials.

For instance, some are fatherless because their father died; some
have fathers with special needs and while some have fathers with sickness who even need others to provide their welfares for them.

Do we say that we need the role of Government? May be yes, or not. According to the 2007 UNICEF report on the well-being of children in economically developing nations, children in Nigeria and other African nations rank extremely low in regard to finance, social and emotional well-being in particular. Again on June 12, 2013, UNICEF ranked Nigeria as the country with the highest number of primary-school aged children out of school, with 10.5 million caught in the troubling trap of illiteracy.

That was almost half of the global figure! It is worrisome that in spite of being an oil rich nation enormously blessed with other natural endowments from huge agricultural
potential, solid minerals, tourism and human resources, Nigeria should post such parlous figures.
Sadly, the situation is not much better today because as of May 18, 2014, the UN body also reiterated the deplorable situation, with Nigeria accounting for one out of three primary school children in the world receiving their lessons under trees! One cannot therefore, but ask the pertinent questions:

Why are these helpless children out of school, if their parents really cared about their educational development and ultimately their future?

Why bring them to an increasingly complex world when they have little or nothing to care to them?

Does it not amount to sheer wickedness added to folly that a grown up man would keep breeding more children than he and his wife could adequately cater to, erroneously believing that God would send manna from heaven to feed them?
Many theories have been advanced to explain the poor state of our nations’ children; child poverty, race and social class.

A factor that has been largely ignored, however, particularly among child and family policymakers, is the prevalence and devastating effects of fathers’ absence in children’s lives.

The sad fact is that parents in our society are not supported in the fulfillment of their parental responsibilities, and divorced parents in particular often undermined their
responsibilities as parents, and this has reflected in the large numbers of non custodial or “non-residential” parents and of course forcefully removed from their children’s lives, as daily caregivers.

My target of concern is those responsible for laws and policies and the stakeholders in the family and marriage institutions that devalue the importance of parents in children’s lives, and parental involvement as critical to children’s well-being. Children need both parents, and parents need the support of social institutions in regard to being there for their kids.

Below is a subset of the innumerable hazards surrounding a fatherless life in children like the author of this content, Ezekiel Fatomilola

  1. Children’s diminished self-concept, and compromised physical and emotional security (children consistently report feeling abandoned when their fathers are not involved in their lives, struggling with their emotions and episodic bouts of self-loathing)
  2. Behavioral problems (fatherless children have more difficulties with social adjustment, and are more likely to report problems with friendships, and manifest behavior problems; many develop a swaggering, intimidating persona in an attempt to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness)
  3. Truancy and poor academic performance (71 per cent of high school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, mathematics, and thinking skills; children from father absent homes are more likely to play truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood
  4. Delinquency and youth crime, including violent crime (85 per cent of youths in prison have an absent father; fatherless children are more likely to offend and go to jail as adults).
  5. Promiscuity and teen pregnancy (fatherless children are more likely to experience problems with sexual health, including a greater likelihood of having intercourse before the age of 16, foregoing contraception during first intercourse, becoming teenage parents, and contracting sexually transmitted infection; girls manifest an object hunger for males, and in experiencing the emotional loss of their fathers egocentrically as a rejection of them, become susceptible to exploitation by adult men).
  6. Drug and alcohol abuse (fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and abuse drugs in childhood and adulthood).
  7. Homelessness (90 per cent of runaway children have an absent father).
  8. Exploitation and abuse (fatherless children are at greater risk of suffering physical,emotional, and sexual abuse, being five times more likely to have experienced physical abuse and emotional maltreatment, with a one hundred times higher risk of fatal abuse; a recent study reported that preschoolers not living with both of their biological parents are forty times more likely to be sexually abused.
  9. Physical health problems (fatherless children report significantly more psychosomatic health symptoms and illness such as acute and chronic pain, asthma, headaches, and stomach aches).
  10. Mental health disorders (father absent children are consistently overrepresented on a wide range of mental health problems,particularly anxiety, depression and suicide).
  11. Life chances (as adults, fatherless children are more likely to experience unemployment, have low incomes, remain on social assistance, and experience homelessness).
  12. Future relationships (father absent children tend to enter partnerships earlier, are more likely to divorce or dissolve their cohabitation unions, and are more likely to have children outside marriage or outside any partnership).
  13. Mortality (fatherless children are more likely to die as children, and live an average of four years less over the life span).

Given the fact that these and other social problems correlate more strongly with fatherlessness than with any other factor, surpassing race, social class and poverty,father absence may well be the most critical social issue of our time

What Is The Solution To Father Absence And A Failed Marriage?

To be continued

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and relationships content development as had been previously developed for organisations like UCJ UI,Fatsssa press and many others.

At Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Maritalpsychologist@gmail.com(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

What parenting style do I adopt before walking down the aisle by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

A psychologist by the name, Carl Jung once said “the greatest psychological harm to a child comes from the unlived life of the parents.”

While couples court, a lot of things will be discussed, planned towards and against, but it’s easy to plan a happy future than to prevent an ill planned family life. We can talk but when actions don’t follow our talks, we would only be paying a lip service to the future we crave.

The aspect every marital relationship has to ensure they enjoy is parenting and often times, it’s the longest period of Marriage that most sadly endure.

While it happens so fast for some, others will have to wait a while to start the parenthood journey. But if we understand times and seasons, we would maximize the time before the journey starts.

I taught as a classroom teacher four generations between 2009 and 2015, from basic two to nine and I have practically come to understand the different parenting styles by teaching all the products (kids) of these families who adopted the styles. From Authoritative, Permissive and Neglectful to Autocratic, these approaches are often times hereditary and the good part is that, as they can be easily learned, they can be unlearned too, through conscious efforts.

In 2012, I had grown so fast in my teaching career and was teaching a basic six class at that time when I got into a discussion with my pupils about how their parents react to their non-adherence to instructions. One of these kids said his parent (mother) will have him punished then sit him down afterwards to remind him on how theyve agreed that he must do his assignments and house chores before he takes his lunch. This boy, whenever his parents were not around, would have lunch and forget to do the chores and assignment till the mother returns and sees the assignment untouched.

I asked how he perceived this judgement and as expected, he said its “fair enough”

Another pupil who was also asked lamented that he wished he could change his parents because while the mother would have almost beaten life out of him, the father would continue from where she stopped for the same reason he was earlier flogged by the mother.

We have even seen instances where couples will fight over what strategies to use in raising their lads. While one will be stern, the other will be lenient and the child would then be confused on which principle is to follow.

Someone may ask “can we then predefine what rules the unborn children will be raised with”?
I ask too, don’t you think to be arguing or fighting over this in marriage when the kids are already here is not the way to go? This ought to have been well spelt out before the get go, just like when you were agreeing on how many kids to have.

Perhaps, we are talking about patterns and not rules!

Just before we move on, let’s beam some more illuminations on these parenting styles.

Authoritative
This type of parenting fosters a productive relationship between parents and child. Its characteristics include and not limited to: agreeing on rules of upbringing with the child together with punishment for deviating these agreed terms. Making the child know that these rules are not cast in stone and they are reasonable expectations.

This pattern of child rearing on the long run fosters the ability to speak to your child without judgment or reprimand, it gives insight into the childs life and understanding, providing the child with a deeper understanding of the world around them.

Permissive
Permissive parents, also known as indulgent parents are those who tend to be lenient while trying to avoid confrontation.

Characteristics also include: parents compromising rules to avoid making their child unhappy, they feel following set rules will bring harms to the children not realizing that not doing so has more harms than good.

Research shows that kids with permissive parents often struggle to regulate their own behaviour and emotions, face increased likelihood of engaging in self-destructive behaviours, such as a risk of heavy teen drinking, demonstrate a higher level of delinquent behaviour, spend more time on screens, achieve less at school, and feel academically entitled at college.

Authoritarian
This type of parenting style is also called strict parenting. It is exhibited by parents who are demanding but not responsive.

While this parenting style takes being disciplined seriously, it does not balance out the provided structure with open communication so the child knows exactly why it is important for them to follow the rules given to them. Children of authoritarian parents are prone to having low self-esteem, being fearful or shy, having difficulty in social situations, and possibly misbehaving when inherited.

Neglectful
This parenting style scares me even at the mention of it and I think every parent who ever adopts this is really not a parent in the first place and should not be considered a caregiver also because even a nanny would do better than the neglectful parents.
Neglectful parenting is one of the most harmful styles of parenting that can be used on a child.
These ones don’t care about the childs emotional, physical and other needs. They don’t understand what is going on in the childs life. They don’t provide a safe space for the child, a place where they can share their experiences and expect positive feedback.
Many of them spend long hours away from home, leaving the child alone. They make excuses for not being there for the child.

So, as a parent, how can your marriage and parenting effectively nurture and guide your kids?

Isn’t it wise to consider this before you walk her down or walk with him down the aisle?

The orientation of parenting he/she had from his/her parents needs to be reviewed and the unnecessary sieved while your future family operates with a blueprint that will work well for the two personalities involved.

For the sake of the children’s future, make this a top priority.

Well, I should not overemphasize the importance of this issue because your marriage will pay higher prices if you realised at a later stage that you married a man who prefer to be a neglectful parent while you are an authoritative parent because those were the ways you were raised individually and had since then become your perspective. There is no way you can talk him into why the child needs to be chastised when he is of the opinion that the child will be able to manage his own life.

Sadly, your expectations of him as your husband and a father would be that he should be stern in his handling but unfortunately, he is laissez faire. Because you didn’t discuss this, you will have to understand why he is of that nature while simultaneously trying to give the child a healthy upbringing.

I’m sure you won’t want so much of that on your table.

So, what’s the way forward?
Many of the conversations we need to have with our future life partners are not to give us the exact way all the offspring in marriage will be handled, but are rather blueprints our parenting patterns will work with. However, discussions on this are avoided precisely because they’re unromantic.

Although we know that disagreements about raising kids are one of the leading causes of divorce, we often dont focus on what kind of a mother or father that partner who thrills us might make.

Hence, when we get into the marriage, what we don’t prepare for takes advantage of us and our children don’t turn out well because we are dangerously overprotective in our parenting or too strict and demanding.

Can we really be getting it so wrong at both ends? Can we be this bad at it?

Its time to stop expecting a cultured family when there are no agreed ways of reaching this goal. In the end, its the totality of what parents do over time that shapes who the children become.

Theres no way to understand the perspective of the father of your unborn children before marriage than having an enhanced ability to communicate thoughts and feelings the closer you get.

Have real talks about real issues before you ride off into the sunset to help put the two of you on the road you need to be, so that when the children come, less work will be required to put your parenting on course. This will assure you the cumulative effect of a balanced approach of both the warmth of nurturing and firm parenting style that wins in the end.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and relationships content development as had been previously developed for organisations like UCJ UI,Fatsssa press and many others.

At Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Maritalpsychologist@gmail.com (https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Extra Marital Affair:The scourge of Couples living apart by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Last week, the sad news of a lady who committed suicide at the third mainland bridge circulated and the reason she did so was also in the news. Report said she was involved in extra marital affair and none of her three children belong to the husband.

Everyone who read the report must have been flabbergasted because that’s beyond comprehensible.

But then, can such ever cease to happen?

At first, when a woman have sex with someone other than her husband, she weeps genuinely, but it only takes a while for her to throw caution to the wind continue in it.

If there is ever anything to do to control adultery, ensuring couples live together is not asking too much.

Nothing kills marriage faster than loneliness which may lead to infidelity and a marriage may not escape this when the couples live apart.

We understand there are couples who are rather flat mates than lovers, they can equally lead a boring life. However, this content is not meant to address their dilemma.

Since, I wrote my last article which addressed wrong sex education, my mind has been with those young women whose husbands live far away from home.

Many of them got married and instantly began to live separately from their spouses. For some, their husbands had to go in search of fortune abroad, for some others, their employers had posted them far from home.

There was a mad wedding I saw last year where the lady was getting married to the guy’s photograph because he is a new immigrant and could not travel down. So I asked myself, must they get married?

I also wondered how the ‘Aunti’ will enjoy the first “Mula” of marriage. In short, what happens to the much anticipated wedding night ‘business’?

At least I’m sure they can’t meet until they process her visa or he travels down.

I wonder what kind of togetherness they swore to share. For weeks, she can’t even see the man she promised to love forever. She is emotionally starved and left to imagine how being married is even after married.

Even though I’m not married, research shows that most married women whose husbands stay far off engage in more extra marital affairs than those who live with their spouses.

In 2017, I had recently moved to Ajah and I had this banker friend, it took me four months to know she was married. If I had let my guard down around her, we would have had sex before I would realize I was not only fornicating but also doing it with a married woman.

This young lady of 23 and I met on one of those early rush hours while going to work. Then I used to work at Igbo Efon, area of Lekki while she worked at Victoria Island, so often times we boarded buses together. This consistent morning meeting gave way to intimacy and we would always talk before I alight at Igbo Efon.

Early in the relationship, we had exchanged numbers so as to reach out to each other, in order to leave home together and arrive bus stop at the same time since we lived streets away from each other.

One thing obviously led to another but strangely, I had held to myself. In other words, even though she was my kind of woman, the desire to grow into love with her was missing and she saw it. She confronted me for avoiding her one day even though she had no idea of my internal war.

In short, our fondness became knitted that we began to talk about affections for each other and talked about our previous relationships, what you will call pathways to dating.

However, this lady always uploaded the picture of a guy she always referred to as her ex-lover.

The day I realised I was almost used to cure emotional loneliness was when I visited unannounced and met one of my colleagues who lived in another apartment in her house. Thompson narrated how I was the third to be brought in to provide her emotional needs, what mellenials called “borris greasing”.

He told me the husband was abroad and rarely visited. Although, they’ve been married for six years, they have only seen twice (the day they got married and their first wedding anniversary).

It beats my imagination to wonder if there is any man who thinks a virtuous Mary who was awakened on her wedding night with rounds of sex will not remain sexually hungry!

If anyone had been fooling you, please wake up from the deceit, it only takes a eunuch to live such sex free live after tasting it once. One of my married friends will say “Sex is a sweet thing”.
Well, you could say I am naive as I am not married. But I will be surprised if you can’t answer why a woman that is spoilt with money will still go after her driver. Or why a senator will be sleeping with their housemaid.

I just wonder why you will marry a man and the moment after the wedding, he leaves and does not return in years! You remain this way for long without intimacy even after being legally privileged.

Sir, why she will go on sleeping with the driver is because she is lonely. Unfortunately, a lonely woman is a vulnerable woman. She’ll continue to do this because the driver would always listen to her ‘nonsense’ talks.

Interestingly, we know that there is something about women being listened to, getting to hear what they want to say and their emotions.

Spoil a woman with sweet words, attention and time; she will fight her family for you.

Conclusiely, when next you love a woman and your tendency of keeping her around you is slim,don’t ever attempt falling talk less of marrying her to be isolated forever.
She is not wood as she has emotion, veins flowing with blood and heart pumped of this very blood.
When next you see a woman whose husband is far off wallowing in emotional set backs, and in the process cheating on her hubby,please find out when last she saw her husband,when last the man called and how much commitment the man has shown towards the conjugal bliss he shares with her.
You won’t be fair, if you don’t imagine she was your sister, daughter or mother kept in that situation before your cast your stone of judgement.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and relationships content development as had been previously developed for organisations like UCJ UI,Fatsssa press and many others.

At Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Maritalpsychologist@gmail.com (https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Sex: It’s only sold in marriage but best enjoyed outside it by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Gone are the days when you sit a teenager down to educate him or her on what not to do about sex. If you hadn’t engaged such lad before then, it’s most likely you have come to save a generation that is already lost beyond being found.

I have been opportune to teach and I know that lads learn faster than their parents.

While I was in high school, there was this three year old boy and two year old girl caught behind a rug being sun-dried having ‘sex’. While they were caught, the child’s ‘thing’ was dangling around the girl’s genital area while they cling to each other and kissed.

In 2016, I was in a talk with a random lady on a trip from Enugu to Lagos, she was 16 and a year one student of UNN, being on this long journey, we had talked and had enough time to know each other. I got to know she was a pastor’s offspring which got me shocked when I realized she wanted to follow me home.

In short, she was on that trip to meet a guy for sex but the guy cancelled the trip halfway. And then she was ready to give me free sex for a week long instead.

It was that cheap! Then I asked her how long she lasts in bed and if she want it big, long and stout.

What that sixteen year old girl said was “we have been lied to by our pastors, we have been deceived by our parents and our eyes have come to see this truth since we ate the apple.”

She also said that she had had sex on a journey like that before and that’s one of the reasons she likes night journey.

Another experience was in March 2017 when I met a lady who said she loves to ‘do’ married men because they are best in bed and they keep things secret.

She went ahead to say that her sister’s husband had made many advances at her overtime and since the day he finally slept with her, he hadn’t stopped coming as he confessed that she does it better than her sister.

And then I asked her, how does this man cope having sex with you on your sister’s matrimonial bed?

She said the man was a good secret concealer that even her sister would argue to grave that her husband is the most virtuous of all men.

Another said “Cut us some slack, how can sex cause bad luck”

“This generation is too smart to impregnate or get impregnated by one round of sex.”

“STI biti bawo (STI as how?) We have learnt how to jump it pass. Even when we pour all of the semen in, the ladies will still observe their menstruation”, another remarked.

‘We even last in bed than previous generations”.

Give it to us jare, we deserve some accolades!

Gone are those days you will have sex and can’t go to church. These days, you have sex and still observe Ramadan, once you have your bath hours before.

This generation is adventurous and we have come to appreciate sex than it was. All thanks to our ladies who make it readily available.

But the question is, what have we achieved doing these?

Those who championed this course yesterday, where are they now?

Did we bother to inquire how much wealth they have acquired since they have been sleeping with men?

Oh! We get to buy what we want at the expense of our future.

The guys get bragging rights… LOL!

The Sister Sewa you see in church crying to conceive was an advocate of sex before marriage. She had traveled from Kano to Zamfara and Uyo to have sex.

Today, she is preaching abstinence till marriage because she has seen it all. She lost her womb to abortion.

Last month, I met one of the guys preaching hardcore some five years ago while we were on UI campus. We had met at a job interview and days later we got chatting.

Sam was at the final stage of an FMCG recruitment, if he got the offer letter his take home would have been ₦450,000 net monthly. A week before we chatted, he was contacted by the HR of this firm to notify him of his success at the final stage and he was told to be ready to resume June 4th and before then he would be taking his medicals at one of their medical facilities.

Samuel decided to pray it out, that night while he prayed, one of his sex givers flashed. The rest of the midnight prayers were flooded with the thoughts of Ibidun, and their previous sexual escapades and how she promised to revenge her defeat on him.

The next day she visited, Samuel tried to avoid her but the lady had his ‘mumu’ button and then they went on several rounds of sex.

That same evening, he got a regret mail from the FMCG that had told him he would be resuming just days to come and the over 5million naira annual take home was out the door!

He took time to wire the HR a mail of inquiry to know why he was dropped hours before his resumption but till now except they will respond tomorrow he got no feedback whatsoever.

I know it’s just a one off experience. In fact, it’s coincidental abi?

There is this guy in my former office that had been hitting his numbers steadily for a long period of time. When the team met, he predicted some margin of increase and a lady challenged him. They jokingly placed a bet and she said if his target was realised, there would be sex for him at his hotel of choice- an all-expense paid reward. What do you expect from a female banker who is heavily loaded with cash?

But then, since when did sex become a prize?

Behold, six weeks into the KPI, the numbers were met again and this time, surpassing what he even envisaged. And then she kept her words, at least according to Sam.

Some weeks to my departure from the firm, promotion list came out and Samuel’s name was missing. To our surprise, no one could explain why, the HR said he didn’t meet the metrics and that he should wait till the next phase of appraisal.

May be this very one too was coincidental?

Is trying out every experiment in Marriage too much of a sacrifice?

I don’t think it’s a lie that there are Marriages with cold sex life but you and I know that the sex life of those couples were long dead before they married.

I understand that lot of mistrusts have been developed for our sex educators because most of what they told us were not as we saw them.

They told us our life will be miserable if we engage in premarital sex but instead we began to bask in victories.

They said we will have STI but we have remained much healthier than ever.

They even said we will be pregnant but since we have been throwing the whole thing in, no missed mensuration.

Unfortunately for us, they have said nothing but the truth.

They may have wrongly presented it.

Let me be as raw as you want it because I will ensure nothing but the truth is dished.

Premarital sex comes with worse experience and much more cost!

It’s in rare occasion people don’t pay for this emotional misguidance.

If you don’t become pregnant, you might end up marrying a man who has a shorter dick than he can grease your well expanded Boris.

I believe there are drugs to join the broad street. But for how long will the scattered ass be brought together?

If you don’t understand why pre- marital sex can cause misfortune, it is because you don’t know we are first spiritual beings before physical and in the course of sex, lots of energies are drained. A lot of deposits are done and also withdrawal.

If condom prevents pregnancies, certainly, it won’t prevent badluck being deposited in you.

May you never have intercourse with a cursed fellow, it is that day that you will understand that your forward living has some spiritual undertone.

I know you guys use condom but do you also wear it on your mouth when giving him Bolajoko Jinadu (Blowjob)?

This explains why STI like HPV is your next prize.

For all that cares to hear, for every mismanaged sexual life there are prices as there are prizes.

The best sex enjoyed outside marriage is nothing but a fluke! Its a product of lies, when you desire a sweet sexual experience you will find one in a marriage built on fidelity.

As for the idea that you both will be learners if you come with no experience, its nothing but lies.

You care to know how I know this?

My Bachelors degree project work was on Marital satisfaction and I discovered views of over 60% of the respondents that participated in the research was that sex in marriage is the most satisfying when searching on marriage.

So,the problem is not marriage but who you marry. When you follow the right process of choosing your partner,your life will advance beyond sex and it will be the least of your worries.

Please when you get married you can learn how to sex.

Just like when you buy vehicles and you learn how to drive, if you buy the wrong vehicle your driving experience has nothing to do with you enjoying it. As a bad vehicle will always cause frustration to the driver.

Practice make perfect only when you are licensed to! You don’t want to be harassed by law enforcement agents for driving without a pass.

Sex is sweet when it is given in the right atmosphere. Remember it all begins in your mind.

Ire o(Peace)

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and relationships content development as had been previously developed for organisations like UCJ UI,Fatsssa press and many others.

At Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Maritalpsychologist@gmail.com (https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Quitting relationships without burning bridges by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

One of the hardest words to utter is “Goodbye” but no matter how good, friendly or impacting a person is, we will end up bidding farewell to them someday.

If not for death, it will be for relocation, if not for mutual ending to what we share with them, it will be disagreement on a course.

Some relationships have been so dearing to us, that we might have said that “without those people we would die”, and not that we would die in that sense but the memories we share with them will cause us to miss them and we may cease to be the happy person we were, hence putting an end to the “happy Anuoluwapo” people know.

Saying this will not happen will be lies telling because throughout our lives we will lose relationships and what happens after then will define our future relationships.

While it is important to bear in mind that some relationships will end with or without being cautious, it is of greater importance to take cognizance of how it ends and be so sure that while these relationships are being brought to an end, we maintain the bridges.

No one can tell if those bridges are the connections we need to the future we crave.

I have a friend who had to quit a company at the beginning of his career, it happened that he hastily made the decision so much that when the supervisor asked him during the exit interview if there was anything to remedy his departure because he was one the promising recruits that year and not only was he promising, he was a recruit who came in a short time and had achieved several laudable things for the coy, so they treated him as a rare resource to the company’s future.

So, the management pressed further that he remained, he was adamant to quit. A year after he quit, a position had opened and he had re-applied, with all hopes of being called, he was disappointed.

There is this colleague also that resigned from my firm a week ago, we got to know he had been re-employed by his former employer, with a pay raise and a higher calling.

When I made effort to know how come he was returning to his former work place, he said they contacted him in a mail appreciating his efforts while he was with them and they said in case he is willing to do what he enjoyed doing that there was a managerial position opened and he is being considered for it with a negotiable income.

He said he had maintened a good relationship with the coy when he left and it was on this relationship he got his new offer with them.

Some relationships are so good for us that we still have to move on, but while we are moving on, it is expedient we do so peaceably.

When a lady lies to you about who she is and you discovered otherwise, don’t go confronting her that she wasted your years of being with her, if you so desire to move on, please do so in peace. You can never tell if she will be your needed link to advance your carrier or win the next contract you have used all your life to plan for. You don’t want to ruin your future because of such past that would have ended because it was meant to.

How you handle every relationship you have today is important, remember that who is a friend to your present partner, may be the employer of your next labour.

The truth is that while it is important not to burn bridges while dumping a partner, it is of greater importance to take your emotions along, being meticulous about bridge maintenance involves you exiting any relationship you so desire to quit with your emotions.

In 2016, there was a client who I worked with for a period of two months, he claimed he was heartbroken, instead he was obsessed to leave a dead on arrival relationship. His relationship ended because his partner was tired of the sexless relationship even though they both agreed a no sex relationship from day one, but instead one thing led to the other.

While this client struggled to live up to the reality that the relationship had long gone, he consistently inflicted on himself pains.

To make matters worse, he stopped talking to those he knew and have affiliation to the lady. Unfortunately for him, the person who was to help him with his transcript processing when he left school for a scholarship he applied for was whom he had intentionally picked up a fight with because the lady was talking with his ex.

What a childish act, right? Some of us even do worse things and have burnt lot of bridges because whom we once had burning affections for has stopped loving us or is now in love with another person.

It is my advise that we look back on these relationships we have mismanaged and seek ways to redress things,while rebuilding this network because no man can survive without other people as we are a product of collective efforts that birthed us into this space.

While you quit relationships for any reason, be it platonic, agape or Eros, kindly take your emotions along and keep the bridges as on these you might have to reconnect to the nearest future partner your life needs.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book The Handicapped Hero with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.
The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others
@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Maritalpsychologist@gmail.com (https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Some are better as friends by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

“I can’t thank you enough for honoring this invitation” Sherifat said as she extended her hands to welcome Fareedah who walked towards the living room door in Abdulmaleek’s arm.

“It’s a great pleasure for me as I would do this over and over for Abdulmaleek” Fareedah said smiling as Abdulmaleek exited the room, leaving the two of them to have the ladies talk she came for.

“I’m certain you understand what brought you here, so let’s get down to business”. Extending the A4 sized documents to her as they look at each other with faces beamed with happiness.

Receiving the documents, Fareedah said “left to me, I would prefer status quo and I believe Maleek also has always loved it too”

“If you will permit” Sherifat cut in “What type of mother does that, are you out of your mind?”

“I understand how important this election is to him, we have both prayed for a time like this and trust me, I’m in no way trying to undermine what harm people getting to know he has such shady past will cause. In fact, I feel doing what we have done in years past and leaving it that way is the best thing nature has ever endowed me with”

“It still baffles me that as successful and educated as you are, being married to a man you have always loved is not on your radar”

“As much as I understand your point, you will agree with me that if we were living under the same roof, Yusuf can’t have more parental guide than he currently enjoys.

“If you will indulge me, there is no better relationship we can have than we currently have. Maleek is not the only saint guy in my life but of all, he is the best I have come across.

“What happened between us was a one night error caused by drunkenness and ever since then, we have moved on from it. We are fine being friends, I am in support of every relationship he can have and I can’t wish for better relationship with him than I already have.

Have you ever wondered why some people would be great friends and the moment they attempt to try out something more, it brings the worst of them out?

I am sure as much as you have understood the above allegory, you have in one or more cases seen people who are staunch lovers of each other but have never been so great when they try something more than friendship.

Then I ask, how do we understand these people and when we find ourselves in this position, how can we better the friendship when faced with emotions and the love we have for the person confuses us? How do we manage jealousy when we see them with who they should be with?

How best can we assure ourselves we don’t need them more than we already have them? Is there a way we can convince ourselves that it can’t be more than it is when people start coming to advocate for more?

In 2015, a friend consulted me regarding her friendship with a childhood friend. She said “people have been trying to talk Solomon and I into taking our friendship beyond what we have, Solomon himself had in several occasions talked me into it and I have tried to convince him that as much as I love him, being his friend is the best I can offer because that’s the best way I can see us.
This has threatened our friendship over time and I am on the verge of giving in because I can’t afford to lose him and as a friend advised, being his lover is the best way to keep him for life. What do you think, Adewale? ”

Well, I advised her to follow her mind.

And while I did, I informed her that she may think her mind wants her to go for it because she is asking me about it, but her mind if she truly takes time to listen to it might also be saying otherwise. It is in this scenarios that I admonished her to tarry on it.

Then, I concluded by advising her to consider this thing as if nobody had talked her into it.

In a matter of months, they had dated and ended as history.

As at the last time I checked on her, he had become the worst thing that ever happened to her. Why? The relationship didn’t pan out as people advised.

It was later she realized, she had quit seeing him as her friend the day she agreed to be his girlfriend and since that day, he had swapped roles. The part of him that cared had long left her life. To him, she had pretended all those years and her true self was just coming out and he could not live with a fake character.

The truth is that, relationships demand more than we can offer when we are not in them with our minds, we always want to satisfy people that we hurt ourselves in the process, we betray our conscience that had been left behind the moment we decided to go into the relationship.

Often times, we make a mess of ourselves, tarnish our image and end up a baggage. The regret often becomes overwhelming that we don’t only end up hating those people, we are pushed to being scared whenever we hear their names mentioned because they have become a source of fear to us.

To say that some are better as friends is not another metaphoric statement, it is a statement of fact.

There are lots of benefits we enjoy from those good friends that the moment they become our bed partner, the whole thing gets blown up. The memories become messy, the relationship becomes mushy and life with them becomes nasty.

Don’t you wish you were friends with that person that had always being your source of wisdom?

Think about it when next emotions fill up your thoughts and put you in the center of confusion.

Some are just better as friends if only we are not selfish and become the honest person we have always being in the relationship.

When you go into relationship with the guy you are to be a friend with, your mind does not approve it when it’s not going to end well and because your mind is left behind, instead of doing things with your minds, you do them with your emotions and what happens? You become robbed of all those privileges that come with friendship.

If you are lucky, you might have your friend back but if you are not, accept my condolences, you might sob on this loss forever because no one will be able to fill their space in your heart till you leave this earth.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book The Handicapped Hero with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.
The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others
@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Maritalpsychologist@gmail.com (https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

The Bosslady With No Suitors; Sentiments of low self esteemed Men by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

That evening while coming from the office, I had made a stop at Mega Chicken, Ajah to have dinner as I was too tired to prepare food at home.

I shared a table with two guys who made several banters over several matters.

One of those things that caught my attention was that they believe ladies who are successful leaders or bosses before marriage always face the difficulty of finding suitors and the only remedy for them is to live a wretched live in the process.

One of the guys started the discussion saying “I heard that Sewa girl just bought a house in Lekki gardens” and was immediately corroborated by his friend “In fact, thats the second house shess buying in three years. She kept making money, buying stuffs and is yet to be married nor engaged at 34 years old.

They went on to list her successes in other areas of life and of course didn’t fail to state the consequences of her inability to get suitors as if they knew her future. These guys even had to joke about how her last relationship ended and how she had begged and offered the guy money to stay.

I took something away from that discussion and that was the fact that, although, the lady had no relationship or any in sight, they confirmed how she legally broke the glass ceiling to occupy the regional managerial position of the multinational firm she works with.

It is quite amusing that this generation still trend the archaic idea that ladies who are as ambitious, power driven and success motivated as their male counterparts are bunch of people with no prospect for successful relationships.

It rips my heart to see that some misconstrued the drive to be successful by women for gender equality and created this bias belief that when a lady is successful or self-reliant, she will find relationship sustenance impossible.

The day at the eatery was not the first time I would witness such view rendered. It is also not surprising that even some ladies have held such beliefs against their fellow ladies. I equally came across such feedbacks while researching for my Bachelors degree which focused on Dominance and Assertiveness in Marriage.

With all these, it will not be out of place to imagine that a successful woman, especially in the Nigeria of today tends to face such perceptions that will not only contribute to her relationship being threatened but her willpower for success being demotivated.

What else is tantamount to an exhibition of low self-esteem than a man who loves a girl but shrinks away from his feelings head on because she is a team lead with a fat salary and a ride of her own at age 24?

Is it not gullibility and foolishness for a man to say he would arrange area boys to burn down his wife’s shop where she amasses wealth because this woman is not only successful in her business dealings but is also footing the bills of the entire house?

What will you call the man who feels that a lady that drives a Ford Mustang is beyond his class simply because he drives a Toyota Sonata, and thus feel his profession of love to her is out of place.

In 2009, I had this neighbor who newly got a job of 1.2million naira salary per annum. He lived in a self-contain apartment in Lagos suburb and was in love with a lady whose take home was 7.8million naira per annum being an executive trainee with one of the FMCGs at that time.

This offer was not only whoopingly high! Her standard of living at that time was also high. There was no need for Dele to go proving his love, he just knew his worth of 5 years combined is her one year value asides other occasional remuneration from her employer.

Fast forward to six month later, despite the myopic expressions of friends that she would not be loyal, she won’t be domestic and that their family would have their roles swapped. Dele followed his mind, as he was one of the stubborn children of his parents.

Today, their marriage is 9 years and blessed with two kids. Juliet has been one of the reasons Dele is still connected to his source (God). He became stupendously rich by her connections, so much that he almost became ungodly in the process, but what else is expected of a man who married his wife, his friend and the true mother of his kids who time and time again brought him to God.
He has nothing less than five startups in three different sectors doing so well and he currently sits on the board of one of Nigeria’s top banks.

Even though he is currently being mocked that he milked her to success, those who know their stories knew that Juliet had always confessed that she needed Dele much more than he had ever needed her. If Juliet had actually been the source of his rising and he never took time to prepare for the opportunity, it would have just been as usual as many opportunities missed like one of the guys I shared a table with at Mega chicken.

One of them actually was an ex of this Sewa they mocked, while the other was a suitor who had consistently lost.

The problem with most of us is that we believe so much in myths that we become so blind to see those myth do not exist.

We choose the way of gullibility even when wisdom is crying out aloud.

Our fears make a fool of us and play terrible tricks on our minds.

What else is maturity if not the ability to think independently and own whatever wrong decision we make instead of throwing blames or dishing faults?

While I was growing up, there was this uncle who used to live on my street then, rumour had it that he was in love with one of the big girls at that time.

This uncle was poisoned along the line that the lady whom he loved and is serious with was being sponsored by those people that used to help her banking career and she in turn sleeps with them.

Foolishly, he went up against her with the disconfirmed information and one thing led to another, mistrust led to unfaithfulness and they ended up splitting up.

It was years later that this uncle got to know he had been lied to when the lady met the love of her life and years later they both moved abroad.

What inability to process information and low self-esteem has caused most men is much more than their ego has ever delivered to them.

I have learnt from many friends that, as much as men crave independence, such as leaving home, getting a job, taking professional courses and paying their own bills, ladies of these days do so in much better ways without having to compromise their long standing integrity.

Finally Uncle, if you marry a wife who is more successful than you are, please consider yourself lucky and don’t go and say she is using your star like Uncle Tee-Bliz.

You will be more successful when you marry your own match or someone better than you. Except you want a partner who is more like a termite than a fertilizer.

And when you eventually marry a better version of you, don’t be stupid to believe that because she was seen entering Eko hotel, shes there sleeping around. She must have earned your trust before you decided to exchange the vows with her afterall.

Don’t say because the myth says “Nurses are usually prostitutes” so your wife of many years will by this myth, be sleeping around with men.

Hey, not all Banking officers go sleeping around with men to be promoted. If you have slept with some in your office before you married or you saw some, know today that there are decent and hard working ladies with refined and unique skills breaking many glass ceilings without being loose around male colleagues.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book The Handicapped Hero with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.
The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others
@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works, so you can connect with us on Facebook (https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy) and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Prepare Your Will while Making those babies by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Kate was married to Adekanbi before his demise. While he was alive, he gave his family the best of life. He sent his kids to the best school in the community, his wife was a major trades woman in the community because he stashed sufficient funds in her business.

The day he died, all those benefits were carted away by his death. Not because the woman was not hardworking nor was she a full housewife but rather because of what she, like every other women took for granted.

Days after the funeral, she had visited the different banks the deceased husband had accounts with, requesting that these accounts be transferred to her as the next of kin.

What bankers called estate account.

From one document to another, she was tossed here and there to get the requirements met. These numerous requirements range from producing the next of kin, getting a court injunction and getting proof to show she is the bearer the deceased registered.

She herself had no idea of who the next of kin was when she was being authenticated on this account, at least, being the deceased’s wife.

When she managed to get an attorney, it was discovered that the next of kin was neither the wife nor the kids but the brother-in-law.

Adekanbi, the husband had used one of his siblings as his next of kin, this next of kin had no means of identification and was not ready to get one.

Despite crying and concern that the kids should not be sent away from school as the school fees were overdue and the late husband had no idea death was nearer than envisaged. He had been taken away by the cold hands of death caused by electrocution right before his wife and two young male children.

The husband had indirectly willed the funds in the bank accounts to his brother even without knowing he did.

Investigation showed that all of these accounts had 25,000,000 which the brother, next of kin by legal claim had ownership of, but by the deceased’s assumed intention were for the kids.

Unfortunately, the truth or perceived truth is not the fact and will not be worked with when it comes to such dilemma as Central Bank of Nigeria’s policies frown at this.

I thought she was a trades woman and as such should be able to keep her fund but instead, she had all her income saved into the late husband’s account and according to her, everything she ever had was in the husband’s account.

That was the madam’s understanding of what a joint account means. According to her, the husband was more weaned and prudent than she was when it came to fund management, hence the reason for stashing the fund in his care.

She made effort to hire an attorney to get her a court order even without the brother’s presence but it was rather a dead end.

In the end, an ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) was adopted to appeal the brother who eventually got 30% of the amount he had no sweat in nor was willed to him.

Then, I began to imagine how this family got to this unfortunate point, how the wife and kids were milked by who should even supply them nutrient, how they ware tormented, taunted and psychologically abused for what was their right.

While preparing this content, I had a discussion with a friend who shared his personal experience of this nature with me. He said “some six-seven years ago, I lost my father to the cold hands of death in a car accident. My sister and I while preparing to pay the incured medical bills before he died, having used all cash at our disposal, sought for his debit card which we found with Uncle Tony who refused to give us what was obviously our property.

Then my sister called the bank’s (Oceanic Bank) call center to request for the debit card to be hotlisted, in other words, blocked so that it won’t be used to access funds in the account.”

“When she (my sister) was asked why, the reason for the hotlist request, she said our father’s brother now has access to the card and PIN and they (Late account holder’s children) don’t even know their father’s PIN nor had access to the card.

In short, the card was hotlisted, till the bank packed up. We struggled to reactivate the then dormant card and could not have it transferred to the next of kin (Myself) who also didn’t have an idea of how to retrieve the funds and we were left to take ownership of nothing but the incurred debt my father’s long term illness had caused them.”

Where do we go from here?

Dear Parents/Parents-to-be,

It is expedient that while making those babies, right there on your matrimonial bed, kindly will them their rights!

The unfortunate notion we hold of will in Africa and Nigeria to be specific is rather saddening.

When you even make mention of it, they say, are you wishing me dead?

Uncle, we are not wishing you dead!

Aunty, we are not calling for your demise, we are only requesting that you save your family and most importantly, the beneficiary of your inheritance, the stress or psychological attack they may witness if you make their accessibility to these rights be stolen by someone else while you live.

The courts, banks and their entities only recognize facts/legal claims, so if these Jacobs’ in the case of Esau’s likeminded rogues have opportunity to tender facts as against your intentions, they would sadly be given access to your wealth regardless of who you might have intended to give what, when and how will never get near the inheritance if the needful is not done!

It is important that every asset be drawn for inheritance, hire a lawyer who would assist you prepare a will when you can, so much that when the unexpected eventually happens, the drama will be less.

See to it that while making those babies, they are planned for.

Lest I forget, as much as it is important to have your joint account, the best next of kin you can have for your individual account, project or entitlement is no one but your spouse.

I understand clearly that many have chosen a spouse who does not believe in being a team. Some of these people are into what look like this for the kids, trying to be a faithful father but forgot to realize that this except corrected, has long made them a failed father beyond redemption.

Some would say those kids are young, that was why I considered my sibling.

Ain’t they better young than grow up to know their father gave them up while trying to protect them when they were young.

Please, see to it that you employ the service of a counselor even when you have all options staring at you in such future investment as there are also lawyers who are agents of doom than they are as helpers.

I am of the opinion that it will do you good, lots of favour, peace and happiness when you are gone seeing your kids happy because while they were being made, you had their privileges given to them through your will.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.
The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others
@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us onFacebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Insure your love with an Assurance by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

If your love is not insured with an assurance it may soon cause your doom.

Like an asset or properties, you need to flaunt your love. You need to publicly praise your lover and you also need to privately make him/her happy.

Her name is Chioma Avril Rowland, three hundred level students of Babcock university, the most trending name on social media. Accompanied by this name is “Assurance”

David Adeleke, well known as Davido was at it again when he caused a storm on the media space like he has always done and this time, nothing is as less controversial as he has always been.

Some gave him accolades while some pelted him with backlashes and others were indifferent.

The society embraces anything moral and amoral. But often times, it celebrates “bizzare events” Simply puts, things that are out of the ordinary. Sometimes, this can either be good or bad but if it’s strange, you are sure it will receive a widespread.

The recently concluded BBN wouldn’t have been so viral and popular if it hadn’t embraced some level of aberration. The winner was not liked because he was skilled in solving economic or political issues affecting the societies, he was admired because he publicly showed the woman he barely knew “love” by sleeping with her before the cameras. The guy got some accolades with 38% of the over 200 million votes the program recorded.

And he went home with the same prize as Chioma had just received.

While it took the most assured lover five years to get her deserved accolades, it took Miracle three months of “due diligent kpokpo”

It has been reported overtime that the essence of life is love and for your love to endure the test of time, it has to be renewable like a good wine that gets better with age.

Quoting a blogger, who said “May we not crave relationships that will break our hearts and belief in humanity just for some temporary glamour.”

I can say that while that prayer is perfect for us, it is important we question the sane, honest and successful lover who brings nothing but sorrow to our lives.

There is no better way to question what assurance Davido has preached other than why would he, in his five years of love with the 23 years Chioma impregnate Amanda and Sophie,the baby mamas?

Some said whatever assurance he is giving her are rather frivolous and ephemeral as they appeared. But I ask, if those who have been genuinely loved ever had a bit of the so called “ephemeral” assurance she has received, wouldn’t they be happy to share their men with the Amandas and Sophies of this world?

Every relationship like that of Davido and Chioma has a trying time, while I won’t defend the OBO star, it won’t be out of points to say, even though he was selfish in his giftings and might have ulterior motives, it really takes a love drunk lover to flaunt his love in such manner and energy the DMW boss had just done.

He announced on twitter that his girlfriend is being offered a 60 million endorsement deal and he, Davido had informed them that she will think about it if they can up it to 100 million.

Please, pray to ever have this kind of assurance because it will advance your life no matter how.

Asides buying her 45 million naira vehicle, he organized her a surprise birthday party and sang her a song that recorded one million views. within 24hours.

It is an understatement that all these are ephemeral but what can we then say about Nina who was publicly slept with and with no assurance?

There are a thousand and one Ninas who are “Animashauns” of this world but are moths and gold miners who will eat up anything.

Go and ask men that have dated them, you will see their lives were not the same afterwards.

While all the above standpoints may be credited to different schools of thought, it is pertinent to register my points.

To start with, I will say if your love is not insured with an assurance,

it is rarely going to stand the test of time.

What then is “Insuring your love with an assurance” This is the process of having your love placed in the hands of someone who supposedly deserve it with the mind that it will yield surplus value,of which such investment comes with some collateral damages. What we can term “Contingency plan”

If you love a man for who he is, it is because you have the assurance through what you have seen it him that he will bring you the happiness you desire and one way or the other,the investments will come through.

Not to say that there have not been business gone bad. Love Investment on many occasions have caused more sorrow than the collateral damage could handle.

Those kinds of collateral damages we see in the social media where one party who felt cheated and suffer much losses will go the social space with the sexual videos of the intercourse they both enjoyed.

Imagine an instance of a lady who sponsored a guy from year one to final year, even till the guy got a job, they dated for six years and some months into his employment, he wanted out of the relationship.

At that time, the guy was not only ready to thwart her insurance, he was also ready to shame her for being a true lover. He dumped her for another girl, then the investor(former girlfriend) petitioned him against his employer. He had no idea the lady had countlessly recorded his voice when he had carelessly said that he would pay back her investment in multiple folds.

She employed a good lie of how he swindled her and took the case to the human capital unit of the coy the guy worked, demanding that he refund her or be meted with the sanctions enshrined in the company’s policy or she goes to the media with the story.

While the audio recording may be her collateral damage, she definitely chose the wrong insurance package and of course got no assurance but dissapointment,heartbreaks and failure.

While Davido may be wrong with having baby mamas, we might need to cut him some slack because of where he belongs. Don’t get me wrong! It is not my viewpoint that because he is a musician he must be an infidel.

I will rather condemn him for being loosed with procreating children with different mothers because I understand the psychological blows this might cause them while growing up. Especially the one birthed by Sophie.

I have been opportune to be at a focus group discussion of musicians who had enjoyed stardom in the Nigeria Music Industry and their confessions were that, it takes one with Christ to really be able to do away with fornication and adultery as the case may be in the glitz, glamour and paparazzi filled industry.

They further said that even when they, male artistes refused to be loose, they(ladies) still in their “wisdom” make them(Male)artiste do what they don’t intend.

We must not forget what I said at the beginning, that the society always wants what is bizzare and celebrates abberation.

Don’t be surprised if Davido did this to sell his name, to promote his music and to further his career. However what his motives are, there is a take home lesson from what he has done and this I inferred from the words of his friend who said the closing prayer at the surprise birthday party organised for Chioma.

I have seen many who vowed to love a lady with all their hearts, who meant it and still went to bed with another women.

While some may be gifted like Joseph to flee, a lot have fallen in the face of such sexual temptation.

I will encourage men like Davido to constantly appear before an emotion therapist while they consistently avoid situations that will make them have a night that can make them compromise their fidelity.

While it may be too early to say Davido is truly in love, it will not be hasty to conclude that the Davido we have seen in the news overtime will not be loyal to a woman for five years if he doesn’t love her.

Every man has a woman they can give an assurance of love, however that this woman deserves it, is mostly not a yardstick societal values can successfully define because, emotions sadly, don’t respect values, morality and beliefs. If it does, pastors won’t marry a one time prostitute. A principled moralist won’t divorce his wife and choose another woman of less moral qualifications.

Conclusively, if you are a man or a woman, it will be the best decision for you to insure your love where an assurance reside.

So, fall in love with a man that can flaunt you, be honest with you and loyal to the vows he made to you.

While Davido is less of an example, his recent message of love, minus his baby mamas saga deserve some accolades.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching with emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.
The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others
@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us onFacebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Rape Victims and Love Making By Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

“That I don’t miss people when they are off sight is not because I am a Sanguine but because my emotions were battered when I was tender and I developed a sense of mistrust, especially for the opposite sex”

Omolola Abegbe in the investigation room at the maximum security prison, Kirirki in Lagos to be specific. She was handcuffed with a battered face, after being arrested by the men of the Nigeria Police force, area Headquarters, Dugbe, Ibadan and by the order of the Lagos Commissioner of police, she was transferred to Kirirki.
People who sought to know why said she murdered her boyfriend. The demised, Lola’s Fiancé was a relative of the CP.
In the course of hearing the case in the court , Lola defended herself to be guiltless with the following explanation:

“On 15th February 2002,I was 12 years old, I arrived in Sango, area of Ibadan after I had been seriously raped several times right from 5 till age 12, seven horrible years for me by the husband of my mum’s sister who was my guardian.
Two days after my arrival in Ibadan, the man my mother called my father continued from where the husband of my former guardian stopped”.

“By that time, I was in basic 9,I had knowledge of citizenship now civic education, I approached the nearby police station, they went to my house with me, certain things I really couldn’t and can’t still picture happened, I was detained for days and forced to take undertaking never to raise an eyebrow over the matter”.

“Since those that were supposed to protect the law had misinterpreted it, I saw what Psychologist called conflict of ideas (what I learnt from the classroom was different from the reality out there).
Fast forward to 2010, I was already 20 years of age and it was my third year in the University, prior to that time, some three or four months, Bayo Adebesin, a graduate of Chemistry from University of Lagos had asked me out, but as a very blunt person, I told him “I don’t love people”, in fact my friends had made jest of me over this but all to no avail despite my efforts to love like others.
The only progress I made with him was to portray something that looks like love when he is in sight and once he is off sight I tend to do the same with someone else.
This was not much of a problem between us because each time we saw, we kissed, romance, I did blow job for him and he did the same for me. However, each time we did that, he sought for sex which I was always quick to turn down.
18th April, 2010 I had visited him but it was an entirely different man I saw that day, he was sexually hyperactive merely looking at him, his mouth oozed out alcohol. “When did Bayo start drinking” I asked myself rhetorically. After ten minutes of arrival, he started kissing me, before I knew it, he bolted the door and resumed back,

I was caught unaware until I discovered he had brought out his thing and was already in my body, my episode resumed, I was psychotic and sought for a bottle, hit his balls, eyes and heart, he bled before me, I was neither remorse nor moved. Less than twenty minutes he bled till he was lifeless”.

The Marital Psychologist opinion: Either it was Lola’s fault or not, it is for the judge to decide but as a graduate of Psychology, I think her childhood experience brought her to this place of death which was definitely not Golgotha. Since she has killed, she must definitely be killed!

I need to address this matter as serious as it is because many like Lola still struggle with this nemesis brought upon them by one circumstance or the other but mostly when parents are separated and living apart with the children struggling with this divided emotions such child will not be raised healthily.

Research has it that products of broken homes are prone to vices, such as rape, drug addiction and other social vices. However in the case of Lola she had her parents living together rather she spent seven years of her vital period with people who are not close to being called caregivers, less sensitive to bring her up in the way to develop her self esteem and eventually leaving her more harmful to herself as much as to the society.

Just like Eric Ericsson postulated, she developed a sense of mistrust and ability to feel a thing called love was not enhanced.
If Lola had sought help even after she grew up, there are numerous psychotherapeutic approaches to help her out of the nemesis.
If the Judge temper judgement with mercy, she might be sentenced to life imprisonment or relative jail term because Bayo was accused of rape, which if defended by a good lawyer, she has some hope of being acquitted.

But can rape victims feel loved or fall in love? We need to understand that they are not who they were anymore, they need constant help. Especially a reassurance that they could be as emotionally stable as others, they can be safe again, hope should be restored to them by removing all those emotional battering factors.

Remember the kind of love making they were earlier introduced to and that which every other individuals experience are two extremes. One was forcefully given while the other was intentionally given. The one you enjoyed is a memory any one wants to cherish while the other will hunt and hurt you forever.

Don’t get it mixed up, lots of us play the victim blaming game when we hear someone had just been raped, you castigate the victim and add more pains to the already existing turmult of troubles. They will say things like “She seduced him” especially when the rapist is their clan, friend or relations.

However if reverse is the case, we do everything to bring about justice, just in the case of the commissioner of police.

What hope do the victims have? It is our collective responsibility as a people to harness our resources and speak in one voice to condemn this act. Improper dressing as we may define it, is as old as humanity itself. The mini skirt, see throughs and skinny jeans are not the first set of seductive wears, rather they are new fashion designs in town.

People need to start learning how to deal with their emotions and not seductions,the circumstances will be there but your internal locus of control should help you control your libido always.

Sex is not a free thing when it’s wholestically looked at, it comes with a cost!

It’s not strange if you have a boyfriend who is insensitive or girlfriend who is emotionless or emotionally unstable, sometimes the best thing you can do is recommend them to the Psychologists and rest assured they will be rehabilitated.

When you come in contact with someone with less desires for sex and fear to have intercourse, take time to reflect on what their journies might have been, before you judge, take time to pause think and reflect on how to convert their pains to enjoyment, by doing so, they will look for you when you are out reach.

Conclusively, rape victims don’t trust sex as much as those who have not had their experiences, they don’t even enjoy it as much as we all do.

When you marry any, consider yourself lucky and opportunity to affect generations unborn, remember it’s our ignorance that birth us more rapist than lovers so much that some will forcefully have intercourse with the wives and think it’s their marital right.

Fight rape and rapists! punish the man/woman with loose libido and not the girl/boy who decide to explore her/his fashion skills.

I hope you now understand that rape in or outside marriage is not lovemaking and you being seduced is not a justification to cause a generation depression they may never outlive.
I am Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola, a product of Psychology who believes everyone can feel, care and respond emotionally when they are brought up in that care filled way.

Thank you for reading, I will appreciate it more if you give this article a wide coverage.

The Marriage Journey (Episode 7&8) by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Episode 7

“Oga, we don reach, pay me make I commot” the taxi driver shouted.

Mayowa dug his hands into his pocket, only to discover he was not with cash nor debit card. Luckily for him, he had his phone with him, obviously it was from there he had been playing songs that blast through the Bluetooth headset he wore round his head.

He launched his ALAT app, “what’s your account number” he asked the taxi driver. “Wetin you mean?”, Caleb, the taxi driver inquired.

Mayowa already knew he doesn’t have a bank account, he wasnt ready for his drama. “Drive me to the nearest ATM, let me get you the fund as I am out of cash”

He initiated a careless withdrawal from his ALAT app, the moment he got to the machine, he got the fund by entering the generated 12 digit code and the pre-selected cash out pin. The fund was available to him the moment the system finished processing the transaction.

Without a debit card he vended money from the automated teller machine, paid Caleb and headed for Reddington hospital where Moyinoluwa was admitted.

Upon arrival, he didn’t want to make the mistake of entering wrongly this time. He enquired from the security man where the reception was located and on getting there, he said “Good day, may I know which section Dr. Moyinoluwa is admitted”.

“Dr. Moyinoluwa? Admitted?. To start with, I don’t think I have ever heard any of our staff by that name, talkless of having any one of them being admitted as we speak ”

He rephrased his statement and it was at that point the chubby looking nurse got to know who he was asking after.

She did a check on the sleeky computer before her and got the details. “Any Id please ”

Mayowa randomly check his pockets, he seem not to have any of his identity cards with him as he wasn’t carrying his wallet. He remembered he was with his phone, he brought his staff e-pass and showed the lady who ran a QR check to confirm its validity. Upon confirmation, she informed him where Moyinoluwa was admitted.

He followed the arrows that indicated how to locate the section Moyinoluwa was, a carefully furnished building with pairs of polished oak doors with elegant poised walkways, the desk and chairs were antique. The doctors and nurses outfit indicate how fast changing the medical world in Africa was becoming.

While entering the ICU, the door opened with a swishing sound, and a young female doctor with her hair in a bun and skin the color of cinnamon approached him. She could only refresh more and more of the memories of Moyinoluwa in him.

He stuttered and made effort to confirm if his future wife was admitted in the wing he just arrived.

The doctor pointed describing the section of the wing Moyin was.

Mayowa walked in with more fears than hope in his eyes, the doctor must have seen it too because she quickly nodded and gave him a small smile.

Entering the room, well equipped and nothing short of 5 stars rating the hospital has been known for in years of its existence.

In the room were five family relatives, the patient’s father,step mother, uncle Dele and his wife,Sharon. Just at the bedside stood a fair looking skinny man, in a blazer and Jean, he had planted a kiss on Moyinoluwa who was unconscious and breathing with the help of the life support machine.

The first scene that captured Mayowa’s attention when he came in was seeing Olumide caressed Moyinoluwa, holding her hand and observing the screen for signs of improvement. “He can’t be a doctor ” he shrugged the thought off while drawing closer.

The strange posture of this man he had never seen made him observe the sign and advert on the shirt he wore under the blazing suit “Customer-centricity; an avenue to redefine the Nigerian made” He remembered the department had appointed Dolapo and Dr. Okoye to represent the Psychology department at the National trade conference to be held at Raddision blu, Victoria Island,Lagos the next day and that was the same event this strange man had worn it’s branded shirt. “who could this be”, he kept musing.

He drew closer that he almost forgot to greet his future in-laws.

“Good afternoon sir” He said prostrating, while Olumegbon, Moyinoluwa’s father stretched his hand for a shake. Both men shook hands.

The last time the two men were together in the room was when Moyinoluwa brought him home and that was the same day Olumegbon wrote on his behalf a letter that got him his lecturing appointment at the University of Ibadan.

Mayowa having greeted everyone except Olumide drew a chair right up next to the bed and Monyinoluwa’s head was bent toward him alternatively. He grabbed her hand and made some fondling round her ring finger, it was at that point the unconscious Moyin kicked to life. To everyone’s surprise including Mayowa.

This drew the attention of the nurse who had been observing the ongoings in the monitored screen captured by the CCTV camera located in the room. She in turn called the doctor on shift and they all headed to attend to Moyin. “We observe she surged to life when you touched her” Doctor Fabian asked Mayowa “Who are you to her”

“My name is Mayowa, her Future husband” he said looking at Olumide. This he did intentionally to observe his reaction.

“Reports from how event leading the patient to this revealed that she had just discovered you both are AS and the aftermath was that she collapsed in the theatre where she was leading a team of surgeon”

Mayowa’s illuminated smile in a matter of seconds paled into obscurity. It was Olumide who now looked in his direction now. His previously glowing face had become scowled.

“Can we leave the patient to the care of the nurse, while I have the attention of Mr. Olumegbon and Mayowa in my office” doctor Fabian requested as she walked out of the Vip ICU.

Doctor Fabian’s office was on the third floor, both men had to take the elevator and walked towards this distinguished office with polished oak doors which bore the doctor’s name.

He was already waiting for them in his office and this time they exchange pleasantries the moment the men arrived.

“I will just go straight to the point,because I understand you both are busy men with busy schedules.” he began his speech.

“I wish I could give nothing but good news” Fabian said leaning back with a file folder in his hands “When the news came that doctor Moyin was diagnosed as AS, I concluded there must have been something wrong with the sample they checked , but when I took the sample upon her arrival and had it checked, it came out that everything revealed at Bethel specialist hospital was nothing short of fact”

“And you are AS also?”, Mr. Olumegbon turned to Mayowa.

Mayowa dipped his head as if in professional acknowledgment. It was not only Mayowa that felt disappointed in the revelation of fate, Olumegbon with his much interest in Moyinoluwa being betrothed to Mayowa.

Fabian switched to counseling and again dished out words of encouragement to Mayowa to move on. “It will be difficult to drop all you have built these years. We understand the sacrifices you have made and how discomforting it will be to dump all you have ever seen as a future, but Mr. Mayowa, you might need to consider the risks involved and how worse the pains might be if you go ahead to marry her,at least think of those tiny creatures that might have to go through endless pains”

“So what you are saying is that I walk away?” Mayowa felt betrayed by fate, he couldn’t hold the oozing tears. He shook the hands of the doctor and Olumegbon and went to the bedside where he was before the doctor called him.

“When I met you eight years ago, I promised to love you when it is most and least convenient for me. It didn’t occur to me that there might be a more confusing option between this avowed words which is loving you when it’s inconvenient for us.

Today, fate has challenged us with the choice of living happily ever after with the risk of having sickle cell kids. Or we continue to be friends forever with our individual families. The doctor has advised that I forsake you at this point. Instead diadem, while at this crossroads, I will be here waiting for you to get back to your feet that we may make this decision together and not until you are hale again, there will be no end to us”

Episode 8

“Welcome back home ” Olumide’s step mother said, placing her hands, as cold as the diamond on both of his cheeks, in a perfectly simulated show of affection like she displayed over the phone when they spoke.

“I guess the guy at that came in the other is the Mayowa, Moyin had always talked about? ” he interjected to clear his curiousity. “Sure, of course”

“Such a loser, he could have at least said hello” he snapped leaving the mother while he entered the waiting vehicle.

There were many things in Olumide’s day that he look forward to. So, he had to brush off the thought of her sick sister and the charade of the future husband’s unfriendliness.

Meanwhile, Mayowa was still there, the bedside murmuring words of affection to the less conscious Moyinoluwa who looked on silently. The pain was still immense. He noticed and continued talking “Sorry, I know this must be hurtful and crazy to be, the same way I feel seeing you in this state”

Moyinoluwa Would like to deny it, but he couldn’t. Mayowa carefully laid her arm and said “that’s it for today” and planted a kiss on her head while he left the room.

He would have liked to stay, just sitting by her side, rattling on about the future and what she might feel like but he needed to deliver his class, Introduction to clinical psychology(Psy 102) by noon as he had missed two classes already since the day begun and he was yet to clean up.

“Unfortunately, there is no idea how soon she will be discharged ” doctor Fabian said responding to Mr. Olumegbon enquiry as they both entered the room immediately Mayowa left.

Mayowa dashed into the uber taxi he had hailed while at the bedside. For a few minutes he sat immobilized on the chair. The sound of that Moyin’s voice rang in his ears.

The vehicle now arrived at his apartment, he handed the chauffeur his fare, grabbed his jacket and slammed the door. He dialed Dolapo’s number.

“You are on to Dolapo’s voicemail box, kindly drop your message” the electronic voice said, he disconnected,stopped on the stairways and looked at the name appearing on the screen to be sure he had really dialed the intended number.

He went upstairs, took a bath and got dressed for his lecture, he concluded seeing Dolapo at the faculty instead of entertaining her gimmicks over the phone.

He pushed open the main door and looked up and down the street for a cab, he couldn’t navigate his phone to hail uber taxi. At that time ,it was some minutes to 12.

The cab rounded the corner and stopped to let out Mayowa who bolted off it, cutting off a couple of students with heavy duffel bags.

“Hey man! Why would you be so impatient ” one shouted as Mayowa hit him.

“He is faculty ” the other Student said “Mr. Mayowa, the new assistant lecturer in psychology”

He headed towards Dolapo’s office.

On getting there, her office locked. He brought out his phone and dialed her line again, this time, she picked.

“What have I done to deserve my crush insistent calls” Dolapo said picking the call.

“Where are you ” he skipped salutations interjectedly.

“Meet me at the foyer,I’m currently rounding off my 11am class” She advised.

Immediately they met at the Faculty lounge. Mayowa extended his hands for a shake,while Dolapo shook shrugged it off and hugged him instead. She held on so long that people started to notice and he smartly let her off while held and led her towards the board room where they talked on Olumide’s identity, if she is aware of what his role at the conference night be.

“That alone has made my day and what has caused the homecoming for my Charming Mayowa?” She said upon Mayowa’s refusal to hug her the second time.

To be continued

Child trafficking: The role of casual sex, government policies and Marriage by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Either the lawmakers, the casual sex workers or the married men who patronized them and their wives who push their men out, one or two of these are the major reasons there are many children uncared for, so much that they were trafficked in the first place.

By the way, what’s child trafficking?

According to International Labor organization “Child trafficking is about taking children out of their protective environment and preying on their vulnerability for the purpose of exploitation.”

Last week Friday, I had closed pretty late from my Victoria Island office, 10PM to be exact. At that time it was difficult to get a bike or tricycle, so I had to trek from Idowu Taylor to Law School bus stop, area of VI, Lagos. While moving from my office to the bus stop, I had seen nothing less than ten ladies nudely dressed in strategic corners of the roads.

At some point I didn’t take cognizance, until I came out of Keystone crescent, just at the edge of the street that leads me to the bus stop, I saw this lady of about 21-22 years. She was stunningly pretty, I needed not ask what she was doing there,while I tried to look away, she reached out to me “Hey Oga! Check me out, you can price”

Well, at that point, getting home was the only thing on my mind, considering the fact that the following weekend tend to be an event packed, I couldn’t even reach that point where I could have made effort to have a chat with her.

Like every other girl in the business,she left her house and informed neighbors and family that she was off to work. Only for one to realize that luring married men out of their marriages was what she does for a living! Don’t judge her yet!

In 2016, I was a research assistant for a firm in Lagos, then, I had been sent to a strippers clubhouse, where most of these ladies make ends meet, somewhere in Pen cinema, area of Agege.

In my pair of Jeans and shirt, I had visited like a regular customer. I was dropped by an uncustomised vehicle of the company, attached a security detail who also was a disguised customer but his own primary assignment was to drink and keep an eye on me.

Unfortunately, I was taken into a room entirely different from where he was, it was as if they knew we were researchers. “They said there was a promotion going on and I seem qualified for the benefit in the VIP.

As a street hussler, I concluded nothing would harm me even if I was in harms way, I made up my mind to go on with the script without my security detail.

We spent an hour and half. Having arrived by 10PM, we left some minute to midnight. It was the most scary moment of my life.

One of my discoveries was that some of these ladies were there to revenge on life,while some do it for the money and others, it was already a lifestyle for them. While there, I spoke to nothing less than seven of them at a random positioning and made effort to interact with about five random patronisers like myself, most of whom were older than I was.

Getting to the point, I noticed that most of those men who visited there were married, some that confided in me even at a short time of our meeting revealed that they were doing it to find happiness, others were there easing up stress while some found their ways there due to peer pressure.

You must be wondering how can a grown up be peer motivated to do stuff like that? Oh, yeah! At least two of out of the five men said they were there because their friends were in attendance. While one said he gave up on his marriage that night and had gone there to clear his head.

I inquired from a fair lady who spoke with me mostly in Yoruba how she will handle it if our intercourse lead to pregnancy as I would want to do it without protection “SOS!” she screamed. “That is expensive” while sizing my worth, looking at the costume I was dressed in.

She wouldn’t talk further, I had to bait her. “I had several SOS that led to pregnancy, some went bad, while others almost took my life, they were what you can term worse” Often time, SOS only has the benefits you enjoy in bed and bear the pains for the rest of your life. For your information, SOS means Skin on Skin. May we continue?

This lady had about twenty five minutes of my time, she introduced me to three of her friends, all of whom were parents. One still married and living under her husband’s roof. Guess what? They were all religious! The central respondent was a worker in a Pentecostal church according to her.

But how she prevent people from knowing her escapade is what I never learnt until we left because my security attachment had to squeeze me out as people started to notice I was not one of them. And my cover was destroyed!

When I wrote my book “The handicapped Hero” how to change the world of those kids at tarmac, slum, under the bridge and every handicapping situation was my goal. I was yet to learn that casual sexual was one major aetieology that needs to be taken into consideration.

However, I just knew Government policies and Marriage were not helping matters.

That night, I learnt that most of the patronisers were married men that can’t afford to divorce their wives even though the marriage had become a liability rather than asset, hence sought alternatives like this, most of our undergraduates and wives with unstable marriages were the servicing agents.

In 2014, I was privileged to deliver a speech at a conference in Sabo, area of Yaba. In this conference, a newly married man had confessed how he had been cheating on his wife. That afternoon, he confessed he was rather considered a prisoner in a prison than being in love.

According to him, his soul, spirit and body were not with the woman he vowed to love forever under any condition. When asked if he had had any experience of any of these slut being put in the family way, he confessed there were many, some chose to lose the pregnancies, while those who went ahead did at their own expense.

At that time, It didn’t occur to me clearly what the man was talking about until I met those ladies in the clubhouse that night.

Vivian, one of the ladies said, when SOS occured, postinor was the next food to take and when that is out of reach they go for “seven up and a drug” she never mentioned. She requested it be kept away.

According to her, politicians and musicians were their good customers. While men like me seem to be a nightmare they never prayed to come across. In her words, men like me is rather tagged “bad market”

Going by this statement, I guess that was why other girls only gave monosyllabic responses when I had met with them and why she opened up seemed strange to me. So much that prior to meeting her, I had called my boss to inform him of the generic responses we were getting which was not helping the thousands of Naira the project had gulped.

Driving home the points, researches like this can help governments come up with policies that can enrich lives and which will put an end to these endemic nightmares for marriages.

You won’t blame most men who go to these ladies. I had discovered most wives don’t care how their husbands fare sexually when they have kids. In other words, what their husbands sexual life is, stops to be their concerns. “Some won’t even allow you sleep with them except they are in the mood or want to make another baby” said one of the men who was peer motivated.

Empirical evidence from the investigation shows that often times, wives who don’t allow their husbands their right to sex were doing that to get back at them for their wrongdoings.

If only they know that they are just pushing out these men to taste other lose women around who would not only have a night stand with them but will do everything at all costs to have them children.

In 2016, I was on a field mission in Isinkwo Mgbom, area of Okposi, Ohaozara, Ebonyi state. I had met a fifteen year old girl who had been sleeping with corp members at that time, in our discussion, she told me how she was born and what led to her inability to control her libido.

She was raised in an environment where she was repeatedly abused by the husband of her then guardian as her mother had abandoned her when she was just a year and some months old.

By the time we met, she was having sex for a living. The fact is that she was beckoned with the upkeep of her siblings. And the sex she engages in with different men were geared towards making ends meet. Even though she gave some for free.

All the siblings she has came about as a result of the mother’s way of life in Portharcourt where she lived. Everytime the mother was pregnant, she would come home to bear the child, dump the infant and went back to her former life.

With the Pen cinema research, most of the confession of Adannaya were things women with lose vagina have caused us.
For many years, human trafickers, sponsor girls to Europe where they are forced to engage in prostitution to pay back their sponsors who are fondly called “madams.” It is simply sex slavery. The trade had badly damaged Nigeria’s image abroad.

If government policies make some women bag jail terms while the children,product of this sexual misdoings are put in the correctional homes, I’m sure those ass will be properly guided.

So also men, if they are imprisoned for being irresponsible fathers, most of them will live up to be the fathers they should.

If a man says because his wife isn’t playing her marital role and he can’t divorce her, nor seek professional help, let such men get sex dolls and stop sleeping around with women to procreate children with no fathers!

If our government could be as proactive as a monarch, in the person of Oba of Benin, who took a drastic step to curb the act of trafficking girls into sex slavery in and out of the country.

Casual sex could be a job licensed like every other profession, I have no business with them but when they shatter marriages, and bring us children with no fathers and render our family institution useless, then I think it should be long heard of, as it has overstayed it’s welcome.
A few days after the Oba’s pronouncement, some of the trafficked girls posted two videos on the social media, vowing not to pay their traffickers.
In one of the videos, an Austrian-based girl, who identified herself as Joy, vowed not to pay further money to her Madam.
She narrated how she came to Europe through Libya two years ago, adding that she was told to pay 30,000 Euro by her Madam so as to be free.
She said: ‘’I don’t have a good job because I have no document. And my Madam expects me to get the money through prostitution and I can no longer cope. I was sleeping in a train station before I was able to get a small house where I live now. I have been paying that money back to my Madam since then. But I thank God when I heard about the Oba’s curse because I need to plan my future and stop being a slave to a woman.

Unlike in the past, these days to be a baby mama with no legit union is trending, being a single father is fashionable nowadays and I wonder whither we go!
We spend hours on our phones, laptops and other devices, just look around any tube carriage. We don’t look at each other, let alone talk to one another. My tip is: heads up, eyes open. You might see a young girl improperly dressed for the weather with a visibly older man, with sorrow and fear in her eyes. Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t look right or feel right, make the call. You could save a life.
Share this information with your friends and family. Have a conversation with your kids, nieces or siblings. Talk with them about human trafficking and learn more about it together. Lastly, if you see something, DO something. Put this number in your phone, in case you live in Lagos ,Nigeria. It’s the Lagos State emergency Hotline–767 and 112 You can call 24/7 and all calls are anonymous.
Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching and emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.
The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others
@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us onFacebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

The Marriage Journey (Episode 5 & 6) by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Dawn was nearly breaking, the sky is now a deep indigo,Mayowa’s spirit was oddly buoyed; he knew now that his fears were at last gaining evidentiary support. For a man who teaches about psychological disorders and stress management seeing one knocking at his doors was strangely comforting. To find that even the most impossible thought he had entertained were perhaps possible after all.

It’s now evident he was just being a man as the time the medical result was received and the moment he last saw Moyinoluwa only proves how difficult times are.

I mean, who will attempt bearing the risk of two AS genotype carriers marrying. Even if they were willing to take this risk, Moyinoluwa’s parents were certainly going to be a big impediment to overcome.

He hadn’t had a call from her all night, but then Mayowa hadn’t called her, either.

Mayowa walked swiftly, his eyes on the sidewalk, his arms crossed in front of his chest, with a Bluetooth headset worn on his head. He knew that he had to be with Moyinoluwa, they just needed to talk, what they will discuss, he had no idea. Even though it was an ungodly hour, Bodija streets were still with people scattered and buses lumbering by and off duty cabs returning to their garages.

Though he was trying to forget the words of Doctor Ilumoye, his fantasy of spending the rest of his life with Moyinoluwa continued to inflict pains on him to the bone.

He had been dreaming for days, an elaborate wedding, and even more elaborate reception afterwards at University of Ibadan Conference Center. And a grand elaborate honeymoon, where he and Monyinoluwa will be alone starting a future where they will together live and raise a family.

On a flight to an island both of them haven’t visited, he imagined how he would watch her sleep on his shoulder and the most beautiful part of his imagination was his honeymoon.

He finally arrived at the hospital where Moyinoluwa works, he made the mistake of going in through the emergency room entrance. It was like entering bedlam, with dozens of people, some of them still bleeding, moving all about, others lined up in the hall like planes at an airport waiting for a runway.

Over the intercom a nurse recited names, called for various Doctors to report stat, reminded new arrivals to have their paperwork filled out and most importantly to have their cash readily available. Nigerian hospitals don’t trade money for anything.

He followed the signs and arrows towards the general admittance and registration desk which was several long corridors away.

Finally, he approached the nurse at the desk and made effort to enquire about his Fiancee. Even though the nurse seemed distracted with her office landphone handset clung to the ear, he still continued with his enquiry.

In his mind, he thought she was trained like a psychologist who could be attending to other stuff, observing a client and still pay a rapt attention to his speech.

By the time he got to realise he had been talking to himself was when the mid twenties lady nurse walked away from her desk and hastily ran into the elevator towards the intensive care unit on the fifth floor.

He had repeatedly dialed Moyinoluwa’s number all to no luck.

Looking around to see if there was any medical staff he could ask of her fiancee’s likely whereabouts, he found none and immediately chased after the nurse.

He pressed one of the four buttons at the entrance of the elevator and the closing doors, opened up to him as he joined the nurse in the elevator waiting for the door to properly shut and she be conveyed.

“My name is Mayowa. And I ask to know which ward is Doctor Moyinoluwa and how do I locate it?”

At that time the door of the elevator had opened as it had arrived the fifth floor where the ICU was located. The place is a space station, all white light, hushed sounds, gleaming hallways ,and closed doors. The nurse finally uttered “Doctor Moyinoluwa collapsed in the early hours of the day in the theatre and now admitted at the emergency unit.”

Right there while listening to the nurse,he saw two doctors conferring in low voices over a chart on a clipboard, he looked in disbelief as he hastily rushed towards the elevator, grabbed the button and went back to the emergency unit where he came from.

One would imagine where the adrenaline came from.

Episode 6

Oladepo wearing a big smile greeted in English that was uttered in a thick Yoruba accent. “What of Moyin” Olumide hastily asked instead of responding to the chauffeur’s greeting.

“She is at the hospital and can’t make it” To him, he thought the sister was in the hospital for work, he had no idea of what had befallen her.

He hopped into the back seat, leaving all the bags in front of Oladepo where they met, distance away from where the Lexus GX470 was parked.

Oladepo handed him his local line and immediately he dialed Moyinoluwa’s cellphone.

Endlessly the phone rang with no response.

For the rest of the ride, they caught up on more neutral topic–City politics,Moyin and her psychologist boyfriend, his father’s business and their street newly upgraded road.

After over two hours of driving Oladepo pulled the black SUV into the circular driveway and stopped as they have finally arrived Ibadan from Murtala Muhammed international airport.

“You may leave the bags in the trunk” Olumide advised. His thoughts was that if things don’t look pleasing at home he might just go to the nearest hotel to lodge. “The moment you give a go ahead, I will send them up” Oladepo corroborated.

Oladepo was wondering how deserted the house he left bubbling minutes ago is. He didn’t put off the car engine when he went to the security room to find out where everybody went.

Olumide didn’t need anyone to tell him how to locate his room. In the elevator, he saw the doorman ,one of the building’s long-time employees “Good evening” he said, as he stepped out at the top floor, directly into the wide marble foyer of his father’s vast apartment located in Fodacis, Oluyole, area of Ibadan.

To his surprise, everywhere was scanty of people, except his father’s employees, mostly the housemaids. He walked down the hallway, towards his old room, the cardboard still tucked under his arm.

He dashed into his father’s room, at the penthouse, still no trace of him.

His conclusion was that they might be in one of their other properties, may be in Iyaganku GRA.

While trying to dial Moyinoluwa’s line once again, his phone buzzed “Funmilayo; Step-mum” displayed on the screen.

The look on his face shows displeasure in seeing her call. “Hello, Kaabo omo mi(welcome,my child)” Funmilayo said smiling immediately Olumide picked the call. “Hello, Ma.” he pretended smiling. “Eku ojo meta(meaning,quite a while in Yoruba) she said in a perfectly simulat ed display of affection. “Yes, it has” he concurred. Wondering if they have known each other that long.

“How was your flight” ” It was fine, he snapped” ” What of daddy? ”

“He is here, dying to see you”

“Where?” “Iyaganku? ” he guessed.

“No, we are at Reddington”

“Doing what, I was wondering how come the whole house was deserted when I got back. ”

His thought had been that the father had been poisoned by her salty food he heard she used to cook, even though the family chef could cook better meals, Funmilayo always preferred to cook her husband’s meal.

“We all came to see Moyinoluwa, she was rushed to the emergency unit of her work place and now at Reddington, at your father’s request. Look, Olumide don’t let me disturb you, I know you must be tired. I wish I could welcome you with nothing but good news” she said stuttering.

“But what happened” he struggled with words. While still on the phone with Funmilayo, he called on Oladepo as he rushed down the stairs. This time, he didn’t even wait for the elevator to open since he pressed the button and the indicator shows that it was coming from the ground floor.

He hopped back into the vehicle, at that time Oladepo was trying to offload his luggage since he didn’t hear anything about him going to hotel to lodge as agreed earlier.

Elsewhere at Bethel’s hospital, Mayowa had arrived the emergency unit where he was told his fiancee had been transported to their family hospital on the father’s request.

It’s been a terrifying moment for Mayowa since he gave his inaugural lecture. From the receipt of the horrible medical results, to the collapsed fiancée and now to face the dreaded future father in law.

He dashed out of the hospital’s reception and hailed a cab that en route Reddington hospital in Challenge, area of ring road, Ibadan.

While enroute, the memory of how he met the 23 years old damsel began to flash through his mind and made his heart much heavier.

He remembered how mirthlessly she laughed that night when she visited him for the first time and eventually when they had their deepest connection.

“May I ask you to take off your glasses” she requested as they began to talk

“Why”

“I have never seen your eyes” with a sonorous voice she answered. “I would like to see them” She smiled, while he grinned too.

“I’m still not sure how smart this will be, but I want to see it. I feel like I don’t even know who you are yet. ”

“So, this would indeed be the way it would start. ” He said as he moved closer, bending his head above her like a golden bird of prey and took off his glasses.

In her eyes, he saw the surprise, the fear and the mute incomprehension.

His hands went to her shoulder and her skin was hot; he could feel the blood pounding just below the surface. He slipped the crimson dress, as light as a butterfly’s wing, down her body and to the floor.

He undid the diamond clasp and let her hair cascade down to her naked shoulders .

He shrugged his suit from his shoulder, and then with one hand unfastened his collar and the buttons below. In his head he heard the whistling of wind, the crack of lightning, he felt a rain of fire, like arrows of flames howling down through a limitless black expanse of sky.

He had endured solitude beyond imagination, he was cold and shivering, he drew her closer, with his finger crawling on her cascaded hair, raised her jaw, bent low and pressed his own cold lips to hers. He sucked the hot breath from her body as her hand fumbled blindly at his belt and trousers.

To be continued…

The Marriage Journey (Episode 3&4 ) by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Moyinoluwa furrowed her eyebrows , as if she was trying to make up her mind about a particular thorny problem. Then she said ” You were right after all, insisting that we double check the result all together at once”

“Oh, honey it’s nothing serious” he responded with a cryptic smile on his tired looking face. “Are you sure, we will be fine”

she curiously inquired leaning back against the door with her lab coat wrapped in her left arm.

“I will just go to the cinema we were to go earlier,perhaps I could clear my head. He said hugging her, her eyes was already soiled with tears, she was grapsing for air as she choked intermittently.

Moyinoluwa returned to the hospital to prepare for the surgery she was having later in the night while Mayowa picked a taxi and headed back to his apartment at Agbowo, area of Ibadan north, directly opposite the University of Ibadan gate.

The moment he got got home, he just laid in bed, idly watching the local news–#36 million embezzled by a snake, the scene of how a Jamb official was narrating how tax payers money was swallowed by a snake in her house.

The Hunger pang chased him off the sofa and went scavenging.

While he opened the fridge to see what he could crunch,his phone buzzed.

+234 began the number and ended with 785. The number looked familiar but unsaved. He wonder who might be calling.

“Hello, my name is Dolapo Akinrinola” The voice of the caller sounded immediately Mayowa pressed the green button on his buzzing phone”

“Hi Dolapo, What may I do for you” he said while responding to the caller’s introduction”

The name was yet to sync in his thoughts filled mind. The medical report he got was still tearing his heart apart and couldn’t help but ruminate.

“I enjoyed your lecture today and must say you are a great addition to the Psychology department, University of Ibadan. I have always been your staunch supporter and really admired you. Today’s lecture was indeed confirming all of my presumptions about you. ”

“Don’t you think today’s lecture being your inaugural deserves a party? I thought one will be ongoing that was why I called to ask for the venue so I may turn up” Dolapo went further in her whining.

He smiled and said “Thank you” The party already held hours back.

She interjected! “Oops, my bad! Then I guess I can entreat someone to a time out at the cinema. Where are you,let me drop by and pick you while we visit the Ventura?”

Now was the time to nip this in the bud,he thought.

“I understand and appreciate you completely” he said trying to round off the discussion,as he was now aware of who the caller was. He didn’t save her number when they talked in the afternoon.

“In a meeting with my Fiancee” he mumbled.

“But if you have to see a colleague who need your expertise, can you get away for a few hours?”

“I’m not comfortable seeing the opposite sex for unofficial matter this late. You will have to excuse me Miss Dolapo. It’s been nice meeting you, but I’m afraid my diadem has been left alone while we talked and she would be needing me beside her now.” Without waiting for her permission, he hung up.

**********************************

Episode 4
Customer-centricity is a key priority for marketers, you need to change the way that you communicate with consumers – to move from campaigns to customer journeys and then towards customer journey optimization. Customer journey, optimization is not only about stepping in at the right time, or delivering contextually-relevant content. It’s about maintaining a ‘global conversation’ across the entire journey ecosystem.

Olumide had gone through this paper-work over three times now. But it appears he won’t be waiting longer than he had to have it delivered.

“We will be on the ground in just a few minutes” The pilot said over the cabin speaker “Flight attendants, please prepare for arrival”

The moment Olumide heard this, he rolled his tablet in its folder and heaved a sigh of relief.

Moments later, the flight landed and the passengers shuffled towards the exit, while Olumide took off his cardboard tube out of the overhead bin and cradled it under one arm.

“Thank you for flying Etihad airways” the flight attendant said with a heavy accent, as he made his way off the plane.

He followed the signs to immigration and passport control. A woman in a cream colored uniform inquired “Foreign national? ” and touched to direct him to the line on the far right.

He didn’t even answer,he kept moving. She seemed surprised and asked again slowly and deliberately “Are you a foreign national,visiting this country?”

“No, sorry, I’m not” Olumide said “I am a Nigerian”

“Oh, then you can go to the line on the left” He nodded his head as thanks and moved towards the lines on the left, but he could feel her eyes on him as he walked away. His fair looking face and outfit was of foreign manufacture,even his haircut probably must have been why the officer mistook him for a foreign national.

The passport inspector was an elderly woman with wirerimmed glasses who studied his passport silently, flipping the pages idly back and forth for a few minutes.

“When was the last time you came to Nigeria?” Mrs. Sogbesan asked.

“Approximately eight years ago”

“You were studying abroad”

“Yes, in Ukraine”

“What course and where did you work”

“I studied Marketing and worked as a business content developer for a few consulting firms”

The inspector looked at him intently through her bifocals. She seemed to be waiting for more.

“While I was a student, I didn’t work but when I finished my first degree, I put in for my second degree and started working with a firm or two. Eventually, got my residence through one of them”

The inspector nodded “You must have come home because of your wife. Is this weekend your wedding? ”

“Yes, yes, it is and you are welcome” He said what she wanted to hear.

The inspector lifted her stamps and rock it back and forth on the back page of Olumide’s worn passport.

“Welcome back” she said, handing him back the passport. He heaved a sigh of relief. ” Baggage claimed and customs are straight ahead.” She said bidding him farewell.

As Olumide walked down the aisle past the desk, thinking one obstacle down, one more to go. His bags were some of the first to come off the conveyor belt as he had flown a first class.

He went towards a custom inspector who seemed to be interested in joking around with one of his fellow workers than inspecting the bags before him. When his turn came, he smiled at him and non challantly passed him the declaration form filled earlier in the journey.

“Has anyone else been left in charge of your bags? ”

Aside the airline, no other. ”

“Did anyone else pack the bag for you”

“No, I did it myself. ”

“Please place them on the counter and open. ”

He pulled the flap back and began to sift through the content of the bag.

After ten to fifteen minutes of verification, he stamped the button of his declaration.

“Thank you” he said ” Ground transportation is down the corridor”

Olumide packed the bags and made his way out of the customs area.

As soon as he got to the arrival area,he met Oladepo, his family chauffeur who had been deployed to fetch him from the airport.

He was expecting to see her sister, as they had agreed days back before he left Europe. So, he was not displaying his cardboard. While walking with his hands clogged with loads, he saw a thin looking man in his late forties carrying an indicator wearing his name.

He moved towards Oladepo and signalled to identify he was to be chauffeured by him.

Oladepo wearing a big smile greeted in English that was uttered in a Yoruba thick accent. “What of Moyin” he asked hastily asked instead of responding to the chauffeur’s greeting.

“She is at the hospital and can’t make it”

He hopped into the back seat, leaving all the bags in front of Oladepo where they met, distance away from where the Lexus GX470 was parked.

Oladepo handed him his local line and immediately he dialed Moyinoluwa’s cellphone.

To be continued

The Marriage Journey season 1(Episode 1-2) by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

“Next slide please” Said Mayowa. He smiled at every interval while explaining each of the slides’ content.

A little laughter from various quarters rented the atmosphere while at other intervals, many remarked murmurring their reservations.

As one image left the screen, another took its place.

“Looks like post traumatic stress disorder patient ruminate on their pains that’s why these lasted longer than usual” Said Dolapo from somewhere toward the back seat.

Her observation caught Mayowa’s attention. “After all someone had been listening all along” He thought within himself. “Okay good, but what made you say that” He finally paused and gave her his full attention while everyone looked in Dolapo’s direction.

“Nothing does, I thought of it all by myself ”

There was an audience of laughter in the hall. Mayowa knows that if he doesn’t put Dolapo in a place she belong, his over 30minutes of lecture sill soon be trivial.

Twenty minutes later, the lecture was over.

The projectionist turned up the lights in the lecture hall and the slide instantly pale into obscurity on the screen. While the attendees started gathering their books and papers together and they shuffled towards the door in their numbers.

“Congratulations ” a few colleagues walked towards Mayowa to felicitate with him on this well delivered lecture.

While everyone buzzled here and there having words with him, Dolapo had maintained her distance waiting till they all leave him to himself.

She noticed he was about lifting his laptop and taking his jacket, then she breezed in with a smile, while he continued stuffing his power pack and laptop into the battered briefcase, he watches her with a smile while she render what seemed like others have said earlier.

“So, you believe that Women are at higher risk of developing PTSD” She asked over her shoulder.

“Yes” he said parting his lips with a smile. “More women have PTSD than men. This fact goes against the common stereotype that PTSD only affects combat veterans, so it is especially surprising. According to a review published by American psychological association, sexual trauma may be more likely to cause PTSD than any other trauma.

They continued their discussion while they exchanged numbers and headed for the exit.

Outside, it was sunny and scorchy, the kind of day when Ibadan actually seemed like a hell, when the cold drinks stores make loads of sale. For a second, Mayowa thought like stopping all he intended to do because going through this scorching weather was terrifying.

The appointment he had to keep, in just forty minutes was in Bodija and right now he was only at UI gate.

However, if walked briskly, he considered making it in time. To enter this small sized cabs with his height was always a nightmare. Putting on his face cap, he set off, to bodija estate where his next appointment was to hold.

Episode 2

In 25 minutes, he had arrived Bethel specialist hospital.

At 34, Aare Avenue, new Bodija,he had come to think of as a medical world. When he once had a car accident, this was where the ambulance had taken him, also when he went to see an orthopedist about a climbing injury to his left leg,this same place was where the whole session went down.

All things considered, he was entering a known pretty familiar territory.

Dr. Ilumoloye’s office was on the second floor of an undistingushed hospital annex. A pair of polished oak doors bore his name on them in raised gold letters nine inches high and below the letters PC, for ” Private corporation”

Since when, had doctors started to seem more like businessmen? Mayowa wondered, as he was ushered through the hall polished wood with an antique Persian runner on it, to Dr. Ilumoloye’s inner sanctum.

Mayowa felt more and more like he had entered an investment banking hall and not a medical office, an impression that was bolstered when he got to the private office with the view of a well kept garden which he could see through the transparent walls dividing the room from the outside world.

Moyinoluwa was already there, sitting on one of the two chairs set up in front of the Doctor’s ornate,antique desk.

As Mayowa came in, Dr. Ilumoloye to his surprise was not wearing a lab coat, but a sleekly cut dark suit, stood up to shake his hand;the thing in the office that even suggested medicine was a box mounted on one wall, where presumably X-ray were sometimes viewed.

Mayowa felt more stunned.

“Moyinoluwa had informed me that I don’t address her on the results until you arrive, even though I still wonder why on earth she wants me to do that being a medical Doctor herself.” said Dr. Ilumoloye starting up a conversation with the Psychology graduate.

While taking his seat on the high black polished, red leather swivel chair. He was a lean man, who looked to Mayowa like one of those guys he’d seen running laps around the streets.

“He teaches at the University of Ibadan” Moyinoluwa said entering the discussion.

Mayowa stole a glance at Moyin who had a pleasant but cryptic smile on her face. Her black hair was pulled straight back, into a tight ponytail. “How was the lecture”, she whispered.

“Really ?” I have a friend who lectures there too, she told me they were having departmental inaugural lecturer for this soon to be assistant lecturer,could that be you” Dr. Ilumoloye said raising his head from the notes he had been taking.

“Mayowa must be this very lucky and smart champ as my friend never stopped talking about him and how she admired him a lot.” The Dr. added.

“Who might this friend be” Mayowa joined the charade, with a faked smile.

He is not a fan of this kind of discussion, he wants to have the result he came for and move on to other things.

“Dolapo” Ilumoloye said.

Mayowa kept his head down, glanced at a chart in the open folder on the desk for a few second, he was silent as he went over the lecture he just had and what the lady who almost disrupted his class called her name and to soon realize had said so much about him to a stranger who happens to be carrying his, and that of his wife to be’s medical results was a mirage he couldn’t comprehend.

“Was I late” he murmured.

“Not as I expected ” She said smiling. “Your lecture went as planned? ”

“It would have been hard for it to go very wrong, I feel like I have delivered it a hundred times already” Mayowa chuckled.

“I learnt you have been together for six years” Dr. Ilumoloye interrupted without looking up.

“Technically, eight years,officially six years, ” Moyinoluwa replied.

“72 months and counting, Mayowa said.

“I see” Ilumoye nodded while he continued to ruminate on how to present the ugly future the couple were yet to be abreast of.

“Want to go to Ventura tonight? ” Mayowa asked Moyinoluwa.

“Would have loved to but we have a surgery tonight”

“What time will it be over”

Moyinoluwa shrugged, “so all these years you are yet to get acquainted to our schedules? Well, often times the event that unravels determines the length. So, to answer your question, I don’t know.”

Ilumoloye looked up at them now. “I have asked that her blood be taken different times today before your arrival and investigated under different conditions and by different person but the results still pan out the same”

At this point, Mayowa was becoming impatient and within him,he had wished this Dr. Cut down to the chase.

Instead, he went on with the lullaby. That moment, Moyinoluwa knew something had gone wrong as this was a line she was used to anytime the opposite of an outcome had reared its ugly head.

Even though Moyinoluwa seemed to be a Dr. the outcome took her by surprise because she had been using the results her parents gave to her all the while which is quite different from what is to be read out.

“Like Mayowa, Dr. Moyinoluwa, your genotype is “AS” and your blood group is O+. While Mayowa shares the same with you. HIV is negative for both, so also AIDS. As well as hepatitis A and B. We didn’t see any life threatening disease,and both parties seem hale hearty. It appears you both have been paying attention to your health.”

Immediately he read out the results “We have a room next to this, where you will be told more on this, to aid your further actions, Dr. Ilumoloye said, sitting back in his chair and pulling on his cuff.

Mayowa couldn’t help but noticed that he wore a gold cuf-flinks.

And for the next ten to fifteen minutes , Mayowa was lost in touch.

Dr. Ilumoloye was standing up and offering his hand across the desk again. “I am sure the Dr. in the next room will be more helpful on where to go from here”.

He was referring to the psychologist who help in patients stress management, forgetting that Mayowa was one himself and had just deliver a similar topic on this kind of life stressor.

Mayowa had to swipe his ALAT by Wema debit card with the nurse at the front desk and then he and Moyinoluwa were back outside.

Moyinoluwa furrowed her eyebrows , as if she was trying to make up her mind about a particular thorny problem. Then she said ” You were right after all, insisting that we double check the result all together at once”

To be continued………….

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching and emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others

@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us onFacebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Dealing with Spoilers by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

She stood in the hallway, a shadow of herself with so much disconnect “How on earth would I be so daft?” “I should have seen his intentions well drawn by his actions” Aderemi was lost in thought and her face looking pale, an evidence of sleepless nights. Of course not borne out of will but Vigils caused by recent heartbreak.

If any relationship is seen thriving, that is because spoilers have not woken up to see its potentials.

I don’t need to be told the perils of Spoilers or life thwarting their presence can cause because, I have seen one and also been one myself.

They are like what the scripture term Christians enemies, “The Stealer, the killer and the destroyer”.

Unlike the scripture, however, their target is blossoming relationship. And if by chance you have not witnessed their impacts or existence in your relationship, my dear, they most definitely have done the damage already or you have never had a relationship in the first place.

On February 17th, 2009, Emmanuel had arrived earlier than usual from his place of work. “That girl has embarrassed most guys on the street, so much that no one ever dares to go near her. ” Ranted Deji,one of the street boys of Aremu Lawal Street while they in their numbers made a jest of this 20 years indigene of Anambra state, south eastern Nigeria.

“Rumour has it that she is in love with Abdul” Osagie said while the rest of the guys bursted out in laughter,while narrating their experiences.

“I can pull a stunt” Emmanuel said entering the discussion.

Immediately he uttered the last word of the phrase of “pulling a stunt”, the beautiful diva passed again, this time with no load on her head.

He ran after her, they began to talk while she went where she was going and they both returned. Till they got back she had grinned from ear to ear.

The rest of the stunt is now history! The spoiler of Abdul and Ifeoma’s affair took the treat and had everything he wanted, stole her relationship, killed her love for him and destroyed for live their shared memories.

Often times when these spoilers come,they tend to be these our most wanted choice, they are what we call “crush” and they end up crushing our hearts.

They could be male or female, married or single, widow or divorced, young or old. They are who they are by their intentions. Never on a serious mission.

The relationship with them comes with regrets and bitterness.

They are distractors and distractions. The party lured away will be too overwhelmed to even think of what has beckoned on him or her.

He or she will just develop a high degree of interest in them and ruin by himself or herself what he or she has been building with someone else before this spoiler arrived.

The sad part is, even if the intentions of these ones become unmasked, there is still this belief that they are the most romantic people on earth. And the more the spoilers try to move on, having done what they came to do, the more the victims fall in love with them.

In August 2017, I had my own share of the spoilers intervention. I was lured away from my already built courtship.

To me, the relationship was built on the most solid rock ever. So, being a Marital Psychologist, no one can ever pull such stunt called the spoiler on me.

Until I wrecked all those memories, thwart all feelings and ran after the wind,it never occurred to me that I have just been struck by the Spoilers’ hit.

One striking thing about this adventure is that, every episode comes with hopes that becomes gloomed in the long run. Yet, because you seem close to the expected joy of having them in your life, this will conflict the choice to dump them and move on.

We all have different prices we pay to these spoilers but there is a common price among all of us who have been a victim and that is the relationship we had before their arrival.

You know, if you had seen them as spoilers ,you might have built every possible fence against them, so they will come as one who is interested in helping you nurse your relationship.

All they want to do is give you joy but the reality is that they have come solely to steal that joy!

I had a client in December last year after I had had my own share of “Spoilers visit”

His name is Ademurin, I have known him for years but he has never seen a reason to patronize my works.

That Saturday we got chatting, as you know, we were talking secrets.

I couldn’t imagine Pastor Ademurin to have been in such past, anyways it is his past we are talking about but the thing is,he is being confronted with one of his former ordeals and the bad news is, he needs my help.

With much ego, I told him “Oga you will pay oo” He wired me some airtime credit and we began the therapy.

The thing is this, Ademurin was just coming out of a bad relationship and being cushioned by a friend who he ended up having worse relationship with and my friend was battling with the emotion. She had moved on but my pastor friend was still entangled somewhere with her.

While I draw the curtain, the gist is not for you to know what I and Ademurin, my friend had gone through, it is for you to know that spoilers are not ghost, they are not the witches we see in Nollywood movies nor the devil we are always asked to pray against in churches and mosques, they are you and me.

We are not spoilers because we planned to, we are spoilers because we get carried away in our imagination. We want perfect relationship but forgot we also are filled with much imperfections. We want a tall dark and handsome dude but forgot that even as tall as he is, his mind may be as dark as his face. And if we don’t tread cautiously, he will thwart our beauty and add to his handsomeness.

While you read this, please pause, ponder and resolve on how you can make your relationship impenetrable, your life and mind distractions free.

Remember, the spoilers are you and me and we can’t seem to seize this human nature because they define us!

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching and emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others

@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us onFacebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

THE MEDIA FLAUNT IS NOT THE REASON MARRIAGES CRASH, THE HUMAN NATURE IS (2) by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

When Rebecca met Tijani, it was not online but when they became so close, Whatsapp was the tool that helped them achieve this.

If they will take it from there or let it stuntedly grow, it still remains their call to make!

Whenever you have a gist partner you tell everything other than your spouse, you might need to answer the question of who owns your loyalty.

As far as nature has proven overtime, the Marriage you have in the first place is a product of communication.

And quality communication births friendship, which has Trust embedded there in.

You will agree with me that it’s easy to forgive a friend than a lover. You have every reason to contest this, but in all honesty, when a friend offends you and a lover does, who do you spend little time dwelling on his or her error the most?

You have nothing to hold back from a friend because you don’t believe you can lose them due to your long time standing trust. And that will always take you back to them. By the way, do you think there is any reason other than Trust? Let’s talk.

If Tiwa and Teebliz were friends they would have sat down to talk about Teebliz’s infidelity and it wouldn’t have been feasted on by the press.

I understand it’s not that easy but when friends are dealing with issues, ego and self esteem always give way to what exist between them.

If I may ask, how does infidelity occur in a relationship? It’s not rocket science, it’s another human nature that every relationship must battle with at every point in time.

Most of the superstars named in the earlier part of this content have in one way or the other exhibited how forgetful we are as humans. I mean, why should you forget that media platform owners have a business to run and having your marital instability story told to the world is enough to win them tons of readers.

I can assure you these people will go the extra mile to get you talk about your private life in public. Exactly what Tiwa Savage did on national TV stations.

I wonder why one who has a woman as beautiful as Tiwa Savage will be giving a nod to another woman other than his solemnly chosen wife.

Wonder not too much because being an infidel is not what anyone caught in the act ever sat down to think through.

When we pay no attention to what needs our attention, we end up spending the most resources attending to the aftermath those things we cared less about will bring to our lives.

To answer the question of what someone like Teebliz was looking for when he had a successful and beautiful wife as Tiwa. I will tell you for free that when a woman doesn’t give her husband enough sex, someone somewhere will do just that.

And then I remember that Tiwa might be very busy to keep her man satisfied in bed and this must have made the less busy caterer to assist her.

In my book, “Matters of the heart” I advised readers never to compromise sexual compatibility for anything.

Why do you have to get into marriage to understand someone is not as interested in sex as you do?

You mean how, when you have not had sex with them before?

Excuse me! You don’t need to sleep with a person to know their sexual view. Please talk about it, in their words you can weigh their interest and thirst in this area.

Imagine if you had embarked on a travel journey with your spouse and he alights before you arrived at the destination, leaving you all by yourself to head to where he was supposed to take you.

That’s the thing most couples have ever had to face. When the other person reached orgasm in less than a minute of the sexual journey, leaving the other party to wallow in pain of emotional loneliness.

It will interest you to know that most people won’t have married their partners had they known their marriages will be sexless.

Often times when people go to bed with other people, it is because of what they can get from those people which their marriages/relationship cannot give.

To quench this, it’s important lovers begin to pay attention to sexual activities than they would to sexual interest and desires. Because the former brings about the later.

I will conclude by saying, if you want your marriage or relationship to last, spend more time knowing your partner, gaining her trust and aiming to be her friend so she may be loyal and discuss virtually everything with you.

Most importantly, let your bedroom not be a boardroom otherwise your sex life will become an intercourse and no intimacy will ever survive between you and your partner!

When all these human natures are curtailed then Media and other trivia things can be relegated to the back seat of our relationships where they belong!

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching and emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others

@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us onFacebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

The Media flaunt is not the reason Marriages crash, the human nature is…by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

The moment she got home, the first thing her thought crossed was having his phone. Although, not on her death bed will she ever think the James she has spent most of her life with would be a cheat but the overwhelming rumour is just unbearable to look away from.

So, checking his private messages, even though he had repeatedly assured her that his life is not private to her, was just the best way to confirm this rumour.

The moment she got a lead, confronting him was next in line. Unfortunately, he mismanaged the argument that ensued, boom! Off she went to her social media pages.

On Facebook she had updated her status with ” Trust no one, even your shadows leave you behind” Her IG handle have similar quotes and her Twitter also carries same message of bitterness.

Little did she know that onlookers have started sniffing in, peddlers have been given soundbite to carry around and haters can now be as hateful in their rumours as possible.

And why all these? James no longer goes to bed with his wife and has given her every reason to think someone else does!

Five months into their marriage,the marital bed went cold. When he wants it, she is never in the mood and when she is horny, he was too busy for such!

Day after day, they grew distant from each other and the wild imagination of regular sexual intercourse in marriage has gone out the window.

It is said that “If you will never want to have sex again, get married “

Why? Most marriages due to so many reasons have gone from Holy matrimony to holy hell,sadly media has been repeatedly blamed for this.

Well, that might seem like it because often times we are connected to the internet than we are to our partners.

Most weddings are known for a lavish and costly ceremony, unfortunately these marriages don’t fare so well on longevity.

For example, Kim Kardashian‘s short-lived marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries, cost the pair £109,722 per day after splashing out £7.9 million on the big day.

News feeds on social media and live streaming on youtube only promised much compatibility of couples when they go down the aisle but no one ever thought that the real test of compatibility is not in the luxurious weddings, instead the test of their personalities answers how much compatible they are.
Comedian Eddie Murphy and TV personality Tracey Edmonds split up just two weeks after their ceremonial wedding in French Polynesia.
So also, Actor Mario Lopez’s six years relationship with model and actress Ali Landry ended in an annulment after two weeks of marriage when photos emerged of him with another woman at his bachelor party.

Coming home to the Nolly, Tonto Dikeh got married to a businessman, Churchill Oladunni in August 2015 only for this glamorous wedding to turn to a crashed marriage just months later.
Someone said “Fathia and Saheed Balogun ‘s marriage was probably one of the most admired celebrity marriages back in the days. Like others, this didn’t last, because by 2006 the marriage had already hit the rocks.

Those whose Marriages are great have learned to manage circumstances and keep Media and other distractions at the rear seat.
Travolta compares acting to marriage, saying, “I’ve always thought of a relationship with an actor to an audience as a marriage. And a story where there are ups and downs, and you work through them, and you work with them.”

May be the ones who had their unions dissolved days after engagement only work through the ups and down but could not work with them because they were burdens!
Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward married in 1958; they were together for 50 years at the time of Newman’s death in 2008. Which means Joanne kept her vows. But does it mean there were no challenging times?

Absolutely no! It simply means she and Paul learnt to live happily together when it was sweet and bitter.
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have been married since 1982, So also Denzel Washington and Pauletta have been married since 1983. May be these ones don’t have social media accounts? Or they don’t get their private life exposed to the media? For sure,all these are present!

That we have the likes of Joke Silva and Olu Jacobs married for over 30 years is not an African magic.
Nollywood actress Ireti Doyle has been married for over 20 years to broadcaster, veteran actor and media personality, Patrick Doyle.

Were these relationships without turmoil? Of course,No! They had lots of them and they were so widely spread! What matters is how they were managed.

Just to set the record straight that Media though may cause some imbalances but should not throw any Marriage off it’s weight if the human natures are curtailed.

Posting pictures of you and your spouse on media or taking what is going on in your private life to the public is not the reasons relationships or marriages crash, although they may just be the first step to it but not a whole cause in itself.

The good news is, Media is going nowhere! On a daily basis different app that connect people is launched!

Then we must be forced to fix our broken relationships and mend the shattered hearts. But what might be the panacea?

A typical relationship grow from bad to worse when it is confronted by Mistrust, infidelity, third party influence, lack of quality talk time and dedicated online presence rather than bed time presence.

Most relationships have the above but when all are present in one relationship, there is every chance that such relationship won’t see the light of the day.

Every relationship has its unique flaws but when your relationship is built on mistrust, being ravaged by infidelity and low talk time, and in the bid for help you placed it in the hands of third party, such relationship is at the point of crashing.

Marriage as a matter of truth is two people affair, so I wonder why a third party should be brought in when things are not adding up!

Don’t get me wrong, people will sniff around and make guesses, but you are the architect of your own happiness and when it’s kept in the hands of others,I’m afraid to be the bearer of bad news. oops! You are a dead man living!

Not even your mum is entitled to a narration of how much impairment your spouse has, after all you have always seen those flaws screaming to your face before you said you would be his lover forever.

Learn to make your relationship people or third party proof.

Sadly, people flee these days at the beckoning of a compelling situation.

It is pertinent to know that those you are taking your quarrels to most times don’t have a ready made solutions for you, often times you are the one who will still sit down to figure what the ways out are!

Then I ask, why can’t lovers cry on the shoulders of whom they have vowed to spend the rest of their lives?

Even though those people are the cause of their unhappiness? After all, they both said “For better, for worse they will be each other’s help meet.”

Then why run away when those worse situations present themselves?

We hurriedly go to court to get some paperwork so that we can make our relationship with that new facebook friend formal. Is it not because we want to have sex with anyone we choose that we quickly end all engagement with whom we have built years of commitment?

This always happens because it is human nature to run away from the truth! Even when fears mount so much in us, the fact that we gave it a thought is already enough to throw us off balance.

Whenever you have a gist partner you tell everything other than your partner, you might need to answer the question of who owns your loyalty.

To be continued

Get to read Matters of the heart by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola, a book that discussed heart of all matters. Where topics like this was in detail explained.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching and emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others

@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us on Facebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

It’s Hard to Keep a Lady Than Winning Her by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Life without challenges is a great challenge in itself. Often times, it’s rarely possible to appreciate a gold medal one does not labour for, so much that this gold without much contemplation can be exchanged for wood; I mean firewood with so much joy. Why? Because it’s value is not known.

And then you begin to wonder, how on earth is that possible? Only to realise you have been a victim of this postulation over and over again.

I was a partaker of a session on Work-Life balance conference in the early part of this year and having delivered this seminar paper, an octogenarian posed a question that would dislodge one without personal experience of such phenomenon. He asked “Why is it difficult to keep a girl than to win her?” My response is narrated below:

“One thing I know life has have us do is being in adventure and the moment we are out of one, life brings its boring side to us because life itself is adventurous”

Getting a lady is like becoming a professional in your field, if all you are concerned with is taking the courses and graduating without practising, which requires further learning and examinations, you are worse than the eunuch who has no drive for the opposite sex because you will be frustrated out! ”

I mean, when we are attracted to a woman, we become so determined to winning her heart that we go to any length to see to it that we have her heart thinking about us only but we forgot that accepting the proposal means we get to work and prove those quotations in the love offer.

While trying to win her, we would consult when we need to, read and even hire one of her allies to do the talks on our behalf in the name of whatever drive we have motivating us.

We don’t care if the girl is beautiful, as long as we are convinced we have the reason to go for her, we will do everything to see to it that this is achieved.

Unfortunately, one becomes comfortable once handed the key to her heart and like you know, nothing thrives in the comfort zone.

If only you realised that much works are needed to keep her than to win her, you would have reloaded your Arsenal,gone back to the drawing board to restrategise because that moment you got the key to her heart, the battle to owning her for live became launched.

One of the mirages of love is that people mistaken commitment for sacrifice. They thought when they are sacrificial, it automatically defines their commitment. Forgetting that sacrificing a thing could define our selfishness and not because we are committed to the thing being sacrificed for.

In other words, that you left Lagos for Kaduna to see your girlfriend serving in Zaria doesn’t mean you are committed to the relationship, you might have been sex starved and would go that mile because she was ready to pay the fares down there.

One of the ways we will realize how committed/selfish you are is if you go/don’t go to bed with another woman the moment you are back in your station when an opportunity presents itself.

If only you are able to hold yourself, stay true to your allegiance with her either she is near or far that even if you have many free sex offers, but you remain unaduanted and committed to making the sacrifice of waiting because you know she will always be yours. Only then your sacrifice can translate to commitment and in turn, true love.

What we do when we love people is not determined by those people if we truly love them, as we can’t only love them when they love us, but overwhelm them with love even when they can’t feel a thing called love for us!

The journey, commitment and sacrifices needed when you have a lady’s heart is far greater than that you will face when convincing her. Why? When you have her, you are no longer competing with anyone but yourself.

Yes! You are competing with who you were for her yesterday that you can’t afford to be the same today and who you will be tomorrow. She has seen you as a god, one that must be her cause of happiness and she expected you to continue to give her reasons to thank her stars for staying with you as a choice.

Hey! She expected you with many flaws but has no expectations you will shrink or get shied off by them. Her love for you like every other product comes with expiry date but your renewal of those subscriptions is dependent on your commitment to her.

She would never be cool if you took her to Miami the previous year for your love anniversary and this year you are considering taking her to University of Ibadan zoo.

It’s not because she is materialistic, she is just like every other human with insatiability and the farther you can go in making efforts even when you don’t meet them, oga madam is as ever proud of you than she has ever been.

Don’t take her words for it when she says “Don’t bother yourself if you don’t have the money” because deep down her mind she wished you go the extra extra miles, even if you end up having a futile effort,she is more satisfied than when you became unperturbed about you not being able to break a leg for her.

You see, I may not be able to tell in details what you need to do to keep your woman but I can conclude by saying that majority of them(Ladies) are moved to love by what they hear you say.

So, say those words that will remind her she is as special as you painted when you were going to steal her heart away.

And please mean it, don’t say what you don’t mean because you will soon realize how hard it is to keep a lady than winning her when she is not a need for you. By so doing, you will be depriving others who to them she is their greatest need!

Get to read Matters of the heart by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola, a book that discussed heart of all matters. Where topics like this was in detail explained.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching and emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others

@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us on Facebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Between Unrequited and Mutual love? by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Life may not have us pitched with the missing rib until it’s right. Sadly, some ended up marrying a second best even when it’s clear that this one they are involved with is not a match for them.

But what do we do when the one we crave doesn’t seem to be close to loving us? Imagine an allegory I painted in my yet to be published book “Matters of the heart” about how the ones we love don’t even feel a thing called love for us.

I had narrated how those we love are so much enthused with others who love them not. And we all seem to be chasing shadows.

In the book, I described how we go out of our ways to cushion the pains of these ones even when we know this is borne out of their very selfish reasons.

Between Unrequited and Mutual Love by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

While I wrote this book, I imagined if there have ever been two partners who had pictured their eventual married spouses before they did. In other words, did Richard picture Kehinde’s features and Kehinde vice versa before they met? Or they just settle for each other because the ones they individually loved didn’t feel same for them?

Isn’t it that Richard had been chasing someone better than Kehinde and had to use her as a fall back fiddle when the main target was out of reach?

Aaron Ben-Ze’ev in his book “In the name of Love” had said that “It is often the case that the intensity of love is not equal among lovers; hence, lovers have to cope with such differences.

One of the many reasons people fall out of love after a long time is because they had fallen in love with a replica of those they marry.

Imagine Soji in love with Damilola, having done everything possible to convince her to look into dating him but he never for once looked attractive to her, Soji may persist until she is married off by someone else.

And he with no option will have to go for someone who had been giving him green light,sadly this is someone he doesn’t love!

Have you wondered why some people will dance their lives out at their wedding reception? And some will be indifferent about what the wedding reception looked like,that they just want to get married and move on with that phase of life?

If you see a man jumping from pillar to pole on suit at his wedding reception and you are like “why is Ayo’s dance so exceptional today”. He is the happiest man mostly because he married the one he loved and not the second best. To Ayo, he had just been handed the medal after a very competitive challenge.

The woman might not feel the same way, may be Ayo was the second fiddle to the Thompson that never looked her side.

This doesn’t mean she won’t be happy with Ayo,the difference is just that she might be happier if it had been Thompson.

Finally, in most relationships with unrequited love, people usually refer to painful experiences where one partner feels no love whatsoever toward the other.

However, this extreme case is less common than those in which there is more nuance, where both people do love each other, but the kind and intensity of the love is different. That might be exactly what Ayo’s wife felt for him when Thompson had become someone else’s.
So next time you spot someone who catches your attention and makes your pupils dilate with interest and enthusiasm, pay attention to whether they replicate your feelings towards them. However if they do, but don’t seem to show it like you do and you can see the dream you envisioned for your life in them, grab them tightly.

If they can share in your delight and can accept you for who you are today, not for who you can be tomorrow, then you have found your friend whom your love should grow better for.

Get to read Matters of the heart by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola, a book that discussed heart of all matters. Where topics like this was in detail explained.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching and emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others

@ Marriage Journey, We are as social as our works,so you can connect with us on Facebook(https://facebook.com/Maritalpsychologist), Instagram (@Maritalpsychologist), Twitter (@Maritalpsy)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Knowing when to draw the line between Family and Career by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

To be career driven is great but nothing is as great as a career that puts family first.

Be you a Doctor, an Astronaut, a Farmer, a Soldier or what you are. The day the family is at peril because a father was absent or a mother was not at home, that day the doom of such missing parent’s career begins to mount.

I understand there are careers we nurse that make us hostile towards the family, some even make us not to look back while other turn our backs against those who had given everything they had to give us these dreams in the first place.

I became sad when I had to look around and all I could see was overwhelming and irreversible broken marriages.

What disturbs and rips my heart apart mostly is when we don’t know when and how to draw the lines.

If you were asked which you will consider between being at a party’s primaries because you are a likely ticket winner and being with your wife in the surgery theatre while she battles death due to cancer, which will you choose?

What decision will you make between attending your child’s graduation ceremony and preaching that sermon you have spent all your time preparing for?

When the choice stares at you between deciding if attending that board meeting and going to see your son that has just being detained by the police, what will be your choice to choose.

I have seen a question gone round many a time between choosing one’s wedding solemnization and a billion dollar contract defense. A lot had said they would choose the dollars ahead of their big day. I have a question for all of them today.

“When you have the money, exactly what joy will that bring you?”

“After all we work because of the family we have” “Without money, there is no love”. “The children won’t respect me if I were poor.” Aren’t these their excuses? All is crap!

Those can always wait after all! There is a clear distinction between affection and pleasure.

Choosing between family and career by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

Atty. Josepus Jeminiz once said “Even as man advances in wealth and success, he deteriorates on the basic standards of joy, peace and serenity.

As we all compete and struggle for power and possessions, we often neglect what really matters most. In our insatiable mania for supremacy over the rest, we often forget the most important things in life.”

Our preferences indicate our true character. Our priorities are the best indicators of our real identity.

What profits success?

Before I reel out my intentions, it is important that I make you and everyone who is going to read this content know that there is no career, I repeat no career is as important as the family we belong to.

When others we render our services to go to sleep these ones can’t even slumber until they see us or hear we are safe.

My mum won’t even sleep in her house until she hears I am back in my house, this she would confirm with careful attention to background sounds over the phone despite how many kilometers apart we live.

I used to have this colleague who would opt to work for 12 to 14 hours a day, going home only to change clothes or catch a few hours of sleep. Not surprising, the day he was shown the door the wife had become someone else’s. You want to know about the children? They were matured rogues in their different cliques.

But really, he had lots of assets, plaques and medals to show for these meritorious service that ended in dismissal. And when he had gone home,where he could have been comforted,he met the doom that had patiently grown over the years.

What profits an exceptionally successful Doctor who watched his son grew up into armed robbery because he wasn’t home when he ought to? What is the reward of that highly successful Special adviser to the President or wealthy businessman if ultimately, he loses his marriage and ultimately destroys his family?

Sigmund Freud pontificated “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection ”

What any boy needs to be a man is in his father and all he needs to get this is watching him all day.

But, what happens when the father, the banker is always in the dealing room and comes home when the boy is fast asleep only to leave just before he is awake?

In my book, “The Handicapped Hero” https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/624807 I had identified elaborately the danger in having fathers who evade their duties and those are better termed sperm donors. I didn’t only point out the bad without letting them know their way out.

While I respect the choice of those who put careers before family, I will like to write this to my unborn children that I was raised by a single mother who quit her thriving business for me in 1999,she lived an impoverished life to have me educated. She understood what it meant to be a parent and family was a big deal to her.

For me, family is a place to be when I am entagled with the choices

of having to be home or to be in that Marriage seminars which is my job.

When Mrs. Ezekiel Fatomilola is in the hospital, I have no other business elsewhere because she has my allegiance first.

My child’s birth comes first if I have to choose between the conference I had weeks prepared for. After all, there is no greater sermon as telling my daughter she has a father who does what he preaches as charity begins at home.

To now lie in my family name instead of being at the board meeting because I want to go to another place is what I will never do!

In conclusion to my generation and those after us, it is imperative to learn from the mistakes of others. We should straighten our lives and put our priorities in order.

I had this software geek as a friend, he resigned from his well paying job because he couldn’t be given some unpaid leave days to go see his sick dad. Raymond was called back to be head of the department he left just two months later. Having risked his career for the family.

To those on the other side, I understand how hard it will be for you to choose family first, but I pray that all you have ever built as dreams will not be futile because you have not raised a family.

As for me and my wife to be, our family comes first and will always, God helping us!

This article is dedicated to Esther O. Fatomilola.

Ezekiel Fatomilola is author of the book “The Handicapped Hero” with relevant age long experience in relationship coaching and emphasis on professionalism.
He is media savvy with many published works.

The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others.

Adewale as much as his works is social and can be found on Facebook(Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola), Instagram (eafatomilola), Twitter (easycare77)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Need to talk Relationship or your next project management and marketing? Hit me on

Ezekielfatomilola@gmail.com or +2347066444111

FAILURE IN COURTSHIP,AN AMPLE OPPOURTUNITY TO SUCCEED MARITALLY 2—-Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

When I eventually met with Deji,I had to first congratulate him for being a man. Read my lips, in that situation, he was a man. Only a coward eschews confidence in the presence of war.

Just before I passed my remarks, I had asked him “Why did you quit”

“I don’t see any future with her” he remarked with eyes soiled in tears. “If I knew, I would have nipped it in the bud, I thought it needed not to until the obvious fished me out.”

“She has good qualities but my needs are much more. She has physical beauty but my heart demands for a beautiful mind.”

“Seunfunmi is cultured, but I will rather prefer a wiser damsel. When I aggregated all of these, I noticed I was selfish only to later realize it was my level of depth that longed for something more, so as to bring forth all those buried potentials I am yet to tap.”

“You will agree with me that if I look away, circumstances someday will have me look towards them and by then whatever choice I make will never be defendable nor tenable for justice in any sane law court. At least in one overseen by God himself.”

“Is it not rather a better choice to run today so that my race can have me live to fight another day?
Although you may not buy my line of thought and you may feel very much dissapointed in me but I am happy because I have a sense of fulfilment.”

“At least I didn’t have my conscience seared with hot iron. I hope she recovers to understand my choice, for it is better to be individually happy rather than live our eternity in sorrow together. As it will not make sense to force a clogged wheel to move. Not only will it be time wasting, but also energy sapping to have such relationships continue.”

This is just to reassure those who had to move from an intense commitment to remain unshakable if they made their decisions on their own and of course had their conscience along. It can only take the right person to convince them they made the best of decisions after all.

It is my best hope that when you spot someone who catches your attention and makes your pupils dilate with interest and enthusiasm, please don’t only pay attention to whether they replicate your feelings towards them.

Kindly find out if they can carry your life as much as you will carry theirs, especially in instances where you are handicapped. Simply put, it is better you choose a partner that makes you possess two good working heads because these are better than one.

Build a relationship with a resource filled person as you are or more. If you are much lucky you find one that delights and can accept you for who you are today, not for who you can be tomorrow, then you have found your friend whom your love should grow better for.

Remember to fall in love is a decision you have to make but staying in it is all the outcome of that decision you have made if it was right or wrong!

Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola is the author of the weekly published article titled “Marriage Journey ”
He is a media savvy with many published works. The Psychology graduate is saddled with branding and digital marketing of firms like Emerald green Services Limited, AHC Limited amongst many others.

Adewale as much as his works is social and can be found on Facebook(Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola), Instagram (eafatomilola), Twitter (easycare77)and LinkedIn (Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola)

Need to talk Relationship or your next project management and marketing? Hit me on Ezekielfatomilola@Gmail.com or +2347066444111

WHY MANY OF US ARE STILL UNMARRIED by ezekiel adewale fatomilola

Dear Parents,

Errrm! Sir and Ma! On behalf of my fellow singles, we would like to make some plea…..

Honestly Sir and Ma, I hope my opinion will represent the interest of fellow Bachelors well in this confession.

Truly, we have brainstormed, we assiduously worked but no breakthrough however, and having considered your investment in us over the years and how much anticipatory you have been to see your grandchildren, we hope you can continue to pray for us as we share this most kept secret with you Dads and Mums!

The soap operas and family dramas we have seen on cable channels, TV, Cinemas and on our computers, have revealed why many of us are single despite the ticking time, some had breakthrough at 40s and some are still awaiting their divine settlement.

Well we can’t seem to make a choice because we don’t have a gift to present even as we have tried to gift a present, we can’t seem to make up our minds so soon because we dread heartbreak or simply put, disappointment because we don’t have our hearts put together yet.

We have ladies who wear clothes you parents call rags, as much as we try to satisfy their needs of having Daughters -in-law they can pride over, it all appeared we are trading off our most cherished needs in them.

Danjuma Khalif is a typical example, just last week he was told to marry a third wife after the two first wives were regarded as not suitable for their family most cherished custom and were sent away.
Forgetting why the second wife was married in the first place was as a result of these parents’ opinions of the first wife.
Reports from Danjuma have it that, he was not interested in taking a second wife despite the first wife’s imperfections, he loves her still but the parents’ threat, pesters and bugs made him look in the direction of taking another wife and divorcing the first woman. Danjuma in his regrets, lamented how he cherished seeing his parents face being beamed with joy at the expense of his own future joy.

Guess what? Danjuma Khalif is a succesful marriage drop out.

Why Many are unmarried
Why many of us are still unmarried by EZEKIEL ADEWALE FATOMILOLA

In our meeting, we also learnt how Michael Stone was made to depart from his most cherish lifetime friend, Kate. He confessed out of sorrow that he had dated Kate for seven years but his decision to walk down the aisle with the MBA degree holder was knocked off by the sentiment his mother has for women who are non-Americans. Especially due to her strong loathe feeling for the Blacks.

Dear Parents, your era is completely different! your date will mean eating corncobs and having tea, eating yam and palm oil. I mean date in your era will mean cozying up behind stones but Girls these days are very high expensive maintenance.

If you ask Chibuzor Ndidi who got married today at Eko hotel, he will tell you he always paid multiple bills weekly at coffee shops, ShopRite and other malls to prove his love to Janet before she said yes! However, in your days, frequent visit with no dime spent is enough to walk into each other’s heart.

Sir and Ma, most times we are always stuck between Love and expenses. We have got to prove many stances to win the heart of those who eventually agree to be ours, to now face more hurdles before you agree to our choices is time consuming, energy sapping and destiny wasting.

Papa and Mama, we love you as much as we love our peers who are of the opposite sex and of course, among them come our soulmates and we will need you to slow down on the zeal you have when it comes to our decision of who to marry, we understand how much you love us, we cherish how much you esteem our need to make right choices but you also need to understand that if we are robbed of our marital price, you will be equivalently stealing our conjugal prize and eventually successful union might be out the door!

Baba mi ati Iya mi(My dad and My Mum), You needed to see how a whole community was set ablaze in Dutse, capital of Jigawa State,  Nigeria because Ayobami Joshua could not give up his love for Halimat Shuab when the parents of both lovers kicked against their union because they are of different religion and ethnic groups  despite how much sacrifices and commitment this duo have made to accommodate their differences.
it’s so heartbreaking to see Halimat take her own life because she couldn’t see his man become someone else’s own. Unfortunately, also it was seeing her family killed members of Shuab’s family because their only child died over the marriage rejection palaver.

Ayobami had carried that wound and the stigma of murdering her partner because her parents rejected all his life.

Salman Uthman married Kareena out of pity despite the lack of love between them. Why? Mr. and Mrs. Almeda Uthman believed that it is their customary responsibility to choose a wife for their son Salman despite his confession to them that he is in love with another person.

Finally, I will like to inform you that some of us understand our differences, we acknowledge the stratification and the groupings in our world and through this we Know what works and what doesn’t through experience.

I also realized many met their present enemy of marital success in their 20s. Yes, I will agree with you that nowadays aborting is no more a big deal, but I suppose you agree more that even in your days, pregnancy was still carried outside wedlock and many of them too were removed out of shame.

Mama and Papa, biko, try and reason when we deviate your norms or values, as we are in the age where it is essential that Men be emotionally intelligent! We avow to protect those values which define us as a people but not at the detriment of our happiness and those after us.

I have concluded that it’s never late you allow us concentrate on bringing home NKEM! As we now understand you were not happy with our yesterday and we are doing a lot to better our lots because we are surely not stuck or out of ideas to bring the best our heart finds.

Till this time next week when I shall be writing you, its THE MARRIAGE JOURNEY and I am ezekiel adewale Fatomilola,the Marital Psychologist.

Don’t forget to kindly peruse more of my articles via https://maritalpsychologist.wordpress.com/ and follow me on facebook via Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola and @Easycare77 via Twitter

 

IN SEARCH OF THE SLAYER WHO SLAYS EVERYTHING? by ezekiel adewale fatomilola

My name is Kelvin Oyedeji and below is my narrative

All my life I have met many beautiful faces, I meant females. Honestly, they were charming and carried unimaginable beauty, as much as I detest flirting, having their digits was obviously the first step to it. However, the more I consciously attempted resisting the temptation, these slay girls won’t allow my admiration to die a natural death.

Against my conscience, many a time I had chased after digits and eventual dated as many they panned out. Like a Being with his veins flowing with oxytocin, I couldn’t choose the way of eunuch and be a celibate. However, virginity was what I dreamt to nurture but this nature won’t let me be. 
Looking at the spotless shining skin, pimple free face, perfect smile and white looking set of teeth. Hush! To look away would be expensive. These ladies can Slay, everyone one of them looked so perfect and blemish free!

How did fate bring them my way? I meant they are too enormous to make a choice from. The farther I went, the assiduous the task, the random I choose, the more gamble I played. “Then, I would have to slow down” I comforted myself, or is there anything wrong with me?
They seem to be aware of my inability to make a choice. Of course, it’s obvious that the tall, fair damsel, I meant the one with the habit of putting on a blue and black mixed attire had to accuse me of being “Insatiable and lack contentment”

Really! If I were satiable then I will be equaling myself to Yaweh. God forbid I do such! Not in my dream will I ever imagine such abomination!
But come to think of it, I am ageing, growing fast into old age. However it is, I have tried, I guess I should give up on love and make up my mind to go with anyone that walks into my life.

Wake up dude! It’s never gonna be possible, they may be easy to win away but they never stoop so Low! You are a man and you must make it happen,I persistently encouraged myself all the way.

Fear grappled me, thanks to Jah, it didn’t cripple me. My heart ran a 400km race each time I considered my priority list, I meant the things I want in that special someone.
To me, if measured side by side with Bolt’s pace, the adrenaline secreted would have given my heart the trophy because no grace could have made Usain win the race.
My heart raced for no reason other than my doubt of finding a woman with my five needs intact with no item missing.

I don’t know for others in my shoes, but for me, it since started at age 19, all I wanted from that woman was those five needs (LOYALTY, BEAUTY,BRAIN,A CAREER AND BIG HEART OF LOVE).

slay girl
WHERE ARE THE PERFECT SLAYERS WHO SLAY EVERYTHING?

Was I foolish? At age 19 looking for that special one?   Maybe I wasn’t because I did find her but her choice to leave when the ovation was high proved otherwise. In capital letters “I WAS WRONG”

Mind made up that,all these are rarely found in one being, especially the scarcity of brain where beauty mostly converged. In rare cases are those five needs of mine coexisting in one person. If at all they are intact what about Loyalty? It fails the test of time where six packs abounds and for a short man like me,Hush! It’s a scarce commodity. Suffice to say, she might give a nod to another man with TDH intact. After all you once attested to how Fantastically corrupt HORMONES can make a human.

Age 22, I had made up my mind to look into the pool, I meant pools, one for the “skinny”, another for the “fats”, one for tall, other for the short and several for black, numerous for Spotless. Just call me a man who knows where the riverbank for “Fish” are when it comes to fishing.
What’s your problem? You are already judging me by my numerous needs? Having those five things in a woman is not much to ask for, after all they call themselves Slay babes!

Back to my allegory. That was how I dated three different ladies within 12 calendar months if not four at age 22. And what was I looking for this time? A life partner who is not just beautiful on the outside but also on the inside,that one I call a perfect slayer who slays everything.

And guess what? I am now 70, unfortunately my mysterious experiences as one looking for a girl who slays in every areas have been greeted with overwhelming frustration fueled with inexhaustible anger which made me jump from one relationship to another with none worthy of being wifed. May be my needs were unrealistic!

Going forward,when searching for her,  don’t make a priority list because you will be disappointed, don’t go for looks because you shall be jilted and don’t deceive yourself to be comfortable with an empty head  slayed with “pancake-foundation, make up” designed face because you will wallow all your life in regret after saying those two magical “I DO” words before the crowd who will wish you a happy married life that is chronically Ironic.

But bro, if you see a “Ugly” Chiamaka with a “beautiful Mind” please never let her go regardless of her look!
Try to understand that a beautiful mind is relative but it’s a destination with diverse road networks. I just hope you construe that! There are lots of slay girls with dry head, blank future pathways, some are destiny usurpers, life drainers and career destroyers.

They can be best described as Sex machines! They can give you different sex styles but they have refused to receive sense. So much that you can be sure of more dooms if you seek for their advice on a dilemma.

Well, let me pause here by concluding with a remark that is enought to drive home my points to my fellow male folks because to whom brain is given, sense is anticipated. “SO DON’T LOOK FOR SLAYERS, THEY TURN TO BE PLAYERS AND YOU END UP BEING A PREYER! SO, LOOK FOR PARTNERS WHO ARE NOT ONLY FACIALLY BEAUTIFUL BUT IDEAS LOADED, THESE ONES ARE CALLED SLAYERS WHO SLAY EVERYTHING BUT ARE RARE TO COMEBY.” WHY? THEY ARE QUEENS WHO DON’T CONTEST WITH HOES!

My name is Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola, till you get to read more relationship uplifting articles from me again, keep walking the MARRIAGE JOURNEY storm free.

Don’t forget to kindly peruse more of my articles via https://maritalpsychologist.wordpress.com/ and follow me on Facebook via Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

YOUR OFFSPRING DESERVE ALL THE LOVE YOUR MARRIAGE CAN GIVE 2 by ezekiel adewale fatomilola

Deborah rarely had time for her kids and wallowed her life in sorrowful thoughts. “May be I should have taken the scholarship that came my way five years ago, at least I would have done something productive to my career” May be by now, I would not have taken such a job in the first place” “Imagine being faced with the stain of dismissal at this early stage.” “Perhaps, I could have married Desmond that year, that very caring guy, in fact his cares were repeatedly shunned despite how he had spoilt me with gifts and I was too blind to see his extraordinary big heart of love. “May be by the time I was giving birth to Demilade, it would have been in Canada as it was when his wife had their first child” “Mthcheew, what a wasteful choice” Her wailing wouldn’t stop, her second child had also wept till she fell asleep on the couch. She hadn’t breastfed her all day.

Of course, as usual Bankole wouldn’t come until mid-night, drunk to stupor. At about the time she will be trying to get some sleep, he would start what would eventually wake neighbors and the whole community up. NagsNag till the wife is woken up and they begin to exchange words till eventually leads to wrestling. This also, is of course a normal trend in the marriage and the kids are used to it. Both Iyunade and Feyisara will cry all night as the Abeokuta born graduate was already in the habit of beating his wife till she bleeds.

One can tell how dissatisfied Deborah is with the marriage, but she dares not file for divorced as the mother had always told her that none has ever occurred in her lineage and she can’t afford such embarrassment.

We can go on and on to narrate the ordeals this uncaring man made the woman and of course the children go through. It was evident someone was playing Deborah’s role outside their marriage. For no reason, he would just come home nagging because his heart cannot love two women at the same time. This had made his fatherly role suffer. He no longer cares for the kids like he used to.

You see, if your spouse stops loving you, it is not because there is someone using “jazz” to get him from you, rather it is because you have not been paying attention to certain things that made you less magical like you have always been. No until you start using the magic wand again, someone who uses it on your man will shut partner’s attention off the marriage you have spent years nurturing.

Let me also set the records straight, you already admit she is better than you if you give her the pleasure of making her know you are aware she is into your man. In fact, it’s a lost battle if you ever confronted her for it. I feel your pulse and sure know your pain. Inability of your man to play his roles is not solely because the other woman is present, I can even bet you don’t know her presence is irrelevant to your marriage’s trying times. Your husband’s distraction is a normal woe or challenge that beset every home, the length to which the wildfire goes will now be determined by how much wisdom you exert in curbing it.

How you handle those distractions will be discussed in another article but for the sake of this discourse, the offsprings are my concern. Let your marriage give them the love they deserve. Fan the fire of your love with wisdom and handle delicate issues wisely. No man can’t be handled when his password is safely kept. It is your marriage not the community marriage, you letting other people’s opinion count will rather cause more hazards than good. For your man’s attention to be divided, you need to understand what you are not getting right or what he is not seeing well. It takes two to tango as much as it also takes two to be in a fight.

Just like in the case of Deborah, she had given the man too much privileges in the past that had made it difficult for him to cope when she lost her job. It can’t be now that their marriage is amid storm that the husband became less caring, that trait must have been in him all along and she must definitely not have been paying attention. His physical abuse must have started as an emotional torture while they were courting if at all they ever had one.

Every child requires to be attended to, they need their father’s 100% attention, as well as their mother’s undivided commitment. Marriage is the basis of their happy living and that must be sacredly watched!

It is important to note that family is the building block of our society. As it is the place where everyone begins life and to which we all belong. The more every member of a family belongs to each other, the more each individual and each family thrive. When rejection occurs in the family, especially between the parents the entire family and especially the children, is in disarray.

The children of couples who reject each other suffer deep emotional painMJ 2, ill health, depression, anxiety, even shortened life span; more drop out of school, less go to universities, they earn less income, they are more addicted to drugs and alcohol, and they engage in increased violence or suffer it within their homes.

Society also suffers with more gangs, more assaults, more violence against women and children, more sexual abuse of women and children, and much bigger bills for jails, increased need for health care, supplemental education, addiction programs, foster care, homelessness programs and on and on. The expansion of all these social program budgets is directly linked to the breakdown in marriage which is caused by somebody giving up on the union she had spent all her life preparing for.

When mothers and fathers belong to each other and strive to belong to God in worship the greatest strengths emerge and the least problems are present. Nags

My name is Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola, till you get to read more relationship uplifting articles from me again, keep walking the MARRIAGE JOURNEY storm free.

Don’t forget to kindly peruse more of my articles via https://maritalpsychologist.wordpress.com/ and follow me on facebook via Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

YOUR OFFSPRINGS DESERVE ALL THE LOVE YOUR MARRIAGE CAN GIVE by ezekiel adewale fatomilola

No matter how beautiful their spouses can be, regardless of how dazzling she appears in outfits and it doesn’t matter what status she occupies in the society, when a man is flooded away in the ocean of infidelity his eyes will be filled with logs and it will be difficult for him to behold the beauty of his wife.

Some men got their women on a platter of gold, some hassles to have these women consent their love proposals, while others on the other hand had their money do the talk all the way. Whichever echelon your own was when you got the heart of your woman thinking only about you, consider not how much blood her heart will bleed but kindly consider how much tears those innocent kids’ eyes will stream when you stop loving her like you have always done and stopped being the caring father you were.

“I hate to see her in those clothes. Despite how much lamentations she had heard me make, she will never listen.” She straps her chest, carry a rough hair and eat like gluttons, work she no get, talkess of leaving the home, all she does is sleep, watch TV from morning till night and chit chat when there is electricity disconnection. If not because of the kids, I would have sent her packing, I can’t Imagine such a lazy woman is my wife, arrghh!” Bankole said lamenting to his colleague as they stepped out of the opened elevator that had brought them to the third level of the sky scrapper that contains their Multinational servicing organization.

Roll back three years from the present, Bankole had trekked the whole of Lagos streets looking for a paid employment but all to no avail. At some point, it was like, all he was made to experience in life was hardship, having worked his ass to finish with a second class lower with many missed classes while he simultaneously took menial jobs to take his credits courses at the State University of Ogun, Nigeria.

One would think his living was the reason poverty was coined as a word as he had graduated and had still continued life where he left it six years ago. Alas! Deborah’s arrival into his life was like a beamed headlamp to a very thick darkness. The covenant University graduate had helped him gain employment in her uncle’s real estate firm where he is serving as a branch manager for one of its regional branches. Life became glowing upon her arrival, as his take home was handsomely paying well and of course very reflective in his lifestyle.shedding tears.jpg2

Fast forward to the present, they are married, how come the sent angel is now a glutton who straps her chest with wrapper watching movies all day? Deborah had recently lost her high paying job to what they called MASSIVE RETRENCHMENT resulting from the economic woes that greeted the country and had forced her employer to axe all departments with what they termed reduction of redundancy as contained in her letter.

She had in the process drifted to depression, for hours she would think and cry and did chores dejectedly. She had remained unkempt for days, with the husband having no understanding what her woman had been facing. Her only consolation was the TV she had to watch all day and slept when no electricity supply. His darling husband’s interpretation however had instead been “LAZINESS” “TOO COMFORTABLE TO THINK” Yet, the insensitive man had no idea he had lost his wife to depression and soon might be making his kids motherless.

TO BE CONTINUED…………

My name is Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola, till you get to read more relationship uplifting articles from me again, keep walking the MARRIAGE JOURNEY storm free.

Don’t forget to kindly peruse more of my articles via https://maritalpsychologist.wordpress.com/ and follow me on facebook via Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola and @Easycare77 via Twitter

 

Dead to love by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

“I understand you don’t have to check on me everyday to make me remember I am loved, however it is important you remind yourself that you have a commitment that must be watered to flourish, else it will die.” “Can I call you back?” The male voice on the other side of the telephone conversation quickly interrupted upon deciphering what Oluchi had to say. Without allowing any feed back from her, he hung up.

dead to Love

Love is  a sacrifice and a choice that must be made. Unfortunately not everyone has come to the understanding that it is also a wisdom that can be gifted if asked. Mind you, not everyone possesses it despite how free for all it is from inception.

We live in a world where it is easy to fall in and out of all love at will. Where there are all kind of scenarios and events people who had been committed and intimately jointed to their spouse suddenly grow out love, cares and affection, when you ask them, they sure have no specific reason to identify.

It’s not much of a burden when you inquire from them, but it propels further questions when you find out what kind of excuse they have and how irrelevant they are to why they are giving a nod to someone else other than their avowed spouse.  In the above allegory of Oluchi and her spouse of 15 years, attempting to find out what really led them to above discussion, you will be marveled!

They have not only been erratically communicating, but also have not had time together like they have always been. She no longer drive or intoxicate him and the natural likeness had been murdered also in the process. Someone else has won his communication prowess and of course that person now has his full dedication, attention and sacrifices. Without the new woman charming him, Oluchi is now a bug, repulse and no amount of time spent with her now worth that which he will enjoy with the new damsel.

If well explored, she must have turned blind eye to built up events that led them there. And may be he has come to realize that their personality are not mutually aligned and this could have doused the natural likeness.

Also we can attribute it to less self development by Oluchi, may be she has stopped developing that area of her life that caught his attention when they met.

For instance, there is this client I had many months back, she chatted me up on her burden and wanted a redress if I could help. Upon detail evaluation of the whole matter, it was discovered that she had stopped being current like she used to be and rarely knows a thing going on in the world other than to gist with friends who add up nothing to her.

With my chat with her, Foluke came to discover that her zeal to information/news  has dwindled overtime and of course this has made her relate to him in a lowly level he had classed her and of course brought about his loss of interest in her. Someone else had come through in the process and had wowed Raymond away, her fiance.

Come to think of it, one can say that is trivia excuse and is more peculiar with un-serious minded fellows. However, I need you to put your thinking cap on and reexamine your stance on the matter. Man is inherently selfish and will always be self guided in every decision he/she makes. Even Martyrs sometimes are faced with options of letting off the hands of others to ensure they have their own feet on the ground.

Sadly, thousands if not millions of unions of such flood our societies now a days. And regrettably, it is more horrifying to hear how these woes are attributed or what causal factor we attribute them to. Some beliefs will claim it has spiritual undertone.

In South western part of Nigeria where I hail from, all you hear them say is, it is a generational curse, it runs in their lineage and other not so concrete excuses. Although, this might not be entirely incorrect but rest assured that if other entangled factors are weeded off, the effect of spiritual sources will be minimized or totally controlled.

Often times, what bedevils most relationships have been there unaddressed from the very first time when the connubial or marriage came into existence.images-2

Can we get this clear? When you love, use your brain. Know when it is over and be ready to take actions, defend your present and future. May be we will still come back to that someday but presently, we need to understand that Love is not brain dis-inhibitant nor a life distortant. Do you really care that the mind and heart should come together?

Don’t be dead to love, live in love, enjoy it and shut every doors where you are milked away.  You need to understand these things I listed below are always missing in every failed relationship.

*Communication

*Natural Likeness

*Self development

*Sacrifice and dedication

*Broken Walls or glass ceilings

*Retreat and reviews

Conclusively, a song says: “All I wanted was something to hold dear,something to hold near to my heart, denied, I’m left with a bitter taste in my mouth and a heart as cold as ice with no warmth in sight hoping for a heart that can feel no pain

Rip this from my chest so I can never find it in myself to love and forgive you
Will my torment ever cease. wishing I could feel nothing, a life dead to love
Free from love, free from emotion and  free from death.

Of course we can go on endlessly analyzing, describing the cause, but will that bridge the gap between the mind and the heart? That’s what I want you to know. LIVE FOR LOVE NOT DEAD FOR IT

Till you get to read more fresh articles from me next week Friday, keep the MARRIAGE JOURNEY storm free with https://maritalpsychologist.wordpress.com

My name remains Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola, the Marital Psychologist.

 

ANOTHER VALENTINE WITHOUT YOU by Fatomilola E.A

THERE IS AN EXTRAORDINARY LOVE IN EVERY ORDINARY LOVE……….
Welcome to this special episode of marriage journey on this Valentine’s Day.
God has you waiting because he doesn’t want you to get hurt, please trust Him, he will send the love of your life.
The pink painted lips muttered, romantically it was like a memorized poem, it kept on echoing in the ears of the listener who was not concerned about seeing the person standing before him, his mind was not where he was, all he could see imaginarily was himself in the love garden, in his thought, he could picture a damsel sitting close to him, talking and gesturing, at intervals, he giggled at some points he would scream, at other point he would jump. This continued even after the person on white robe carrying a file with her lips painted left him.

Right inside drug abuse unit at neuropsychiatric hospital, Aro in Abeokuta. This unit is being housed with patients with drug addicts alongside the mentally disordered ones, in this centre named after Professor Amechi Anumonye is where Usman is being chained with several other people. She was diagnosed of catatonic schizophrenia as a result of deteriorated depressive condition triggered by the loss of a TREASURE’’ as he fondly called her, though she didn’t die neither did she travel but the complication of the story is what the doctors have been dealing with for three years now.
During the clerking session, when depression was first diagnosed, he experienced a low mood with a heart filled with sorrow and regrets, heavy and palpitating it was as he unveils what transpired in his one year experience of love.
Valentina was my high school friend, we were not close as I was more of NFA, but the transportation of destiny by fate from one place to another made it possible we embarked on this compulsory journey of love. Valentina Mbong, was more than a friend, I saw God in her, every time I saw her I felt love but would always told myself love is painful and filled with sorrow,in a way, this made it easy for me to always think less of her but not easy to think less of God, meanwhile wherever there is God she is always there. She led me to God, she changed my life, she changed me from NFA to FFD, from NO FUTURE AMBITION to FUTURE FILLED WITH DREAMS. She was my light, it was difficult for me to live an hour without a word from her, she became my life, she had always told me I have no life that when she stop existing, my life ends, I had always thought she was joking unitl I discover she is my attiude, my opium and I am addicted to her, it was when she departed my life I discovered that there is extraordinary love in every ordinary love, uncontrollable tears gushed out of his eyes as he increased his voice while he outpour his mind to the therapist, a process psychologist call- FREE ASSOCIATION.

On the 30th of June 2013 marked a significant beginning for me,it was a random day like every other day, I was chatting with her, for the whole day, I had clinged to my nokia asha 201 , exchanging messages with her on 2go, I would giggle at one point, pause and think at other point, I was repressing the exact words that came to my mind, it wasn’t obvious to me I was out of this world, I was in trance, my legs were shaking, I had hidden myself in the store with my phone plugged to the socket, distraction came when we were to close, at exactly 20 mins past 11, we arrived at home from shop, lying in my bed, the adventurous journey began, I told her I love her, she loved me but didn’t consent my request, she felt, she would appear cheap if she told me yes on the go, she didn’t know I was intensely in love, as more delay will spark more current in me, God saved her, she said a yes. And so I thought I had bided searching, I refused to be pessimistic, it was the second relationship I was keeping but officially, I must confess, the very first time love will visit me, I didn’t notice my oldself had been swapped for the new man.

Fifteen days after we commenced the mutual journey of love, we agreed to meet, time and distance hadn’t permitted us to set eyes on each other since we signed the pact. It was like butterfly was flying in me when we chose to meet in her room, I was like a new born babe, if you play lotto, you would most likely understand the level of euphoria that ate me up that day, perhaps you are a football manager of Ivory coast and your team is to be crowned the giant of Africa for the first time in many years after many attempt, you will definiteily understand that my ecstasty wasn’t wrong, although bizarre. My mum found it very difficult to believe why I was eager to go to school for the first time even when school is to resume just a week to come, I suddenly appeared to be a serious student all in one night She was bewildered, what has come over you she would asked at interval, every errand she sent me was attended to with much strength and in little time.

Finally we saw, the day after fifteenth day of being together as lovers, though upon getting to school, I was supposed to represent my school,Ahmadu Bello university in an oratory competition at university of Ilorin, but I chose my girlfriend over my talent, public speaking is my dream, but it suddenly changed when Valentina Mbong came to my life, it was very easy for me to tell my faculty L and D coordinator that I wont be able to go to Ilorn with them when he called me that morning, though I was their best speaker, I didn’t know I was just opening the door of greatness for another man, shutting the door of mine, it was nothing to me though, I have always shined before now and after now, I would shine,I assured myself. I thought that if they lost, it wouldn’t speak well of my school’s reputation because the other guy hadn’t prepared but trust the ocean of love I was in that day, I kept flowing like a river and was moving on and thought less of irrational chosen behaviour was.
Getting ready to see my queen, the thought of what to tell my speech master didn’t even make me choose the best of cloth, I hurried to keep to time, I gave her 9am, I didn’t want to start my first date on a bad note, I bought her bread and just exactly 9 o’clock, I was in her hostel, she was staying offcampus, so don’t wonder why I was allowed in at that time. We met at the entrance, she said I should go in that she was going to buy something. In less than ten minutes she returned, we got talking for up to two hours, were there talking gazing at each other, moment later, we started seeing a movie titled A THOUSAND WORD, after which what followed was kissing, right in her room. At that moment, the only preoccupied thought was thank God I didn’t go for that debate. Although what to tell her was one of my fears, it won’t be good to start my love life with irresponsibiliites. There we were for more than an hour, having that thing they call French kiss.
I think I felt love for the first time. I didn’t leave until eight in the evening. We departed on a sad note, her countenance had changed, I thought she didn’t want me to go, until I asked her, hoping she would say, don’t go yet but guess what? She said WE ARE BREAKING UP.
It was like the comedian, Seyi law was speaking through her, it was amusing to me, of course unbelieveable, joke of the century it was.

She didn’t enunciate nor stress it, I saw it as a mere joke. We finally hugged and bided goodnight as I walked to my hall. Getting to my room, I got a call and was told ABU won Unilorin handsdown, and the guy that spoke for my school also won the speaker of the day,he was outstandingly better the voice said. Mtcheeew, who cares I replied. All that appeared significant to me was the expression of love I got from my girlfriend. So, love is as this sweet? I kept imagining someone could fastforward the whole thing to the part where the pastor will say: DO YOU TAKE VALENTINA AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE and I would say YES. As I continued ruminating, sleep came and took me away.

Waking up absurdly, 12noon, I doubt if I ever had such long sleep through out my life, that night was ofcourse unique of all nights. After my devotion, which was ofcourse short, I picked my asha, logged in my 2go account and I saw: LET US RETURN PLATONIC. The only part of the phrase I understood was the “TONIC” I couldn’t decipher the message until I gave the morning call and she said: SHE QUITTED LAST NIGHT.

Instantly all I could feel was pain, a stranger came and took my soul away, like a deadly hurricane, I knew from then that my life would never be the same…. Till now I haven’t changed the past, I can be likened to a flowing river that keeps flowing, hoping for a btter life.

The triggered episode that led to the schizophrenia was the last Valentine’s day Usman had, it left him with question……In one of the days, he was invited to anchor programs was that valentine’s day program he anchored and his ex was brought as a date by his roommate, this led to quarrel. Valentina had worn the gown bought for him by Usman to the party as another man’s date. This triggered anger in him,he became psychotic,he couldn’t manage the stress.

The psychologist has these to say: You could have waited for the one who never comes, you could have met the special one but as you express love today, DO IT WITH THE MIND. Once you lose your mind and in the end it doesn’t worth it you might regret it, do not give your life away, use your brain, do not give your virginity to him, tell him to wait if he truly loves. The scripture says, a little sleep, a little slumber bring poverty. So, its not time to celebrate yet, the end of the journey is just ahead, the moment of jubilation is just days ahead, keep the faith, walk the journey and maintain a non negotiable sanctity in your outing on this valentine’s day.

This article is written for the FFD Nations by Fatomilola E.A dedicated to Adedeji R.O on this 2015 Valentine’s day.

Ahead of the next publication, we implore you to share this link with at least 5 people as we bring to you the next mind blowing article, but BEFORE THEN,READ, LEARN AND like us on FACEBOOK: THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER@ MARITALPSYCH for more write ups

DOING IT WITH THE MIND by Andra Brosh

As a human being you have been given the wonderful gift of thinking.
Your thoughts generally allow you to make decisions, assess situations, and make determinations about you and the world.
Your brain is powerful. It works with your body to initiate and control behavior. It also feeds you the information you take in from your environment, and helps you make sense of it.
You believe what you think the majority
of the time, and your thoughts influence
the perceptions you hold of yourself and
the world.
Your thoughts however can easily turn from friend to foe. In the darker times of life your thinking can become unhelpful and very misdirected. This is because your thoughts influence what you believe, and your beliefs become reality.
For example, if you think that people are rude and mean, than you will believe that the world is an unfriendly and cruel place.
If you think that you are unlovable, than you will believe that no one will ever want you. In other words if you think it than it must be true. You can see how the unique human skill of creating thought can be helpful in daily functioning or to strategize your way through life. However, this capacity can also create unnecessary suffering when you solely depend on your thoughts
for guidance.
So what can you use to balance the top heavy activity going on inside your head?
You can drop down into your heart.

Your heart is your center of intuitive wisdom, and it holds many of the answers your thoughts will never provide.
The head and the heart are often in conflict, but the heart never lies to you in the way that your thoughts can. Your heart is your life force, and it works harmoniously with your whole internal system.
In a more tangible way, you have noticed that the beat of your heart increases when you feel excited or anxious, and that it slows and remains consistent
when you feel calm and safe. In a more metaphoric way, your heart swells when
you become open to others and life, and it closes when you experience a threat or hurt.
Your heart responds to energy so when you’re around people who treat you poorly or disrespectfully, you feel yourself shrinking and becoming depleted of the organic love your heart has to offer. Many of us stay stuck in bad relationships or tolerate being treated horribly because we rationalize the behavior of others with our mind. We “think” our way out of situations by telling ourselves that we are being irrational or too demanding.
The heart screams to get out, but the head asks questions and looks for solutions.
Your heart is a whisper so you have to remain quiet to hear what it has to offer. Your heart cannot be controlled or influenced…it just is. Tapping into your heart is touching base with your
core where the truth of your body communicates to you daily. You were trained to focus on your brain
and your mind and to distrust your body.
Coming back to this heart-centered place of self-trust takes courage and effort. This doesn’t mean that your heart will not misguide you at times.

The heart loves by nature so it isn’t designed to look for the negative or to seek out danger. It searches for the good and the wholesome in everyone including you. It’s a balance. You don’t want your thinking to override your heart, but you don’t want your heart to blind you to reality.
Accessing your heart, and living from this wholesome place is an ongoing practice throughout life. Remember that you are not divided into parts. Your mind, body and spirit all work in synch to create your authentic self.
While you do it with the mind,you just have to let it all work together.

THE HOLYGHOST FILLED AND NAIRA LOADED MAN by Fatomilola E.A

OH LORD ON THIS DAY I PRAY FOR A MAN AFTER YOUR OWN VERY HEART,A MAN TALL,DARK,HANDSOME,N HOLYGHOST FILLED AND NAIRA LOADED AS MY HUSBAND AND FATHER OF MY UNBORN CHILDREN…….

And so Moji Fuwape wished, I guess she hasn’t asked for too much, in fact why she said this prayer is what you should watch out for as you read this special episode of marriage journey by Fatomilola E.A as dedicated to Moyinoluwa Olaimolu, Lana Olakunle and Melody Okoruwa on this day, their birthday February 14 2015.

Time has changed, she knew that the world will never wait for her, I think that’s why she took the future into her hands, she has been praying for years, if meticulously examined, it’s been two years now. She just clocked 27 years last month; she is working with the First Inland Revenue service in Oyo, Oyo state. Many men have asked her out several times, she has turned deaf ears to them all, what she told them was, she was still at the altar of prayer and as soon as she hears anything, she would let them know.

Hypocritically of her, she is in a pseudo relationship; a part of her was attached to Abraham, and a part telling her that he is a time waster and destiny delayer. She wouldn’t easily agree to her conscience, whenever she is about giving up on him, that is when he would keep in touch. Come to think of it, you would have also thought exactly how she reasoned, she has been sponsoring him financially through their undergraduate days, and considering the fact that he was a year ahead of her when they were in school was enough to convince her that he might dump her. Could this be that love that mum used to warn me about? Moji would always think and got consoled with HOW WOULD I KNOW IF I REALLY MEAN WHAT HE SAYS. Yet what my mum said to be careful when anybody come to say I love you is also not totally not useful.

The statistics graduate will always arrive at crossroad every time she wished to move on, yet the Geographer always spatially attaches himself. Of course, this was the man who stood by her when she ran into the mess she had in her ugly past, this was the man who assured her all would be well when it all seemed life had ended for her and this same man knows everything about her. Yet the emotional moment shared with him would always make it impossible to move on, she had kissed Abraham, romanced but not had sexed with him. She loves her, and if asked she would proudly say: I love to marry him. But where the holy ghost filled and naira loaded wish will come from, aside this Satan embodied and poverty stricken guy called Abaraham is still a source of concern to bystanders who have always watched Mojisola Fuwape pray deceitfully.

The youth summit forthcoming on the 14th of February will mark exactly three months and four days that Abraham last called, no to even talk of when last they saw, she was preoccupied with the thought of who to invite for the forthcoming youth summit that will be held in her church at home……
Right on her bed she scrolled through her contact list, Bayo, mthceeew no, Akin…..Hmmm, no, Godfrey, she chuckled God forbid, that bastard, Banji, she lost count and could not settle for one person, she had bad experience with all of them. She returned back to Abaraham, maybe I should give him a trial? She kept muttering till she slept off on the couch she sat.

The next day was the Valentine’s day, she settled for no one, she got up and headed to the wardrobe, took the red gown and the white high heel shoe and took the exit for the bathroom, in less than fifteen minutes, she was through, she picked her phone, she had missed two calls, on checking it, it was Abraham, she hissed and dropped the phone in the purse. She stopped a bike, ascended and off she went to church. While she was paying the transport fare, her phone beeped ‘PONG PONG PONG PONG’’. Checking the message as she went inside the church it was Abraham saying happy Valentine ’s Day and making a request, in the request he had said can we meet at A-three hotel?

In the course of the Special valentine youth summit, she had said her conventional prayer, God on this day I pray against timer waster, destiny destroyer and glory denial agent as I want you to send me that man who is tall, dark, handsome, holyghost filled and nairaloaded. Meanwhile the pastor invited had also preached on Hebrew 13:4 that talks about Marriage being honourable in all and the bed undefiled but whoremonger and adulterer God shall judge.

The schematic chain of the sermon as preached still appeared fresh in her memory and echoic after the service, just after the grace was shared, it was like Abaraham was in that auditorium, and he called and reminded her of his request. Why that venue she enquired, because today is valentine he responded. She dropped the call and hissed. As he stepped outside, she saw Sister Grace and Ebun, both of them were heading to the same venue where Abaraham invited Moji to, there was a bash going on there, but as soon as she got to know they were going, she changed her mind and decided to follow them and seized the opportunity to see Abraham she hasn’t seen for months. On getting there, she sent him a text and told him she was with her friends at the bar close to the swimming pool.
Just immediately he read the text, he gave a call and they met, headed to room 085, where he had booked earlier. They talked for about thirty minutes; Abraham ‘‘thing’’ had been announcing to him that HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY. He would stylishly bend it, push it in and when it became unbearable he moved further, she resisted him, he cajoled her, she persisted, he further sweet mouthed her, but how vulnerable she had been, she still loves him and this time, she became emotional, he brought out the thing that has been announcing itself and gave it to her to behold, which she held and just about when they were to start work, she started weeping and the rest is story.

Abraham had the intention of proposing marriage to his 10 years old friend, as a matter of fact, it has been 8 years that both of them have been keeping the bed defiled, despite what the man of God preached, she still found herself in her old way. The sorry and regrettable part was when Abraham said, he would have proposed to her peradventure she didn’t come to the hotel.

I was thinking of coming to your house around 7 this evening with some of my friends to bring to past your long time dreamt marriage proposal, but its rather sad that three months haven’t effected any change on you, you are still as raw as I left you.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST HAS THIS TO SAY: It’s better to chase a moving train that one can see than chase the wind you can’t behold. Mojisola was chasing the wind and turned deaf ears to wisdom that had been crying in a large voice to her. She had a dream bigger than her; she wanted to reap where she hadn’t sown. She thought marriage is magic that just come without being worked for, she ate her cake and still wanted to have it……Its not news that today many virginity will become obituary, it’s not stunning that some will depart the world today because they want sugar instead of sucrose, many’s destiny will be yanked off today because its valentine’s day and of course the holy ghost sisters will have a taste of what fun is today, many of them will be filled with the plan their prime enemy, Lucifer had set before them.
Hello sister, how market? You have always wanted that man that is more than perfect, that brother that is tall, dark and handsome, that brother whose parents are Dangote or Dangote relatives, that brother who is holyghost filled and nairaloaded. Don’t worry, keep waiting, your friends wards will soon invite you to their convocation that is when you will know you have handicapped yourself all along, you want someone perfect but you are far from it, you need an egalitarian union but you are filled with mistakes and your life is pitiable. Is it rather good you watch yourself towards utopia than expect a man that has arrived?
How far sister Freedom? Every day is bonus, sex is free as much as one has the HORSEWHIP, you get whipped everyday and you have refused to retire, you too always dream of great wedding, elaborate reception and unforgettable introduction, and yet you have distributed all that should be treasured without collecting a dim. See how generous you have been, you haven’t only sold your birthright, you have also registered your death while you live. On the street, you have become a laughing stock all because you are too cheap to get, anything that look like a man and has the THING is allowed. Just wait; you will soon understand that you are a dead woman walking.
And finally, I have also some word for you, “the actor wey no dey die for film” the most difficult to get sister, you will soon see your parents placed your picture on OLX, by then you will realize what Ecclesiates 3 says.
To the men, First Corinthians 7 addresses more of why you must be remain VIRGIN till you marry, if you claim you love her, she is not suya that you must taste before you appreciate God in her. Kindly read first Corinthians chapter 13 from beginning till the end to understand how selfish and heartless you have been. Hebrew 13 verse 4 to 6. And till you meet the bone of your bone as Gen 2:23 says, Fatomilola Ezekiel Adewale wishes you success and death free marital journey!

Ahead of the next publication, we implore you to share this link with at least 5 people as we bring to you BEFORE THEN,READ, LEARN AND then you can like us on FACEBOOK: THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER@ MARITALPSYCH for more write ups

THE DEATH BETWEEN HER LAPS by Fatomilola E.A

THE LAPS LEAD TO A JOURNEY OF NO RETURN WHERE IN BETWEEN IS THE SHADOW OF DEATH FOR THOSE WITHOUT A SIGN OF IMMUNITY CALLED MARRIAGE OATH; THOSE WITHOUT THIS COVERING WILL EXPERIENCE THE DEATH BETWEEN HER LAPS! This article is dedicated to Fatomilola Moses Oluwafemi as written by Fatomilola E.A

On his way to lagos, Uche boarded a commercial bus going to Oshodi, he sat at the second row in the long urvan bus, I hope you will drop me under the bridge he told the bus driver who collected a thousand naira from him and gave him two hundred naira note, it was just his seat that was vacant, after putting his luggage into the bus. The bus driver got in and zoomed off, after 20 minutes drive, the bus arrived in a filling station close to the toll gate, although different thoughts had been running through Uche’s mind, it has been a boring 20 minutes for him in the cause of the journey, instantly a crude idea ran through his mind, he decided to give this conceived idea a shot and almost immediately after punching his bold 4 blackberry phone, he stretched it to Amarachi, a total stranger he hadn’t spoken through all his life, Amarachi whose ears were plugged didn’t know what the phone was meant for, she asked by saying WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Uche said I have got a message for you in the phone just check it out.
Submissively, she collected the phone that contains the message that reads: DO YOU MIND KEEPING MY COMPANY AS WE EMABARK ON THIS JOURNEY? IF YES, TYPE IN YOUR BB PIN OR WHATSAPP PHONE NUMBER. After five minutes she returned it to Uche, during this period, the bus had zoomed out of the filling station; off it went en route Lagos-Ibadan express road. Uche was laughing and smiling at every interval, one would have wondered what’s up with him, but the 200 level student of Joseph Ayo Babalola University is not new to this approach of catching what he always refers to as SEX machine. Within an hour drive, the bus arrived at Berger, she alighted and off she went, almost instantaneously Uche kept chuckling, I guess he was surprised because he thought he would meet brick wall on his way.

Just two days after this journey to lagos, Uche returned to Oyo, where he schools, he had invited Amarachi over, she came with the guise of coming to check his school out, she told him bluntly she isn’t coming because she is a plaything or too cheap but rather she finds pleasure travelling. Within two hours of her arrival, he invited her to his room, he stays off campus and getting to his room made her blank and caught her off guard, many things began to run through her mind. Uche gave her a cup and a chilled drink, having undergone that heat weather, she became relaxed with the cool, ac conditioned room; he switched on the television set and tuned it to his most watched station. Increased the volume and seductively it became for Amarachi with the celedion’s music going down at the background.

The show began as Uche moved closer and started the massage work, his man thing had been turned on, only an impotent won’t be moved by the skimpy seductive outfit the visitor came with, I guess the 19 year old law student was aware that his intention would succeed, of course they were both sitting on the bed, the match began and off he went through her lap, within two hours, he had netted four times, after this match duration the final whistle was blown as Uche could not surmount the hilly mountain further, he was worn out.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST HAS THIS TO SAY: Random sex partnerships have come to stay, the emergence of social media is believed to have done more harm than good, meanwhile such statement is arguable because the media gives the people what they want and not violating societal values as widely claim. To get these sexual partners has become extremely easily than before, the advent of technology has simplified access to casual sex and multiple sexual intercourse has become a very easy thing, many websites today have been dedicated to this immoral act. You don’t need to visit these sites before you get a message from them, you just suddenly see a popped up message saying that you have an unread message, upon opening it, it requests for info such as location, email and so on. In less than a minute of supplying the info, the next you see is a random message from a random person telling you he/she loves you, where do you stay and what your phone number is, so that you both can see, and guess what the drive of the meeting is? THE DEATH BETWEEN HER LAPS!

In case you don’t know, there are spiritual, physical and psychological implications of having multiple sex partner and those who venture into this have severe cost to pay. To start with, the spiritual implication comes with the wrath of God; breaking hymen in intercourse is making covenant, spiritual explanation of sex overtime says, exchange of burden by sexual partners is one of the unbearable pains promiscuity offers. In those days, in Yoruba land, infidelity is confirm through thunderbolt known as “MAGUN” this grave consequence of having extramarital or premarital affair is death. And this comes in between her LAPS.
The physical implication can be divided into two (Biological and physical). Biological contains settling for unwanted pregnancy or encountering terminal disease such as cervical cancer or hiv/aids, these have accounted for many people’s death over the years. Many ladies have died through getting pregnant prematurely while others lavish on the society children that they don’t have resources to cater for and make these children handicapped through hardship they get subjected to.
Physically this death can be gotten through loss of weight due to this addiction to sex. Someone like Uche cannot do without having sex with anything that appears like a she, finds can go extra mile by making sure this gratification is satisfied. Another example of this death that is recorded through these strange ladies’ laps is marital dissolution. Many marriages have collapsed based on infidelity, some have left the home unstable and dissatisfaction have set into some families based on five minutes enjoyment derived outside the homes.
The psychological implication of multiple sexual partnerships is depression, schizophrenia, and sexual disorders. A person who gets diagnosed of hiv/aids will get depressed if he gets to know that his strange partner is a carrier of this disease and he has gotten this disease through her, it may even deteriorate to schizophrenia and death if not managed.
Then I ask, why render yourself martially handicapped, why populate the world with unwanted children you can’t even cater for, why endanger your life and why subject yourself to eternal doom all because of five minutes enjoyment? Why not develop a habit of discipline today when it is not late for you to stop this menace, why not consult a therapist today when you know you can’t help yourself anymore?
Dear readers, in case you are about picking up another dose of death that lies between the laps of that free sex you have been offered, why not choose life instead of death? The scripture says: Jesus is the way, the truth and the life; no one comes through the father except through him. Fatomilola Ezekiel Adewale says GOD LOVES YOU.

This article is dedicated to FATOMILOLA MOSES OLUWAFEMI…………READ, LEARN AND SHARE AS WE ANTICIPATE the next mind blowing write up of the MARRIAGE JOURNEY. Before then you can like us on face book at: THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR follow on twitter on: Maritalpsych

DIFFERENT PERSONALITY UINIFORM GOAL by Fatomilola E.A

The saying goes: SOW A THOUGHT, REAP AN ACT, SOW AN ACT, REAP A HABIT, SOW A HABIT REAP A CHARACTER AND SOW A CHARACTER REAP A DESTINY.
Is this my fate? Is this where I am meant to be, is this what I have longed for? Could this be the man I prayed for and how long can I bear this hardship?
Thoughts recurring and overflowing through Nkem’s mind, she seemed to be preoccupied with regrets, yet the genesis of her thought still appears unknown, elsewhere a thick hoarse voice has been calling on her for minutes. Finally after a bang on the door she stood up, opened the door and gave him a hug, a peck she received and immediately she removed his suit. A ritual she has performed for the past 10 years of her life. They both headed for the exit as he went to the dinning, she had served one person’s meal instead of two people, after she left the wardrobe, she headed for the living room, meanwhile he was there staring at the black looking wheat in the cooler and the soup in the dish with the fried meat in a plate.
Again the voice shouting: Nkem! Nkem!!Nkem!!! I am not hungry she said coming out of the living room, the food is all yours. He appeared insensitive, he washed his hands and set to demolish the mountain in the cooler, he started the feast in less than ten minutes he had finished the big wrap of wheat and the meats were also consumed.
It was time for the family altar, she was back in the living, and he had to shout on her again to invite her to the sitting room where the altar was observed. She acted what he wanted and as they bided goodnight to each other. She was left with no option than to start crying, she thought throughout the night, at 4:30 am, it was time to perform her customary role as the wife of the house, time to cook the breakfast and get set for the day, first of all, she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and as she took her brush, skipped her heart, excessive pump of blood as the adrenaline was gushed, she became nervous, scared and didn’t know when the toothpaste dropped unconsciously from her, she attempted picking it, it was then she came back to her senses and it was like Ivan Pavlov Dog-Tray- Salivation laboratory classical conditioning. She has been conditioned to developing fear whenever she is to use toothpaste.
She left the bathroom without brushing, she could not continue with the early morning ritual she had performed for the past 5 years of her life.
It was evident she had been driven to the tangent, there was obviously a burden she couldn’t bear further, yet it’s like a message of death the king has sent her, she can’t reject neither can she deliver. Everything seemed over, there is nothing she hasn’t thought of, she had thought of taking her life, she thought of the young handsome looking Samuel who offered her a hand when she couldn’t move her things that fortunate Friday afternoon during her arrival at the nysc camp, she can’t easily forget the memory of how caring he was when she had one of her asthmatic attacks in the camps, her memory has not become impaired for her to easily forget how much time this guy spent in showing her how much he cared, how she came to like her, how she fell in love, how they became lovers and how this vacuum came into existence no one can explain, probably I was deceived by ephemeral things that were attractive, I am just going to fight back, she said thinking aloud, I will win my man back she assured herself.
The dawn of a new day came with a new trouble, Nkem!!! The soldier man has come again, he is here with his terrible way of handling issues, he is just never calm, Nkem!! The voice kept chanting the beautiful damsel’s name like a conductor will call passenger into an empty vehicle, Nkem!!! Finally she appeared at the scene, what have I done this time she said autocratically, it was like a battle line was drawn, she was ready to give him hot, if he brings it hot. How many times will I tell you not to press this toothpaste from the middle? Haven’t I warned you of wastage it is to press toothpaste from the middle, he kept shouting till he left her presence and headed to the bathroom where he brushed his teeth and even as he went, he never stopped nagging.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST HAS THIS TO SAY: Most of us are allured by the attractive notion that effortless relationships exists. We always believe that our most intimate relationships are unconditional and strong enough to withstand whatever may come. May I suggest before we proceed that whether you are looking to improve a love relationship, familial relationship friendship or marriage, you need to take time to understand how you feel in certain situation and how the person also act in certain situation, which will allow better understanding and communication. Conglomeration of many traits make up a personality and personality is an enduring set of traits that is seen across all situations. It’s not only absurd but also insane when we expect our ways of dealing with people to make them change in one night. It’s not stunning to psychologist but rather foolish to men outside this personality assessment field to imagine, I will change my wife, she will be a Christian and share the same religion with me, forgetting that such a lady has spent the last years of her life being exposed to the other religion. Before we continue, be told that no man can change the other person’s personality, except it’s a miracle because my personality is what makes me who I am, and it affects my behavioural, cognitive and every areas of my life.
To shed more light on this, personality is a unique set of characteristics that is seen across situations. Altruism is a trait and a central trait as a matter of fact in Mother Theresa. What makes Adolf Hitler who he was, was his enduring personality characteristics, he was charismatic, dictatorial and feared. Personality is not an island of its own, it is patterned in line with your belief, your upbringing and your experiences in life.
John Grohol said relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum; it exists between two emotional beings that bring their own past experiences, history and expectations into it. Inferring from that, I believe that two lovers are different people with different level of thinking and can communicate their ideas differently. In extension of this to Nkem and Samuel’s case above, these people are products of two different backgrounds; they may share the same religion but definitely have been exposed to this separately.
Most times we are attracted to people who are different from us in the way we deal with the world and we are mostly attracted to those who have similar focus with us. Nkem was raised in the family that is wealthier than Samuel, in her family toothpaste can be pressed anyhow but Samuel however came from a low wealthy family, he was exposed to pressing toothpaste from beneath and most likely he must have learnt how to react aggressively to this “ECONOMIC WASTAGE”. He found it intolerant because he was raised not to tolerate wastage, she has zero tolerance for his ill dominance because she was raised in an autonomous family, where you can do what you like at all time.
Relationship shows a definite pattern which indicates that successful mates often share the same dominant function, of which Nkem and Samuel lacked. Two individuals of any type who are well developed and balanced can communicate effectively and make a relationship work when they share the same information gathering preference, this also, the couple lacked.
Finally, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says two are better than one because they have a good return in their work, if one falls the friend can help him up, but a pity to the man who falls and no one helps him up. The final word of Samuel after the conflict was: GOOD WIFE WHO CAN FIND, I DID. Because he lacked agreeable traits, but she has an enduring and persevering trait, this wasn’t disastrous for him because he married his friend; he was helped up when he fell. She took her time to understand how to deal with him, although it wasn’t easy for her but she definitely made him go on his knees and repent from his ugly way, simply because they were friends for fifteen years, courted for five years and though he wasn’t sensitive, she was caring and observant.
When the ship is down, only your friend can bring you up. You can’t see a perfect man because the scripture says no one is perfect. So don’t go for looks they can deceive, go for that woman that will see the best in you and help you utilize the little strength to correct the ugly part of your life.
Ahead of the next publication, we implore you to share this link with at least 5 people as we bring to you THE UNTOLD STORY OF SEX LIFE. BEFORE THEN,READ, LEARN AND then you can like us on FACEBOOK: THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER@ MARITALPSYCH for more write ups

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IS LIKE A 4G WIRELESS by Fatomilola E.A

No matter how strong and keenly in love lovers can be, they will remain unmoved if distance hasn’t set them apart, they remain closely knitted when discrepancy hasn’t come in, what we call love can stand the test of time when effective communication is maintained and sustained. Welcome to this episode of Marriage journey with Fatomilola Ezekiel Adewale.

Relationship everywhere in the world begins and end on an act of communication, just a HI can begin a relationship and failure to say Hi too can make it sour, instances have been where two foes ended up being lovers, couple and parents. Let’s journey through Omowumi and Odion’s experience of
love matter.

Odion is a product of broken home as well less privileged, fortunately for him, his vibrant communicative skill brought him in contact with Omowumi, whose parents are wealthy, educated and are genuine Christians. In the sojourn of coming across each other daily while they took the same path to Dugbe, where Omowumi’s tutorial centre was, Odion was always on the same path to his mother’s shop where she sells plastic at Dugbe Alawo to be precise, area of Ibadan, Oyo state, Nigeria. One day, he mustered up courage, he approached her and tried stopping her, of course ladies are fond of being difficult to get, this she exhibited by not even giving him face, but Odion who knew she would do that to esteem herself and pride over her unique beauty, said: I came to say HI and to make the creature of the damsel know, He has done a good job for putting a smile on my face through the presence of the queen, the queen has also done something great by maintaining this unique beauty with the way she dresses and carries herself, do have a productive day, he said and returned
Definitely, she heard all he said, he didn’t want any comment either because he knows, nothing good comes easy, the day after, he took his leave from being seen when he saw her coming, he hid himself far off and watched, she passed by as usual but Odion was working out the plan best known to him, and finally the D day came and this time, he took a greater step further.
I am Odion Benjamin, an admission seeker, a product of Dugbe and an admirer of you, but I am sure you are beautiful in character as your face is, so this assures me, you will allow me, know a little thing about you, I think you are in a haste but I would be glad if you give me your bb pin, whatsapp line or any other social media address of reaching you, immediately she requested for his phone and typed in the eight digit bbm pin. He took a bow in showing respect for her kind gesture and she told him her name and they departed.
Months later, the usual guy-lady adventure began, it was August 27,Odion had written Obafemi Awolowo university’s post utme and he had been dealt a blow, he wrote Ibadan polytechnic post utme also but he passed and yet till august 27th when Omowumi came to inform him of her admission success, he was still seeking for admission.
After a month of her departure from Ibadan to Ekiti state university, he kept on calling but guess what, she rarely picked up, he would send message instead, and sometimes drop a voice note for her on whatsapp, yet all availed to nothing, gradually the love dissipated and they became strangers again, yet none of them really could explain what happened to their union, I am sure you don’t even know how they started probably you would have guessed where they got it wrong.
November 8 2011, Odion set for Benin to write post utme, he applied to study petroleum engineering, yet, this guy still preciously carry the memory of his queen. Probably that spurred his outstanding performance as he scored 82 over 100. He didn’t stop sending message to her but she would never acknowledge any of these and the message would always tick twice, meaning she has seen and read it. I guess she is busy, Odion always concluded and reasoned with her.
December 3rd 2011, Odion became a full fledge student of University of Benin, he has been offered mathematics instead of pet engineering he put in for. During the clearance, he was temporarily lodging in hall 4, the craziest hall in uniben, a male hostel to be precise, he woke up to use the toilet, he saw guys flooded everywhere making night calls, he chose to attempt calling her for the first time late in the night and the next thing he saw was, CALL WAITING. Wao! He said as he heaved a sigh of relief.
Hello the sonorous voice replied, how have you been my queen, he said, his voice was not firm, it was conspicuous he had missed her. How are you, how is Unad? fine, how is everyone at home she inquired too, they should be fine Odion responded, why did you say that Omowumi replied astonishly. As I speak, I am a student of mathematics and statistics department, university of Benin, suddenly, the young lady screamed for joy, ecstatic that the boyfriend finally made it, how did you do it, he said it thrice. She was flabbergasted, that was my father’s dream school she said, I had also attempted going there two times and it all hit the rock.
I am happy that my fiancé has broken the record. Congratulations she said. And don’t be carried away by the sisters oooo, mind your business and face what you have gone there to do, she advised, he chuckled and reminded her of how the fear she had a year ago had befallen them. You got carried away after you secured admission, you left my emotion impaired, you rendered me helpless and up till now, I still nurse the injury inflicted in my heart by your absence, you made me vulnerable to social vices on the street, Ifeoma had an affair with me when you left, she was always calling, sending text message and in two days in a week, at least visited me. I didn’t ask her out but one of those days, we kissed. It was the day she invited me to her place, we saw a movie together and became vulnerable to resist her attractive body shapes, I wasn’t easily lured but remembering your distance for six months made me more psychologically imbalanced.
Although I got back my senses after the kiss, but she hadn’t stop communicating with me, she helped me financially, she gave me the money I used for my acceptance fee and as matter of fact, despite the fact that she is in Ibadan, I am in Benin, she has called me more than 10 times just within three days of my departure from IB. I loved you sincerely but you stabbed my heart and a foe came to heal up the injury, I still love you but will you forgive me for falling into this mess?
It was an emotional moment for both of them, she started crying, so also him, none could stop the other, trust guys, and it was very difficult but had to stop crying and asked her: Can we start all over again? Instead she replied by asking: CAN I VISIT YOU IN BENIN WHEN YOU GUYS FULLY RESUMES IN JANUARY?
THE PSYCHOLOGIST HAS THIS TO SAY: John Grohol said relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum; it exists between two emotional beings that bring their own past experiences, history and expectations into it. He further said that two lovers are different people with different level of skills when it comes to communication and can’t be both better in this skill because communication is a skill that can be learned.
One thing is pertinent to know about a successful relationship, the partners have effective ways of communicating with each other, as there is no utopia relationship anywhere. Effective communication is like a 4G wireless service when it involves partners who listen to each other, when partners can be opened and honest, pay attention to non verbal signals, stay focus when they are in and out of touch, minimize emotions when talking about important discourse or making big decisions, be ready to cede an argument, and get involved in everyday communication which is not only limited it to calls or verbal interaction.
Applying the above suggestive process of effective communication to Omowumi and Odion’s case, it’s problematic whenever one hand lifts a relationship and the other hand is idle, it makes such relationship impaired than being balanced. Too much disagreement or argument threatens effective communication as it may silence the other person vulnerable to this in the relationship. Since these two people had different upbringing and came from different background, it is better when the guilty person accept blames and doesn’t argue than engage in argument and set the whole union on fire.
Our relationship is not based on what we say sometimes but how we say them, non verbal communication like body language, tone of voice, eye contact and so on can sour or sweeten any relationship. For example lack of eye contact with a person may mean you are not interested in them.
Staying focused when we are near and far off is important because distance set us apart and when we maintain a close relationship with them regardless of the obvious physical distance, we would still remain on top our game.
And finally, nobody is a perfect communicator but you can work to become better by trying hard and developing your weakness, this will encourage your partner to improve and come along for a ride.
Someone once said that the past is a place to visit and not a place to stay, so don’t dwell on your ugly past, but rather work on your present challenges to give the future a beautiful outlook. I wish you success in your marital journey!
AS we anticipate the next article titled DIFFERENT PERSONALITY UINIFORM GOAL, READ, LEARN AND SHARE. Before then you can like us on FACEBOOK: THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER@ MARITALPSYCH for more write ups

JEALOUSY IS LOVE IN EXPRESSION by Fatomilola E.A

WHEN HE CHASES YOU, HE ISN’T AN ATTENTION SEEKER, WHEN SHE CALLS YOU ALL THE TIME, SHE ISN’T LOVE STARVED, AND WHEN THEY ARE AFRAID TO LOSE YOU, IT’S NOT THEY ARE INSECURE, THEY ARE JUST JEALOUS TO LOSE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SCARCE THAN DIAMOND. WELCOME TO THIS EPISODE OF MARRIAGE JOURNEY BY FATOMILOLA EZEKIEL ADEWALE.

Love is an emotion, caused by the release of oxytocin through the posterior pituitary gland and this hormone acts as neuromodulator in the brain. Enough of biology, LOVE is uniquely expressed by different human being but an act expressed by all creatures, the most widely used expression of love is JEALOUSY, almost expressed by every creature on the surface of the earth and even among the animals, but before we draw a conclusion, let us go through Gibson and Damilola’s story.
If I do not love him, I shouldn’t be here today, Damilola, a Nigerian-American talks to the psychologist during one of her clerking sessions. Imagine he says he loves me, but only calls once in a day, I can text him like four times in a day but he always shied away from this painful thing by saying he isn’t a good caller, neither a good text message sender, he failed to understand that we get stronger and better through effective communication. There is no book of love I came across addressing this that I haven’t bought for him and recently I insisted we go to a friend’s birthday together, in the bid to get closer to him, but guess what? He rather got worse than being better and the truth I must tell you is, HE LOVES ME but makes life hard for me to move on every time I tried. The party started with a dance, ofcourse people dance in twos, and at the extreme corner of the stage, my boyfriend was asked to dance by Oyinkansola, who is currently serving where that my friend having her birthday serves as a youth corper, she is from a more wealthy family and a far better dancer, this I must say,was unbearable for me as I became intensely jealous. What can I do Doctor, she submitted.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST HAS THIS TO SAY: In all honesty, is jealousy a natural phenomenon? Is it wired in our brain? Is a little of it helpful or is it intoxicating? Do I hear someone say yes it is a natural phenomenon? I think jealousy is caused by insecurity and insecurity is caused by loss of attachment and this may not necessarily be genetic but instead learnt. It is hazardous to test run relationships, it’s more emotionally vulnerable for one to jump in and out of relationship, and of course for some people, it is circumstantial. Damilola’s case is treatable and can be likened to many individuals on the surface of the earth who are fond of trial and error which has always birthed them heart aches, heartbreaks and depression. To start with, everyone is an attention seeking being except the “EMOTIONALLY IMAPAIRED ONES”. These are the people who don’t feel anything called love, such people’s hypothalamus, the posterior pituitary gland to be specific do not secrete Vasopressin or oxytocin and they won’t feel attached no matter how much you try. Such a person could have been born with it or grow into it by less caring parents or guardians who made them developed a sense of mistrust while they were growing up and developed isolation instead of identifying with a soul they love, some of them are carefree, they say I DON’T MISS ANYONE AND I CAN NEVER FALL IN LOVE, it is not their fault neither is it your fault when you fall in love with them, but the psychologist says, they can be conditioned to love and they can make love their comfort zone only if they are helped.
Jealousy is an act of love in expression but rather the fear of losing a lovely esteemed being. It’s a double edged weapon of bonding that has been misused overtime; it has done more harm than good because of its abnormal use. We can liken its usage to a well sharpened knife being held by a six month old child, the fact that it left the child impaired doesn’t mean its hazardous and shouldn’t be used, its rather hazardous for the child because he doesn’t know how to use it, when and what to use it for are also ignorant to him. Jealousy is one of the systematic processes that can be used to bring Gibson back, but before it can be used, Gibson has to be vulnerable to feelings, he needs to be taught that Damilola needs his attention and he also needs to develop need for her attention,in other words, he needs to be programmed to feel what she feels and he needs to feel a sense of belonging towards her, he needs to be conditioned towards respecting her feeling as well as others feeling.
One thing is sure, it will take time, efforts and other resources but one can be rest assured that it will pay off. Meanwhile for the time being, Damilola needs to acknowledge the fact that, that is the way he has been made and only her can help him because the decision for both of them to be in such relationship is the first step towards him being helped. And to help him, this expression of love from him, though too small can be tamed and enlarged. Meanwhile, it could even be that, Damilola herself needs help, it could be that, she has been the one making him focus on others by misconstruing his relationships with others and having a negative thinking syndrome instead of her seeing good in every wrong he does. It could be that her sense of insecurity has always scared him and this is why it is hazardous for jealousy to be used, but I recommend whoever is in Damilola’s shoes to consult a relationship therapist who could utilize the strength of showing true love. One thing that must be born in mind is that jealousy is like a life wire, when held barely naked, it can kill but if cover with insulation and the insulated part is held, then no cause for alarm. Therefore, Gibson needs to grow into love before she can utilize jealousy as a weapon and of course this can’t be done by Damilola’s own intuition, if she is guided by a professional, she will definitely make something good out of it. One truth to know is jealousy drives off the person you are trying to keep and that is when jealousy is fashioned in an unhealthy way
TO this end, it is pertinent we take cognizance of the following
If you have strong problems with either being jealous or being a target of jealousy, I strongly recommend you seek out a good therapist or counselor, who can coach you into better, healthy self love and a more productive way of going about love relationships.
IF you have someone you love who is in Damilola’s position, you really need to help her and ofcourse,before you can help you need to make her seek for the help because a child can’t be easily carried if his hands are not stretched.
This can be done by Dami confessing her weakness, she has to admit she feels insecure and she has a low self esteem, meanwhile, as she does that you don’t make fun of her, you have to respect her feelings, you reestablish the trust between you by reassuring her of your love for her, you give her reasons to be happy when you are not with her, and of course you don’t starve her feelings when you are far off.
I hereby submit that Jealousy is Love in expression if appropriately used under the necessary terms and conditions applied to it.
AS we anticipate the next article titled EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IS LIKE A 4G WIRELESS, READ, LEARN AND SHARE AS WE ANTICIPATE. Before then you can visit maritalpsychologist.wordpress.com , like us on FACEBOOK: THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER@ MARITALPSYCH for more write ups
AS YOU GO THROUGH THE MARRIAGE JOURNEY, WE SHALL SEE NEXT WEEK, TILL THEN I REMAIN YOUR MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST IN VIEW!

A wise bride builds her home by ELIZABETH BADEJO

The election fever is in the air and the state of the economy is not in any way going to favour many partners planning their dream wedding this year.

You will certainly be spending much more than your wedding budget can accommodate due to the current state of Nigerian economy.

From booking of wedding venues to food, wedding dresses, ‘aso ebi’ and all other wedding details, the sudden increase in bridal goods and services will adversely affect your wedding budget.

You may have to make stringent adjustments in your plans if you must have your dream wedding this year; alternatively, focus on setting up your dream home rather than having an unnecessarily expensive wedding.

Love is not enough

Love is not an enough reason to walk your spouse down the aisle; even if it gets you to the altar, it is not likely going to sustain you when reality sets in.

There is a great misconception that it is the role of the bride to plan her dream wedding while her groom concentrates on setting up the home.

But if my guess is as good as yours, we know that brides often get too wrapped up with the wedding details while their homes are left in the hands of their partners.

I strongly believe that marriage is a partnership and you should be prepared to spend your time, efforts and resources to set up your home together.

Shared responsibility

The traditional wedding arrangement is gradually fading away among couples of today; nevertheless, the role of a man as the head of the family cannot be over-emphasised.

One of the most contentious topics you need to discuss is how to share responsibility in your home.

It is also important to take note during your discussions so that you can both understand the value of shared responsibility.

Engage your spouse in the details of the wedding plan and be sure that his advice will be valuable especially where you need it most.

A wise woman builds her home

A dream wedding must be complemented with a dream home; after all, when all your guests say goodbye, your home is your final destination.

A wise woman, they say, builds her home. A woman who is prepared to build her home would certainly be a helpmate to her spouse before and after she says ‘I DO.’

If you spend all your money on making your ‘big day’ beautiful and leave your spouse to take responsibility for the home alone without assisting, you may be disappointed when you finally move into the house on the happiest day of your lives.

Your wedding ceremony may take a few days and gulp your entire savings, but it is not enough to console you when you have not made proper plan towards having a comfortable home.

Notes

It is important to set out your marriage principles and traditions once you both decide to make that commitment. Do not allow external factors derail your joint objective.
Doing things together and having a shared appreciation of individual expectations will be an added benefit to your marriage.
A good home is built on a strong foundation where love and sacrifice are jointly shared; therefore, place more priority on your home while you plan your dream wedding.

MY MAGICAL LOVE STORY by Fatomilola E.A

If I don’t know love, that was before I met Funmi. I became a lover strangely, my innocent young mind had nothing to think of but love, I didn’t enjoy listening to any talk but love, little wonder that the Korean movies were always my set of movies because they preach love.
I didn’t even know if I grew or fell into love with this 18 year old beauty, when she came into my world, I never knew she could be this special to me, until I realized that I was not only in love but also addicted to her. I saw her in my dreams, I discussed her daily with my friends, I never mustered the valor to talk my recent addiction with her, until one day I missed her calls while trying to reach me. Prior to that time she was my Friend, we met where I was working as a secretary, she came for Jamb (joint admission matriculation board) tutorial class, we became friends through one of my high school friends, Oyebanji Maureen, even though when we met, I didn’t take cognizance of her profile, although we exchanged phone numbers on the spot and told each other little about ourselves,yet it was not predictive of where I am today.

Immediately I saw her missed call, I put a call through, YOU CALLED ME EARLIER, I said in a fainted voice due to my nervousness, I was filled with sweat and my heart palpitated, MAY BE IT WAS A MISTAKE, she replied, OK! I said and dropped the call.

Funmi Adesoji is her name, she was always appearing in my dream, how do I put it to her, Godson Osagie thought within himself. He put a call through, informed her they needed to see the next day after her classes. She came as requested, this time, she had idea of why HE invited her, though she was experiencing similar burden, but since its customary in Nigeria that MEN only make the proposal, it would be un cultured of her if she took the step, she instead helped him by encouraging every step he took and this motivation he got led him to letting his admiration known to her.
I am in love with you; Godson started his speech immediately Funmi had her sit on the plastic chair in his office. So what do you want me to do to that? I don’t think I can help you out, or is that why you invited me, Funmi said in pretense. Yes, he shook his head confirming her question.
Actually, he said gagging as he continued his speech: I fell for you after that day we exchanged cell phone numbers, I can’t just explain the feeling but I guess its love and that is why I have had sleepless nights. I want to have an affair with you, God helps me, I wish to marry you. Funmi watched in disbelief how the young man she admired had just delivered one of the best speeches in the world, though she was ecstatic he said it finally, of course she didn’t fail to disguise like every other girl would have done. Come to think of it, the young man played the rehearsed role well!153410-425x282-Proposal-in-the-park

Mtcheeew, she hissed, can I take my leave, she said, leaving Godson agape in the process. He was stunned, caught unawares, someone who had always laughed at others who fell in love, now finally had his own share of the thing called ‘‘LOVE’’. He realized what was happening to him was not film trick neither was it a fiction. As soon as she left, he put himself together, with a defense mechanism ”all is well”.
After the day’s work, he called her again, this time she reacted nicely. How was the day she asked immediately she picked the call, have you eaten she inquired further when Godson replied her, how far about what I told you, he hastily pronounced, LET ME THINK ABOUT IT, the sonorous voice replied as it echoed in his ear even after he dropped the phone.
And this was how my magical story of love commenced. I am sure you won’t like to be told about the concluding part that comes up tomorrow, before then KINDLY LIKE US ON FACEBOOK NOW @ THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER VIA MARITALPSYCH.
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SELF HANDICAPPING 2 by Fatomilola E.A

The present is only a dark passage into the future, what you do in that tunnel determines what you find outside

I wish I could go physical with death, I wish I could describe its injustice done to me, I wish I could make death pay for this but instead all I can do is to cry and regret handicapping myself all along, it all seemed GAME OVER, I doubt if I will get married again, she concluded.
After eight months of the departure of her fiancé, one of her old friends visited with the hope of revamping things. As soon he got there, he saw her friend being laid in a confined room, she had lost her liberty, he didn’t know when he unconsciously began to cry, he quickly wiped his tears, as soon she saw him, she surged and became conscious, he smiled and hurried to give her a big hug. She was smelling and unkempt, he didn’t bother as he pecked her on the forehead, he untied her and brought out one of the old pictures they both took while growing up.

Tolani Tokunbo began to talk about their growing up, those funny and memorable years of their life, she didn’t find his speech funny, until he said a sentence that stimulated her and got her laughing: THAT DAY YOU PUSHED ME DOWN AT THE SICK BAY WHILE REGRESSING OVER MY RELATIONSHIP HEARTBREAK AND TOLD ME NEVER TO GIVE MY LIFE TO ANYBODY,YOU CALLED US DIEGO and PALOMA, he remarked as they both were filled with euphoria.
Tokunbo went on to relieve her with the interesting stories of her past, how she won the best graduating student of her school in 2001,how much she has achieved and how much lied ahead.
tot of you

Tokunbo got the result he wanted, she moved from chuckles to laughter, within hours of his arrival, she became very changed. How he achieved this wasn’t because she was a friend to her but because he was a psychology student who understood the effectiveness of psychotherapy and which to use at the proper time.

During one of the clerking sessions, he was able to identify why it was difficult for her to forget about him, the demised Fiance and made her face this fear till it systematically got extincted.
It was barely few days to six years of being together as lovers, Daramola was 17years when they met, the same year she finished high school, that was her first relationship and it appeared like actualization of their dreams because she had always wished she married whoever she dated first. Meanwhile the hindered goal led to nervousness and brought about different psychological disorders which led to her impaired touch with the world.

I think fate cheated me Daramola said deluging her mind to the psychologist, Tokunbo, her childhood friend during their first session. I had made up my mind not to be rash in my decision, it took me years to develop myself, it took me, my life time to discern if I loved him or not but fate cheated me and brought upon me this great misfortune.
In the process of coming about this long walk to victory, first year came, this death did not take him, it was when my hard nurtured fruit began to bear fruit, this casualty decided to divest me of my benefits, I wish I could go physical with death, I wish I could describe its injustice to it, I wish I could make death pay for this but instead all I can do is to cry, wail and regret, it all seemed GAME OVER, I doubt if I will get married again, she concluded.
It was at this juncture Tolani introduced psychotherapy; a psychological therapy used in altering the cognition of a patient to bring about a desired behavior. As soon as he began to talk she started talking about how much she invested in a future with. This talk therapy Tolani allowed as she smiled after expressing their happy moment, at intervals she streamed tears he wiped them off in a caring and curative way.
You will make him happier if you continue with the plans you made with him, in fact he will be proud of you for not giving up, Tokunbo said while he continued administering the talking cure, She interrupted him and made him know severe things she went through gone.
I am seriously in pain and it seems no going back, because even when I want to, my past holds me down. I am now at the verge of making corrections on the mistake I made six years ago but the vigor, motivation and passion are lacking, the burden becomes heavier as I look at the crossroads of love. If I must forget him, I will have to fall in love again and falling in love with another man is something not viable. Aside the fact that he took my virginity; this is the only being that understood me, appreciated me for who I am, trusted and promised me a future no one can do.

Unprofessional it was, but love does not obey the command of ethics, Tolani Tokunbo was in love with her before they departed eight years ago and the love had grown stronger this time, he is at the traffic circle of being unethical, he was supposed to treat her but fell in love. As soon as he realized he was being emotional, he became hostile in the process, found it hard to play the role of a therapist, yet he could not allow her flounder in pains. Her health condition became shoddier in the process because she relapsed when she discovered Tokunbo’s step. He knew he had broken her trust and needed to re-establish it in order to recuperate her even before he finds a suitable way to convey his message of love.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST HAS THIS TO SAY: The present is only a dark passage into the future, what you do in that tunnel determines what you find outside. What Daramola did in the relationship while the fiance was alive became conspicuous when the relationship was over. It wasn’t only apparent that she was handicapped but she had also learned self helplessness as she had buried her strength of building an independent world. She built her emotions round him and when fate blew game over the truth became bitter for her to swallow. The truth is, she conditioned herself to him and it will take a good therapist to get her out of the problem and re-socialize her emotion to being attached to someone else.
Just like this young beautiful damsel, so also are many beautiful queens on the surface of the earth have turned themselves to playthings in the hand of wicked men who have wired their emotions round them and tortured them in the process. Many case have not become helpless like Damola but ask them what they are still doing in the relationship that has made them useless they will tell you it is love.

Know this today, a relationship that will not avail you the opportunity of being seen valuable will exchange your value for its own use and make you a slave to it, torture and suffer you.

This article is all about the queens, damsels and angels in the world the potential mothers of queen, you are what make the world great, your absence will put the world in disarray, when you also lose focus, you make the world lose its direction, its pertinent for every woman/lady to raise the game of love with their esteem being elevated, for them to believe in themselves, make men tremble when they attempt ordering you around. Heed the clarion and make a decision at whatever crossroads you find yourself learn a defense mechanism today and stop the SELF HANDICAPPING………

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LOVE IS EVERYONE’S BIRTHRIGHT by Fatomilola E.A

EVERYONE NEEDS LOVE BUT NOT EVERYONE GETS IT, THOSE WHO GET IT DON’T UNDERSTAND IT!

It was business as usual at Queen Idia hall as school just resumed the new semester, the second week of the new year just inchoate, everywhere flooded with young men and ladies, it was late in the day, every strategic corner was littered with young men and women in twos chatting and caressing one another, some with their sugar daddies in their exotic cars while others walked the idia-awo road with their ‘‘leggo jeep’’, on that same path, moving from Queen Idia to Obafemi Awolowo hall, at the bus stop to be precise, sat Olabode Bello in a long sleeve blue shirt with gloves on his hands and socks on his legs with a pair of black jean trouser, waiting for his girlfriend, Oluwadamilola Daramodu, his patience was tested enough yet, he remained calm, of course this has always distinguished him among men of his age, he diverted the anger to meaningful thing, he played the guitar he brought with him while he was coming, after 20mins of loneliness and earnest anticipation of his three years old relationship partner, the tall, light in complexion blossoming lady of about 19-20 years walked into the shed where he sat, and sat beside him, her face looked stern and one would have thought she just finished from the boxing ring, as her face looked swollen, with her cheek roun like the Indian ladun.

Whats up, Bode asked, she faked a smile and said fine. As Bode was about doing the routine welcome address he had done repeatedly for 3years, she quickly interrupted him and detonated the bomb she came with; I am quitting the relationship she suavely said!
Of course you wouldn’t expect anything less from a 500 level law student, when asked about reason, she said it was idiopathic, in other words, free-floating.

How will you quit a 3 year relationship without a reason? How on earth will you set a house you built in thick and thin season with all your might ablaze? I want you to stop this unnecessary joke; it’s a new year Dami. Exactly, exactly, the fact that it’s a new year is one of the reasons I am quitting, I have struggled with this union for three good years, I always thought the better days are just ahead, I never knew we were heading for this truth one day, and I will rather face it now before it drives me to the tangent, she opened her bag, gave him everything he had bought for her, in fact some of those thing were new and inside the beg contained an envelope filled with thousands of naira note and a sheet of paper with items of what the money were meant for, as well contained a customized card that says: OLABODE,I LOVE YOU TILL THIS MOMENT AND I DOUBT IF YOU CAN STOP BEING LOVED BY THIS HEART THAT ACHES EVERYDAY,BUT THERE IS NO BEST WAY TO TELL YOU AFTER THREE YEARS THAT YOU ARE NOT THE BEST MAN FOR ME AND I AM NOT READY TO WASTE YOUR TIME FURTHER,THOUGH I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYONE BUT I HAVE TO MOVE ON. THANKS, MY FIRST LOVE!
Three years ago at the Assembly of unibadan Christian fellowships freshers’ welcome, on a Friday to be precise in februrary 2011,at the reception was where Olabode a newly admitted 100 level student of Archaeology and Anthropology met a direct entry student Damiliola, a fresh student but in year two of the faculty of law, department of law university of Ibadan,although they have seen each other around during the registration days at Jaja, after this annual event held and they exchanged cell phone numbers, she will carry his back for him while he goes to the queue on behalf of the two of them, she will get the food, while he gets the drink, even when academic work began intensely, he would go to her faculty after his lectures for the day, wait for her and saw her off to Idia before he headed to Mellanby hall. Aside an astrologer who might guess correctly of what the friendship was going to birth, meticulous onlookers too would have articulately predicted hormones to be at work at their later days of friendship.

After a long enjoyable semester, Bode fell in love, of course she also fell in love with this quiet, caring and easygoing guy, he hardly got angry, he hardly fought for his right when deprived, he believed in God doing all things for him even when he saw his first year transcript with the cumulative grade point average of 2.3 while Damilola had 6.8, he still believed things would turn around for him and he could still finish with first class. One would have thought he would change towards her but guess what he didn’t, she is presently in her final year as well as he is, but she had plunged the titanic boat into the river abruptly, however for him, he hasn’t lost everything.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST HAS THIS TO SAY: EVERYONE NEEDS LOVE BUT NOT EVERYONE GETS IT, THOSE WHO GET IT DON’T UNDERSTAND IT! Love is an economic good, which is a consumable item useful to people but scarce in relation to demand, of which human efforts are required to obtain it. Like Goods are divided into tangible and intangible object, love is an intangible commodity that can only be felt!
cast your mind back to her last statement, I LOVE YOU BUT I HAVE TO MOVE ON, she knows how demandable love is and she understands its usefulness but if love was a scarce commodity, that was not her concern as she believed moving on to an unknown land and finding another man is just the way out, compatibility was her drive. Probably if she had told him is where he was lacking, he would have worked on it, but making a deduction, these are two different people with different schools of thought, if they ended up marrying each other, surely one of them would live in a painfully endured union. This is one of the reasons she could have sought for exit.
Secondly, she said it was the New Year and so, it was time for her to face reality, does that mean Bode was living an obscure life? May be, she was acting along as love is a relative word, but hang on…..She said she will forever love him! That’s quite deep!

This is what I have to say in CELEDION’S voice, loving someone does not mean you have to marry him, as there are some things you would want changed but will never change, perhaps if they could, the outcome you might unbearable, so they are rather left unchanged than altered.
Love isn’t the only reason you should say yes! What if you say yes to him and he turns you to a punching bag? Of course he could love you like he claims but he could have personality problem you CAN NEVER CHANGE because that defines him!
He could love you but he doesn’t believe in your God, and yet you believe in his God and you want to compromise your faith for him, mind you, no matter how much you try, you can’t satisfy him in worshiping that god of his and as such you will instead endure a life you ought to enjoy and affirmatively I say, that will still create enough unsolvable quandary for you.
Perhaps you are the type of Bode, Mr. Lover boy. Great! But mind you, everyone needs love and not everyone gets it and those who get it don’t understand it, why not understand love first, how it best work for you and how to tame it, rather than just journeying amiss!
My wonderful reader, till I come your way again with another beautiful story of love, READ, LEARN AND SHARE! AS YOU GO THROUGH THE MARRIAGE JOURNEY, FIND TIME TO LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE,SHARE WITH YOUR FRIEND @ THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER@ MARITALPSYCH.

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The Positive Effects of Dwelling on Your Ex by NICHOLAS ST. FLEUR.

reflecting on the ex

After a friend’s blisteringly bad breakup, my buddies and I took him out for beers and offered some comforting clichés: “Forget about her, man,” “There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” and “You’ve got to get back on that horse.” We all agreed that he needed to put down the Ben & Jerry’s and stop wallowing.

Though our advice was well-intentioned, new research suggests that it may have been misguided. A paper published this week in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science finds that people who reflect on a recent breakup have an easier time recovering than those who do not.

Grace Larson, a social psychologist and the author of the paper, spent years studying the psychological effects of divorces and breakups, and wondered if the interviews and questionnaires she gave to hundreds of participants helped or harmed their recovery. “We’re basically prying into these really personal events,” the Northwestern University psychologist said over the phone. “Is it possible that we’re having an impact on how they are coping with these events?”

To find out, she recruited 210 recently separated young adults, mostly women, and split them into two groups for a nine-week-long study. Many of the participants had been with their partners for somewhere between a year and a half and two years and had broken up within the six months before the study. On the first day, both groups took a survey that analyzed how they felt about themselves following their breakup, and then took it again nine weeks later. One group met with the researchers four times during that period, during which they were interviewed about their past relationship, and asked to record their own feelings in private. The other group only took the two surveys, at the beginning and end of the study. Larson even experienced her own breakup during the study, which she said helped her empathize with the participants. “It’s a universal experience,” she said.

After nine weeks, Larson found that the group that regularly shared their feelings with the researchers had “better overall recovery from their breakups” compared with the other group. “That process of feeling complete again, and regaining what you had to let go, is really healthy and drives recovery,” Larson said. Her survey looked at her participants’ sense of “self-concept,” or their sense of being a separate entity from their ex-partner and relationship. The survey gauged the respondents’ recovery by asking how much they agreed with statements such as: “I do not feel like myself anymore,” “I feel as though I am missing a part of me,” and “I have rediscovered who I am.” Previous studies have also used these survey statements to assess how comfortable a person feels about themself following a breakup.

The secondary takeaway from the findings, according to Larson, is that the research methods she’s used in previous relationship studies had real effects on her participants. “It blows my mind that these really basic message of studying people in psychology—which we tend to think is a neutral process—are actually impacting people’s lives and emotions when they walk out of the lab,” she said.

Larson isn’t sure which aspects of the study best helped participants cope with their breakups, but she believes it has to do with looking at their past objectively. She thinks that using a journal could help with reflection and recovery, although that’s not to say that one should put down the ice cream entirely.

“Take the time to not just drown your feelings in sugary food, but to think about the breakup and reflect on how you’re doing,” she said, adding that it’s best to “invite a friend over too, so you’re not just stewing.”

VIRGINITY IS LIKE A BALLOON 2 by Fatomilola E.A

As soon as she consented to his proposal, she began to lose focus, as she concentrated her oomph in building a profane union. Not only did she loose her first class pursuit, she also lost her virginity and she was the 1,308 victim of his HIV/AIDS status.
He left for his country after the completion of his programme and MISSION.
Such is life! Did I just hear you say that? So you expect the world to be fair to you because you are fair to them?
Of course not! It’s like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don’t eat lion.
THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST HAS THIS TO SAY: Virginity is like a balloon, if tucked with sharp object it will lose its strength, so also if overblown it will get damaged. A virginity surrounded by premature union stands a chance of being damaged!
Abstinence from sexual intercourse till marriage is not only done by words of mouth as it is easier said than done.

That was exactly what Blessing Idahosa tried to do before her plan was taken apart. She casted her bread on water hoping it would return after many days, but like a king who called for war instead of continuing his war preparation, Blessing Idahosa was demolished by a bulldozer she thought was a lover.
The biggest problem with most relationships is that there is too much slip between cup and lip.
Imagine that every time you were thirsty, you spilled your drink before it got to your lip; we know you will be driven to find a solution to that reflex problem. The same thing she wanted to do but unconsciously handed her future into certain people hands forgetting that they are fallible like her.
People shouldn’t determine your future for you; even when your solution seemed not working, you just have to believe in the strength you have got, because whatever your heart conceives and believes,it achieves!
Blessing Idahosa was a victim of already planned Michael’s mischief because she lived against her conceived dream, she allowed the marriage committee make the choice of Michael for her, believing they were perfect, she was deceived and cheated by her feelings, leaving emotions to overtake her rationality.
Her precious gift by nature was not only stolen, her life was also truncated with the terminal illness she got in the process.
It is true we are emotional beings before we are rational beings but Let no one deceives you, you are what you are because you chose to and that makes you unique and special!
If you cherish virginity and you have kept it all your life, why not expend the whole of your energy to give it to the man/woman whom you have always kept it for. It could be on religious ground you have kept it, isn’t it ideal you get it going?
They could have tagged your actions archaic but that doesn’t mean you are stupid! The best result a man gets from life will be more profitable and beneficial if he/she follows his mind than leave a life of regrets.
CHALLENGES ARE OPPORTUNITIES IN DISGUISE; that you are not in relationship now doesn’t mean you won’t be a better partner to your spouse when she/he finally comes. Being a friend to who you love now is better than keeping a premature relationship with him/her, by the time you are ready to go to the altar, time would have unveiled to you what you can’t see from afar, because, now he/she knows he has nothing at stake, so he/she will be so natural in your dealings, however, if you tell him how much you love him and go into a relationship with him now, just be ready for the pretense you haven’t seen all your life. Remember, life is not a keyboard shortcut,neither is it google,you just have to experience every bit of it!
I am Fatomilola Ezekiel Adewale , your marital psychologist,I implore you to READ, LEARN AND SHARE THIS PIECE AS WE ANTICIPATE the next mind blowing article. Before then you can like us on FACEBOOK: THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER@ MARITALPSYCH for more write ups.

VIRGINITY IS LIKE A BALLOON by Fatomilola E.A

THERE IS NOTHING MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN A WOMAN WHO CARRIES HERSELF LIKE A QUEEN AND WEARS HER CONFIDENCE LIKE A CROWN! ROYALTY OR NOT, DIGNITY AND RESPECT ARE EVERY WOMAN’S BIRTHRIGHT. MIND YOU, RESPECT IS EARNED AND NOT BARGAINED.
Take a seat with a chilled cup of water and sip as we journey through this mind blowing write up.

Blessing Idahosa, final year student of Political science, she resides off campus, since it became a hitch to secure room in the hostel. She is a very religious sister, who hardly missed any fellowship service, upon not being an ‘‘exco’’, her commitment to the fellowship’s development didn’t drop. May be that was why Brother Michael Johnson was on her neck.
Michael Johnson, a foreign student, who came to Nigeria for his MSC programme in Biochemistry. He had been interested in this 21 year old virgin since he started attending the same fellowship with her. The tenets of the fellowship made it hard for him to make it to her, although being a new member was also another factor that deprived him a direct access to her.

Finally, after the academic seminar organized by the fellowship on Friday, 13 July 2011, it was on this day he realized he could fast track his heart desire only if he meets the marriage committee. As a sharp guy, he approached Blessing; he didn’t bother to see if his plan his feasible, he must satisfy his gratification.

Unlike every other girl, Blessing turned down his request in a very polite way but not persuasive though. She told him, she had been single since her mother gave birth to her and will forever be single until the MR. RIGHT comes.
Of course, as synonymous men are to serpent, cunning and subtle. He found his way and penetrated into her, till she began to rethink. He also made his intention known to the marriage committee, which fast-tracked his tactics.
It is true we are emotional beings before we are rational being but Let no one deceives you, you are what you are because you chose to and that makes you unique and special.
TO BE CONTINUED….
I am Fatomilola Ezekiel Adewale , your marital psychologist. READ, LEARN AND SHARE AS WE ANTICIPATE the next mind blowing article. Before then you can like us on FACEBOOK: THE MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST OR FOLLOW US ON TWITTER@ MARITALPSYCH for more write ups.

UNDERSTANDING TIME AND SEASON 2 by Fatomilola E.A

Still on her office chair while she thinks about the four years journey, tears streams out.
She was unconscious to notice a colleague at workplace was sitting right in front of her; she would laugh at some point and cry at other point while she ruminates on her experience of love in Unibadan.
Out of all the guys that came her way, the decision to leave Stanley Matthew was the biggest loss of all the jackpots she played all her life, she didn’t know she had grown into love for him until today when she discovers some of the missing gaps. Immediately in 2009, a year after their graduation, Stanley got married to another girl.
Hey! It’s not what you are thinking, Stanley didn’t jilt her but instead she broke his heart, making him experience blessing in disguise. She was at Stanley’s wedding ceremony in 2009, as at that time, she didn’t feel remorseful that she said no to his marriage proposal.

Just like many ladies and guys today, marriage is always the last thing, with the least attention in their agenda, no wonder, Bishop Oyedepo said some people can study rats and lizard in school for six years, but when it comes to marriage they just go into without much investment of time, not taking it as serious as the course they studied in university or colleges, they don’t act like marriage is also an important part of their lives that needs close scrutiny and solid plans.
She dated Stanley for two years, he happened to be the last person she went out with as an undergraduate and up till now she hasn’t been opportune to meet a man as serious, dedicating and caring to marry as Stanley.
When they were in final year, Stanley was 32, she was 21, she saw herself as young and promising, she believed there was more to enjoy than rush into marriage as proposed to her by Stanley, right inside Trans amusement park, in front of UI off Bodija, they had gone out on a date, after their last paper, he then proposed: Having consider the future to be close, immediately after our convocation, (then it was November 2008) I wish to start a family with you, WILL YOU MARRY ME, he said kneeling down with a ring in his hand.

Expecting her to act corporately, your guess is as good as mine. She blew off the opportunity , rejecting it, telling it to Stanley’s face, she was very young to think of marriage, and as a matter of fact, eight years from then she would still be enjoying single days, I AM SORRY she said suavely, I CANT MARRY You.

Despite the fact that he even gave her the option of waiting for two years after their graduation, as well considering the fact that HE HAS A COMPANY with over 20 staff, which means in terms of money, the future is secured. She still went ahead to reject this rare offer. She thought childishly, despite the fact that she loved him and obviously Stanley would not only make a good father but a wonderful husband, because her two years experience with him was unique of all the days of her life, even moments spent with her family can’t be compared to this unforgettable memories of age spent with him.

She didn’t understand she was aging, she thought she would continue to blossom like a nascent flower, even forgetting that there is climax in growth, she is not only regretting those years now, but also apologetic to her fate for playing game with it.

After this experience many acclaimed men of God played on her intelligence claiming they were the God sent husband just because he went to seek God’s face through them.
One of the regretted moments of her life was when a married man of two wives told her he would marry her, wooing her and making jest of her state. Years passed, over six years she graduated, she was single and hungrily waiting. She forgot that everything has its own season when she had her time and was in the right season of being chosen.
She is professionally successful now but martially paralysed as many men don’t only swindle her because of her wealth but also because of her accomplished success and qualifications also scare them away.
The more she tried to give men she thought would ask her out the opportunity, they instead sexed her, collected her money and dumped her.

She isn’t privilege to be everywhere again because of her status, she can’t dress anyhow like before, many don’t even believe she was never married because time and season has made her change and so she is left with the option of the search of a descent Widower or divorcée. A fate she defined her own way!

Dear reader, Make hay while the sun shines! Remember, a stitch in time, saves nine. Act wise today, while you search or wait, let your senses be at alert while you wait for the HE or SHE.
In the journey of marriage, know something today: Don’t go hassling, make hays while the sun shines and don’t think there is a better man/woman out there but be a better partner that you are waiting to marry while he or she comes.
READ, LEARN AND SHARE AS WE ANTICIPATE the next mind blowing write up, before then you can like us on Facebook @ The marital psychologist for more write up or follow us on twitter @ Maritalpsych
AS YOU GO THROUGH THE MARRIAGE JOURNEY, WE SHALL SEE NEXT WEEK, TILL THEN I, Fatomilola Ezekiel Adewale REMAIN YOUR MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST IN VIEW!

UNDERSTANDING TIME AND SEASON by Fatomilola E.A

Her name is Evelyn Abidoye, she graduated with a pass without extra year, she never had a carryover but was not blessed with any 7 point, the best point she had was 3point and that was in two courses out of all the 48 courses she sat for, her story is beyond doubt to affect lives because she is one of the best Entrepreneurs out there, but the missing thing in her life is what we shall discover in the course of this today’s episode of MARRIAGE JOUNEY

Reminiscing the past, sitting on the succulent 360 office chair with document before her to sort out, as the assistant records manager of Great invent international company that sells electronic gadgets, located in the centre of excellence, Lagos, Nigeria. She is from a well to do family; she finished from the premier University, founded in 1948, University of Ibadan, and department of Statistics to be precise. Every time she remembered the old school days, it was always like she could be given new sunshine, new rain and another chance to grow up again. She started very rough, she didn’t even understand until now. She lived a well enjoyed life; in fact she oversaw all affairs as if she was the general overseer of all fun in UI.

Six years back, In front of the admissions office, adjacent Tedder hall, the pickup van dropped her and her luggage, leaving her to exploit and begin her Undergraduate journey; she screamed immediately the van left: I AM FREE! Not concerned about the presence of co Jambites or staff, she was euphoric, elated and delighted, the best season of her life just commenced. Immediately after her clearance at the admissions office she headed straight to her hall of residence, Obafemi Awolowo hall, where she had her accommodation clearance, paying her dues and getting her room, there in the topmost floor of H block, better for her, she isn’t fat, climbing that mountainous building everyday shouldn’t be hard for the tall, fair in complexion lady, who started making friends the very first day she got to the hall, no one would ever believed that

Evelyn’s parents were pastors, she never exhibited a single trait of being raised by clergy men. May be because of their authoritarian parenting style (Dictatorial in training, never allows any slight mistake). She only calls home whenever she needs money, she would rather leave the call unanswered whenever they call, because she sees their call as a way of monitoring her autonomy, but whenever it’s her turn to call, of course always because of money, she would lie that they called when she was in class or when she was reading. Her excuses were always genuine that, the parents would always consider her minding her business in school.
Truly she hardly skips classes, but finding long hours reading boring, she doesn’t read until test is at the corner and exams knocking, may be that was why she never failed nor had 5 points not to talk of 7 points throughout her stay in the premier land.
Name any club house in Ibadan Evelyn doesn’t know, she is a regular visitor of option 24, 411, kokodome and so on.

Friday is always for travels, within four years, she had traveled to almost every part of the country, she clubs rarely during weekends, she is never a member of any fellowship, Love to her is fun, but she doesn’t see it as opium, which is why she could hardly go out with a guy for a very long time, she changes them like clothes in the wardrobes.
Still on her office chair while she thinks about the four years journey, tears streams out. She was unconscious to notice a colleague at workplace was sitting right in front of her; she would laugh at some point and cry at other point while she ruminates on her experience of love in Unibadan.

To be continued….
READ, LEARN AND SHARE AS WE ANTICIPATE the next mind blowing write up, before then you can like us on facebook :Maritalpsychologist.wordpress.com or follow us on twitter @ Maritalpsycho
AS YOU GO THROUGH THE MARRIAGE JOURNEY, WE SHALL SEE ToMMORROW, TILL THEN I REMAIN Fatomilola Ezekiel A.,YOUR MARITAL PSYCHOLOGIST IN VIEW!

LOVE DISORDERED PATIENTS can be treated-Professor Stefan Pasternack being featured by Fatomilola E.A

Psycho therapeutic aid for those who fall out of love

There was a woman who was happily married until she had a child and then she began to doubt her love for her husband and it was a mystery. Why does she suddenly feel now that the man she once thought was the best is no longer the best?
When we delved into it we found that she wanted a maternal type of man and that was what she needed until her mother got involved in her life again.

She had something in common with her mother in that they were both caring for her child and she now needed a different type of a man. Luckily she was smart enough to stop and say “wait a minute, I was in love with this guy six months ago. Why am I not in love with him now? It can’t be that he’s changed, I must have changed. What’s going on in my mind?”

The point psychoanalysis gets you to see is that your mind can play tricks on you. So before you wreck a marriage, stop and think about what you are doing. You may still take that action, but it’s nice to know why. If the guy is guilty of domestic violence or is cheating on you, drinking, etc. that is a different story.

A treatment regimen would vary from individual to individual or couple to couple. Psychodynamic psychotherapy, CBT, medications for treatment of Axis I problems, treatment of sexual dysfunction.
Sometimes information is enough. Take vacations; put a lock on your bedroom door if you’re afraid of having sex because your kids may come in. Turn the music on and teach your children that mom and dad have to have their private time, tell them that after e.g., 8 o’clock ‘it’s our time, goodnight’. Sometimes all it takes is a simple measure. Sometimes people don’t realize that just because they are 40 or 50 doesn’t mean romance has to be over. Romance is not the province of people under 30. Couples just have to realize that they have to work at it.

Mothers sometimes get overly involved with their children and men feel neglected so they start to withdraw.
You should be informed about that so you know that it is a potential pitfall.
A wise mother-n-law teaches her daughter to be sure to pamper her husband and tells her son that part of being a good father is being a good husband.
This means romance your wife; remember Valentine’s Day, her birthday, your anniversary etc., take time out to do special things for each other.
Also, make sure you know that you each come first. Once a person thinks that the children or someone else comes first, whether they are right or wrong, that is a toxic feeling and you don’t want it to develop very far.
I am Fatomilola Ezekiel Adewale,the Marital Psychologist,I have brought this views of Georgetown university Professor,Clinician Stefan Pasternack because I am trying to convey a curiosity about mental life. One of the mistakes couples often make is they take things at face value
Let’s hear your comments now, air you views and let other dis confirm or confirm.
Remember a private session is on @ Easycare77@gmail.com or The Marital Psychologist on Facebook or Maritalpsych on Twitter or call,whatsapp or text +2347066444111.
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WHY DO LOVERS FALL OUT OF LOVE?

Why does a person love ten people at the same time? Why will someone suddenly stop loving? Why will a man have extra marital affair? Why does your spouse find it difficult to trust you? Why is he always jealous? Have you ever heard of love disorder?

The marital psychologist features Professor Stefan Pasternack of Georgetown university.

Prof has this to say: Love gives meaning to life. Love is so important that people assume you understand it. Every person does have some knowledge about love e.g., if your mother and/or grandmother loved you and you were treated in a kind fashion then you have some fundamental knowledge about love.

Unfortunately a lot of people don’t get the basic love they need and that injures
their growth and development and I think there is a lot of anxiety in our society about looking at the ways
our society fails children. It’s not just about getting the right foods or education, parents need to know
how to be parents and that is a huge problem.

Children don’t come with a manual on how to operate them so we need to do more. We’ve done a lot with sex education but we haven’t done anything with parent education – that should be a mandatory course. You don’t just have children, you have to raise them – having them is the easy part. We need
to do more to ensure that children have consistent loving experiences and then they won’t have to use drugs or get into crime.

If you love yourself and you’ve been treated kindly, you’re going to treat
other people kindly. Also, because people have suffered a variety of
different hurts, they are often more afraid of love than they realize. A lot people of people get married to avoid love rather than to get it. They get the
security of a stable relationship and do the business of life but romance often falls by the wayside because it’s a little scary to need someone – to know you need them, to crave them, to long to see them, to share pleasure – that can be anxiety-provoking.

It is essential to mental health. The loss of love due to breakups, divorce, betrayal and death can trigger mental illnesses. It can lead to depression, substance abuse, anxiety,
and other illnesses. We have a serious social problem in that 51% of our marriages end in divorce.
There are a few types of love disorders. Some patients have a tendency to make bad choices (e.g. Monica Lewinsky),some are unable to fall out of love. Some have an inability to feel love or loveable, some
have a tendency towards older men or women. There are major disorders like phantom lover syndrome,
erotomania, delusional jealousy, psychotic disorders.
In one more common type there is an inability to fall in love as seen in severe narcissistic, severely obsessional patients and psychotic patients. They
have a profound fear of intimacy due to lack of basic trust. They likely had disturbed, disorganized early
childhood attachments.
Another type is when there is an inability to fall in love but they can feel sexual desire. They have a capacity for attachment and concern but can’t allow themselves to let their feelings go. They may be the fearful avoidant type with insecure early attachments. They often have low self esteem and are hesitant, shy, lonely, self critical, and afraid of rejection.
A third type has the ability to
fall in love but not remain in love. They may fall in love over and over again but never are able to get beyond a point determined by their deep intimacy fears. Borderline patients seek closeness but then withdraw due to irrational fears of loss of self boundaries and fusion. They often express fear of being a “love slave” or “servant.”

If you must be married, please be self sufficient by Ezekiel Adewale Fatomilola

My name sake in one of his TV productions, called Super story always says ”We are pencil in the hand of the creator’

If you ever doubt that testimony, it’s simply because you are yet to have a personal experience with the creator himself. Not in the church way though but when his art of mysteries locate you, you will believe that we are exactly as the TV drama producer says in his production.

I am in no way worthy of a sermorner, so you can’t compare me to a preacher but I am certain if you have a personal experience of how a stingkinly poor fellow’s life can be changed by wealth, you will know it is of God’s doing alone, even though our work takes us closer but it’s not enough to bring the breakthrough.

I was five years when I came to have an idea of how tasteless a marriage devoid of basic resources can be. It’s everything called bitterness, much bitter than bitter leaf soup because while the latter has hope of changing taste, the former has no miracle of changing how it’s pronounced–BITTERNESS.

So, Mr. Abegunde is a very hard working class room teacher. With that in mind, you can guess how he met his poverty. Well, unlike the teachers at Glasgow high school, Green springs and Meadow colleges whose take home is almost the same with a bank’s graduate /executive trainee and possibilities of doubling that when opportune to take a private teaching class with any of these rich kids, his take home was just a meager.

Well, unfortunately for Mr. Abegunde, his salary was just not enough to take care of his wife and two children, even though he had about three private lessons every week.

Times were really really hard for him. And he was so upright in his way of life that he would never engage in any corruption like his colleagues who have been severally transferred to highbreed schools.

He remained poor so much that it had become his second nature. His wife like his children saw him as nothing. He lost integrity as a man, not even respect was due to him. If friends of his children called him sir, it was because they were yet to see his kids addressed him. They would call him Mr. Abegunde rather than daddy.

You can infer where they learnt that from.

I was 8 years when I heard the small family had moved out of Ejigbo and to Ikeja GRA. One of the locations made for the rich, an area of Lagos.

Mr. Abegunde’s wealth did not come as a result of his doubled income, nevertheless his hardhard-work had a role to play. It was reported that he was going to his place of work around 5 in the morning when he had stopped to pee near a bush. While his urine dripped, he observed a new bag amongst the refuse in the bush.

He wasn’t thinking at first but he knew except the bag was unknowingly disposed or someone hid it there, such item doesnt just belong there.

He was sure that that bag is like a piece of gold found among stones. He unzipped the zipper and behold the same minted currency that had avoided him for years.

Abegunde took a bail of this note, roughened some notes and returned home. He kept the bag in the ceiling through one of the opening while entering the one room face me and face you apartment.

The rough notes were handed over to the wife, he told her to take the kids and go to her mother’s house because his landlord will be coming that morning and he couldn’t take the anticipated insult before his family.

He had handed her five hundred naira, the house rent was just two thousand owed for two years rent. She looked in disbelief why the husband will give her that huge amount of money as T.fare. She knew something was wrong but Adesewa for the first time in over ten years of being married to him showed him some respects and hid his instructions.

They departed the house at exactly 9:05 am, and Abegunde brought down the bag.

He counted the money and there were hundred of thousands stock there.

Weeks later he took the money to the bank in bail. He resigned his teaching job, bought landed properties, furniture,household goods and changed his entire family outlook.

In less than a week, family members who had desolated him had resume their affinity. It was time to tell stories of how the father that birthed the father of Abegunde’s father was nursed by the mother of the head of the family.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!. Till today, the Abegunde family members will never choose teaching as a profession.

The man’s marriage got repositioned and he got every respect due from his family both far and near, including those who claimed they carried him as a child, he had been installed Chief Abegunde.

To the unmarried, it is a great thing to think of marriage when you have come of age but please don’t dare if you are yet to figure out what your life should look like. Don’t even dare attempt being married if you can’t even afford your own meal. Please save yourself the embarrassment of being a husband when you don’t even have any source to draw an income from.

Why my plea? Life will be so frustrating to offer any woman any lifetime deal, if you don’t even have a deal for yourself. When you can’t feed your own stomach, how do you intend feeding her not to talk of her clothing, or a seldom dates?

It is true that life is for the living, so money should not be a determinant of when to get married but please underline my instructions- When you are yet to have your life positioned or figured out, no source of income and can’t afford your own meal, please pray for your lucky day to come while you don’t cease being hardwork but in the interim stay off marriage or better, fatherhood!

Here we give love doses that keep your relationship healthy!

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